I've been on Spring Break for the last two weeks. It's been nice. I've really enjoyed doing nothing, and that's what I've been doing, despite the fact that I have a 15-20 page paper due in a week and a half. *sigh*
You know what I don't like? I don't like not knowing what's going to happen in my life. I usually have a plan. I have an idea. I know what I want. But ever since I got home from Korea, all my plans have fallen apart. Everytime I make plans -- and not just plans, but back-up plans, and back-up back-up plans -- they fall apart and I'm left with a feeling of "what the heck just happened...?" as I stare blankly at the retreating figure of whatever it is that's messing around with my life. In the last two weeks, I got accepted to the Critical Language scholarship, lost my job, and got rejected from BYU. All I can think is, Thank goodness I filled out all my financial aid information for SJC.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Loneliness is a solitary coffee cup on a bare counter
Image can be found here
As I was searching for an image to go with my post, this one stood out among all the other angsty offerings Bing drug up for me. It struck me much more than the moody black-and-white shots of people curled up in corners. This image paints a much better picture of what loneliness is, at least for me. I'm not unhappy, I don't (usually) feel sorry for myself, I don't spend my time huddled in corners cut off from the rest of humanity -- it's just that, eventually, my life comes back to the solitary coffee cup on a bare counter.
My loneliness is not a loneliness of the kind that is characterized by a lack of social connections, or by a dearth of people who love and care for me. No, I have friends and acquaintances, and above all I have a family that I know loves me deeply. So what is it, then?
Monday, February 22, 2010
KNOW THYSELF
How much can I really say about myself? How much do I really know about myself to begin with? I think I know things, but then I think of other things that seem to contradict the first things. Maybe personalities function, not in a 2D world like I thought, but rather in a 3D world where the interactions of the various elements that make us up tangle and twist around and through each other.
The question of what exactly "I" is is such a fascinating one, and so complex. So many things have gone into who "I" is: my parents, my siblings, my teachers, where I lived, my friends, what I was like in the preexistence... I used to marvel, when I was younger, that Heavenly Father knew us better than we know ourselves, but as I've gotten older, I've come to understand how that can be -- and why it needs to be. Sometimes you just don't understand yourself, whether it be because your perspective is too tied up in the situation, or because you're too complex even for yourself to comprehend or make sense of. Isn't that a great comfort, knowing that He knows you? All of you. What a mercy and a blessing that is.
That being said, I've been thinking about myself lately, trying to get a handle on myself. Think of the staggering number of roles I play in my life, all simultaneously: I am myself, I am my father's daughter, my mother's daughter (those are different, I think), my sisters' sister, my brothers' sister, friend to some, indifferent acquaintance to others, roommate, that girl in seminar who won't be quiet, employee, colleague, confidant, that friendly salesgirl from that one shoe store, the person walking down the other side of the street, student, teacher, potential wife, future mother, childhood playmate, the girl waiting at the bus stop with a book and an iPod, return missionary, no one at all to many, many people. Am I what I am, or the sum of what people see me as? I'm inclined to believe the first, but people's perceptions of me still must be taken into account, surely, in the definition of who I am. The only one who really sees the who of me is God -- I certainly don't. Fascinating. Will we know someday?
The question of what exactly "I" is is such a fascinating one, and so complex. So many things have gone into who "I" is: my parents, my siblings, my teachers, where I lived, my friends, what I was like in the preexistence... I used to marvel, when I was younger, that Heavenly Father knew us better than we know ourselves, but as I've gotten older, I've come to understand how that can be -- and why it needs to be. Sometimes you just don't understand yourself, whether it be because your perspective is too tied up in the situation, or because you're too complex even for yourself to comprehend or make sense of. Isn't that a great comfort, knowing that He knows you? All of you. What a mercy and a blessing that is.
That being said, I've been thinking about myself lately, trying to get a handle on myself. Think of the staggering number of roles I play in my life, all simultaneously: I am myself, I am my father's daughter, my mother's daughter (those are different, I think), my sisters' sister, my brothers' sister, friend to some, indifferent acquaintance to others, roommate, that girl in seminar who won't be quiet, employee, colleague, confidant, that friendly salesgirl from that one shoe store, the person walking down the other side of the street, student, teacher, potential wife, future mother, childhood playmate, the girl waiting at the bus stop with a book and an iPod, return missionary, no one at all to many, many people. Am I what I am, or the sum of what people see me as? I'm inclined to believe the first, but people's perceptions of me still must be taken into account, surely, in the definition of who I am. The only one who really sees the who of me is God -- I certainly don't. Fascinating. Will we know someday?
Friday, February 12, 2010
I Love Lists
I have noticed this about myself. I think it is due to my Type A~ness, but I just can't resist making lists of things. In fact, I often spend more time making lists than actually doing the things on them...but anyway. Here's another one for you.
Stuff I'd Like to Do
write and record a hit song
run a marathon
actually learn how to apply make-up and do hair well
be the model for a photoshoot
form a rock band called Palestrina and release our first album under the title Cacophony
climb a mountain (a big one)
direct a movie
design and create a really classy outfit
write a best-selling novel
(but not like Twilight best-selling - more like a combination of Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings)
make a complete stoneware dinner set myself
also, a complete tea set
learn to dance ballroom really well
decorate my home tastefully
write the screenplay for a Korean drama
(a successful, critically acclaimed one, of course)
There are more, of course. There always are when you're a perfectionist, but this is what's on the top of my head right now. What some things you'd like to do?
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
It Seems Like All I Ever Write About Is Snow
Yep, that's right: it's snowing. Again. That makes three snowstorms of fairly major proportions (at least for this neck of the woods) in a week and a half. A week and a half! When some winters it doesn't even snow at all! And if you remember, there was another big snowstorm here back in the middle of December. Four snowstorms in one season? 말이 돼?!?
So what have I been doing with this windfall of extra time? Given that I can't go to work and classes are canceled, surely I've been doing something productive like finding a cure for cancer, right? Wrong. The most productive thing I've accomplished since last Thursday has probably been shaving my legs.
I know, I know. I'm hopeless.
But now, to spice things up, I thought I'd compile a short list for you, entitled:
Some Reasons Why I Watch Kdramas
1. The men are hot. (I never claimed this would be a meaningful list of reasons.)
2. I like romance. Kdramas are usually full to overflowing with romantic cliches.
3. I'm a snob. I like that I can (mostly) understand Korean.
4. Did I mention the men are hot? And always doing romantic things for the girl?
5. I like that family ties are strong and meaningful to many of the story-lines. It's an aspect of life that is often missing in popular American television.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Perspective
It's been awhile since I've been in the same place as a legitimate snow storm, but I think this one qualifies. It's been snowing now for more than twelve hours, and I hear it's not supposed to stop until tonight around ten. We're already knee-deep in snow (literally) -- how much more are we going to get? At least they finally closed the mall. Now I can spend today writing my logic paper and starting on my sophomore essay.
The real reason I wanted to write today was because of something that popped into my mind while I was perusing my logic book, trying to come up with a topic for this paper. I'm not sure why this wiggled its way into my consciousness, but I remembered one particular instance that happened when I was still a greenie in Anyang. At this point in my mission, talking to anyone took an enormous amount of courage, and my poor trainer was probably at her wits' end trying to get me to do it. We were out on the streets not too far from our apartment, in an area that was fairly busy with foot traffic. It must have been sometime in my second transfer, I think, because I was talking to people on my own. I approached an older woman, maybe in her late 50s or early 60s, and 인사'd to her -- in other words, I bowed and asked her 좋은 하루 보내세요?, something along the lines of, "Are you having a good day?" The woman looked at me kinda funny and said the Korean equivalent of, "What?", so I tried again. 좋은 하루 보내세요? No luck. Once more, a little more clearly and slowly: 좋은 하루 보내세요? She waved her husband over, made him listen, too: 좋은 하루 보내세요? "I can't understand even one word she's saying, what's she trying to say?" she asked her husband. My face burned with shame and embarrassment.
It's funny, but I don't remember how this encounter ended. I think I gave up after a point, just bowed and said, 안녕히 가세요, Good-bye, have a good day, and retreated.
This was really a unique experience on my mission. Even when I was very young and still learning Korean (young in the missionary sense, I mean), I didn't have too much trouble making myself understood, at least so far as my accent was concerned. I have a good accent, I know I do. People (Korean people) have told me that I sound like a native speaker at times, and at all the other times, I'm certainly understandable. I think this case was a function of 1) my saying something that's not really a common way of greeting someone in Korea, 2) her surprise at being addressed by a foreigner, in Korean no less, and 3) her not knowing what to expect from me. There are so many reasons communication breaks down, but I think these three are pretty universal, even if you're speaking the same language. It's funny, too, how dismayed and depressed I was about this experience while I was living it, but now, two years later -- has it really been two years? -- I look back and laugh.
The real reason I wanted to write today was because of something that popped into my mind while I was perusing my logic book, trying to come up with a topic for this paper. I'm not sure why this wiggled its way into my consciousness, but I remembered one particular instance that happened when I was still a greenie in Anyang. At this point in my mission, talking to anyone took an enormous amount of courage, and my poor trainer was probably at her wits' end trying to get me to do it. We were out on the streets not too far from our apartment, in an area that was fairly busy with foot traffic. It must have been sometime in my second transfer, I think, because I was talking to people on my own. I approached an older woman, maybe in her late 50s or early 60s, and 인사'd to her -- in other words, I bowed and asked her 좋은 하루 보내세요?, something along the lines of, "Are you having a good day?" The woman looked at me kinda funny and said the Korean equivalent of, "What?", so I tried again. 좋은 하루 보내세요? No luck. Once more, a little more clearly and slowly: 좋은 하루 보내세요? She waved her husband over, made him listen, too: 좋은 하루 보내세요? "I can't understand even one word she's saying, what's she trying to say?" she asked her husband. My face burned with shame and embarrassment.
It's funny, but I don't remember how this encounter ended. I think I gave up after a point, just bowed and said, 안녕히 가세요, Good-bye, have a good day, and retreated.
This was really a unique experience on my mission. Even when I was very young and still learning Korean (young in the missionary sense, I mean), I didn't have too much trouble making myself understood, at least so far as my accent was concerned. I have a good accent, I know I do. People (Korean people) have told me that I sound like a native speaker at times, and at all the other times, I'm certainly understandable. I think this case was a function of 1) my saying something that's not really a common way of greeting someone in Korea, 2) her surprise at being addressed by a foreigner, in Korean no less, and 3) her not knowing what to expect from me. There are so many reasons communication breaks down, but I think these three are pretty universal, even if you're speaking the same language. It's funny, too, how dismayed and depressed I was about this experience while I was living it, but now, two years later -- has it really been two years? -- I look back and laugh.
Friday, February 5, 2010
눈이 또 왔어
It's snowing again. Apparently it's supposed to be a major storm; they've even canceled all the public transit after four today and all day tomorrow. From other reports people have been cleaning out the grocery stores and probably racing to get gas and other such things. Seriously, what better argument do you need to have a food storage? Of course, here I am, a college student living in the dorms -- my food storage consists of half a jar of peanut butter, some seaweed, a package of saltine crackers, and some craisons. Oh, and I have some ramyeon. And tea. And a summer sausage, from Christmas...so I probably won't starve, but I can't say I'll be very nourished, either.
This week has not been a good one. I would think that going to the temple twice in the last two weeks would improve the quality of my life, but strangely I think I've been stupider than usual this week. Not even the thick curtain of falling snow coating all the trees and turning campus into a life-size snowglobe can improve my mood right now. Not even not having to go into work today can improve my mood -- mostly because I actually bothered to put on make-up, and now I'm miffed that I have nowhere to wear it.
Actually, I think I'm just miffed at everything. Everything I can think of seems annoying right now, even watching kdramas. *gasp*
I miss my family. I wish I was home. *sigh*
This week has not been a good one. I would think that going to the temple twice in the last two weeks would improve the quality of my life, but strangely I think I've been stupider than usual this week. Not even the thick curtain of falling snow coating all the trees and turning campus into a life-size snowglobe can improve my mood right now. Not even not having to go into work today can improve my mood -- mostly because I actually bothered to put on make-up, and now I'm miffed that I have nowhere to wear it.
Actually, I think I'm just miffed at everything. Everything I can think of seems annoying right now, even watching kdramas. *gasp*
I miss my family. I wish I was home. *sigh*
Monday, February 1, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
눈이 왔어
I grew up in places where it snowed. A lot. First Logan, in the Wasatch Mountains, then in Bozeman, where we played outside on the playground before school until the temperature dropped to zero degrees (Fahrenheit, not Celsius). Then when I was in middle school we moved to Tennessee, and I haven't seen much of the snow since. I've missed it. So many of my childhood memories of winter involve bulky snowsuits, lost mittens, our boots making wet tracks on the floor, the cold wind stinging our cheeks, sledding, snowmen, snowballs, snowangels...anything you could possibly make out of snow. I love the hush that covers the earth when the snow comes, and the soft, pale grey of the sky when it falls. I love the crunch of it under my feet, the white frosting that covers everything and makes the winter world into a winter wonderland.
So you can imagine my unbridled joy when I came out of the temple this morning to find it snowing heavily and two inches already on the ground! Could anything be better than to be surround by lovely, sparkling, brilliant snow after coming out of the temple? The only thing that dimmed my enthusiasm for the snow was the two-hour drive home - the two-hour drive that normally takes only an hour. And the fact that because Rick's brakes are not so good after he had a little accident the last time he drove in snow, we went between 15 and 30 mph all the way home, sometimes slowing to barely 5 mph. And we fishtailed some, failed to get the chains on, and didn't get to have Korean food for lunch. I am a slight bit miffed about that. But still, we made it home in one piece, I didn't have to go to work because of the snow, and campus looks just like a snow globe! It's definitely picturesque. Too bad a bunch of meanies have already ruined the snow so I can't take a picture.
Rick and me on our way to get food after an exciting drive home from the temple
So you can imagine my unbridled joy when I came out of the temple this morning to find it snowing heavily and two inches already on the ground! Could anything be better than to be surround by lovely, sparkling, brilliant snow after coming out of the temple? The only thing that dimmed my enthusiasm for the snow was the two-hour drive home - the two-hour drive that normally takes only an hour. And the fact that because Rick's brakes are not so good after he had a little accident the last time he drove in snow, we went between 15 and 30 mph all the way home, sometimes slowing to barely 5 mph. And we fishtailed some, failed to get the chains on, and didn't get to have Korean food for lunch. I am a slight bit miffed about that. But still, we made it home in one piece, I didn't have to go to work because of the snow, and campus looks just like a snow globe! It's definitely picturesque. Too bad a bunch of meanies have already ruined the snow so I can't take a picture.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Challenges
Often, I think the most difficult challenges in life are the smallest ones. Or rather, the deceptively small ones. You know what I mean. When something big and flashy happens in your life, it's easy to see what needs to be overcome and many people will be there to help you through the process. But those kinds of challenges (hopefully) don't happen to us very often, whereas we are beset every day by "little things" like bad habits, that one annoying person in your class, procrastination, etc.
I think the Lord provides us with these challenges to test our devotion to Him and our faith. The true measure of our desire to follow Him is in our willingness to do the small, everyday things, well, every day for the rest of our lives. Anything is easy for short periods of time; consistency is the real challenge in life.
I would have to say that I'm failing at this right now.
I think the Lord provides us with these challenges to test our devotion to Him and our faith. The true measure of our desire to follow Him is in our willingness to do the small, everyday things, well, every day for the rest of our lives. Anything is easy for short periods of time; consistency is the real challenge in life.
I would have to say that I'm failing at this right now.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Things I Like About Myself and Don't Wish to Change
As I am sure you are all quite aware, this time of year is one where people tend to examine themselves, at least on a surface level, decide there are a few flaws in their characters, and make something called a "new year's resolution". Most abandon them as quickly as they make them, and with just about as much thought.
I thought I'd turn the system on its ear and reflect on things I like about myself, instead. Heaven knows I probably don't do it enough. So here you are: a (probably incomplete) list of things I like about myself.
I thought I'd turn the system on its ear and reflect on things I like about myself, instead. Heaven knows I probably don't do it enough. So here you are: a (probably incomplete) list of things I like about myself.
A List of (a Previously Unspecified Number of)
Things AnnMarie Likes About Herself
I like my eyes. I like that they're green, especially. Not too many people have green eyes, plus green happens to be my color of choice.
I like that I am intelligent. I don't wish to sound overly conceited, or even the least bit conceited, but my academic career bears out my self-assessment. (Nevertheless, I find it hilarious that it took me four tries to spell "assessment" correctly when I typed that. Never let it be said that I am incapable of laughing at myself. Or that I think myself genius material.)
I like that I am musical. I like that I have a pleasant singing voice and that I am mildly proficient at playing various musical instruments.
I like that I love to read. It sets me apart from your run-of-the-mill twentysomething and enriches my life.
I like that I have a crazy obsession with Korean dramas and cheesy Korean pop music. It took me a long time to learn to speak Korean, darn it, and I am proud that I can speak it even a little bit.
I like that I am a loyal friend. While I don't claim to be a perfect one, I always strive to be there for my friends. I am a good listener, and I have never betrayed a confidence placed in me.
I like that my greatest ambition in life is to be a wonderful wife to my husband and mother to my children. These are roles that don't get a lot of credit in the 'real world', but frankly I don't care.
I like that I love my family. I like that we have eight kids, and I like that my parents love each and every one of us.
I like that I enjoy learning. They say you never grow old if you continue to learn.
I like that I can do well at my job, even if it's something I've never done before and wouldn't have chosen to do if I'd had another option.
I like that I have strong, healthy nails.
I like that I still sleep with my baby blanket and my stuffed Pooh Bear, and I like that I can admit it without shame.
I like that I make a mean batch of chocolate chip cookies. They really are amazing. Plus, cookie dough is the best.
I like that I don't like chocolate. But I do like boys.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
On the third day of Christmas...
Did you know, the twelve days of Christmas actually START on Christmas? They end on 6 January, or Epiphany, the day that tradition says the Wise Men came to see Jesus. Of course, it didn't actually happen like that...but then again, Jesus wasn't born on 25 December, either.
It's been so wonderful this last week to be home! I've missed it. And Christmas was even better! Not because of the presents, though I was excited to get a really awesome mixing bowl, but because for the first time in over two years my whole family was under the same roof at the same time. Well, the whole family plus Doug. :)
It's been so wonderful this last week to be home! I've missed it. And Christmas was even better! Not because of the presents, though I was excited to get a really awesome mixing bowl, but because for the first time in over two years my whole family was under the same roof at the same time. Well, the whole family plus Doug. :)
Friday, December 18, 2009
The Semester Ends: The Saga Begins
Well, the title is as good as any, I guess. It worked for Twilight, it can work for me. *cheeky grin*
Here I am, at almost three in the morning, updating my blog because my roommate is still packing and I'm procrastinating going to bed because I know 625 is going to come awfully early. I know, it doesn't make any sense, but there you have it. I think I shall patent it and call it "AnnMarie Logic", sell it and get rich. Sounds great, huh?
I'm glad this semester has come to an end. It's been a hard one for me, in various ways. I've never been a particularly self-motivated person, but this semester has seen me reach new heights of sinking to the depths of procrastination and self-gratification. I need balance. I need to get used to my life the way it is now. It's crazy: I feel like I went on a mission as a teenager with not too many cares and came back to a world where everyone expects me to act like an adult. Is that what I am? I don't feel like one. I still want my mommy to take care of everything for me. Maybe part of it is being a sophomore when most of my high school classmates are graduated or graduating.
I had my don rag today. It went pretty well, actually. Better than my freshman ones, I think. I think I'm a better student in class this time around, though I didn't really try at all this semester. Think how much better I could do if I really tried! My Greek tutor was very impressed by how quickly I got up to speed in that class. I can't take much credit for that, honestly; it's mostly due to a website called Perseus and A. T. Murray's translation of The Odyssey. Still, I'm not a total moron. But he was right to call me out for not being prepared enough sometimes, because it's definitely true that my translations weren't my first priority. Well, not my translations of Greek, anyway. I won't comment on the amount of time I spent doing "language study" this semester. It's probably better left unsaid.
I'm glad to be going home. But somehow, it's just won't be the same, I know.
*sigh*
Here I am, at almost three in the morning, updating my blog because my roommate is still packing and I'm procrastinating going to bed because I know 625 is going to come awfully early. I know, it doesn't make any sense, but there you have it. I think I shall patent it and call it "AnnMarie Logic", sell it and get rich. Sounds great, huh?
I'm glad this semester has come to an end. It's been a hard one for me, in various ways. I've never been a particularly self-motivated person, but this semester has seen me reach new heights of sinking to the depths of procrastination and self-gratification. I need balance. I need to get used to my life the way it is now. It's crazy: I feel like I went on a mission as a teenager with not too many cares and came back to a world where everyone expects me to act like an adult. Is that what I am? I don't feel like one. I still want my mommy to take care of everything for me. Maybe part of it is being a sophomore when most of my high school classmates are graduated or graduating.
I had my don rag today. It went pretty well, actually. Better than my freshman ones, I think. I think I'm a better student in class this time around, though I didn't really try at all this semester. Think how much better I could do if I really tried! My Greek tutor was very impressed by how quickly I got up to speed in that class. I can't take much credit for that, honestly; it's mostly due to a website called Perseus and A. T. Murray's translation of The Odyssey. Still, I'm not a total moron. But he was right to call me out for not being prepared enough sometimes, because it's definitely true that my translations weren't my first priority. Well, not my translations of Greek, anyway. I won't comment on the amount of time I spent doing "language study" this semester. It's probably better left unsaid.
I'm glad to be going home. But somehow, it's just won't be the same, I know.
*sigh*
Friday, December 11, 2009
Things I Love About Winter
SNOW!
seeing your breath in the air
Christmas trees and the smell of pine leaves slowly permeating the house
making snow angels
the crisp, fresh scent of the air
bundling up in sweaters and coats and gloves and hats and earmuffs and lots of socks
(this one is infinitely more fun if you are NOT a missionary who has to constantly wear all of these - and more! - because you are outside all day and well into the evening)
Christmas!!!
winter break and going home and NO SCHOOL!
snuggling down in my bed in the morning when I wake up a little bit early
white Christmas lights
hot chocolate
when in Korea, getting to turn on the floor and having toasty feet all the time
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
A few family memories
Families are really awesome things. I'm so excited to get to see mine in just 17 days!
My youngest brother, Nathan, about three years old
All three of the Saunders' kids were given the number 9 that season!
My youngest sister, Marianne, and me as the royalty we are :)
My oldest younger sister, Heidi, cuddled up with her "Sunny Bean Butt" - I'm pretty sure she still sleeps with him even now that she's married
My family, the Sunday before my brother Stephen and I reported to the MTC
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