Sometimes I Don't Make Sense to Myself

Korean indie band 10cm - I'm Scared of the Dark Tonight (오늘밤은 어둠이 무서워요)

When I reflect on what I know about myself, I realize that it's not really all that much. "Know thyself", one of the only useful things Socrates ever said in a life and career that was unfortunately verbose, is a much harder thing than people understand sometimes, I think. I don't know why it is that sometimes I'm happy in certain circumstances, and in similar circumstances sometime else can't be bothered to be pleasant or polite. Why is it that one person has me all aflutter and another doesn't even cross my mind when they're out of sight? Why do I love riding the subway so much but yet want to live in the country? Why do I love Korea so much? Why is it music and not sports that gets my heart racing? Why don't I like chocolate? Why am I so much like my dad?

The older I get, the more complicated the world seems to be. I don't think that that's necessarily what's actually happening, despite some rather sobering developments socially, religiously, internationally, etc; rather, it's a function of me getting old enough to comprehend the complications that have always been there. And they have always been there, it's just that at one time or another they might have been buried below the surface of the social awareness. I doubt there are very many truly unique problems troubling us today. Those problems and challenges might have manifested themselves in different ways or through different channels, but the at their root, I think most of the challenges facing us today are ones that all of our ancestors faced as well. 

Things I Should Really Stop Doing

ㄱ.  Immediately assuming people don't like me


ㄴ.  Telling myself I'll start exercising in earnest "tomorrow"


ㄷ.  Watching kpop videos and wanting to move to Korea to become a member of a boy band


ㄹ.  Trying to convince myself that I don't need to study Korean any other way than by watching dramas


ㅁ.  Putting things off until the last minute


ㅂ.  Eating too many of my favorite treats


ㅅ.  Staying up until long past midnight watching kdramas for no discernible reason


ㅇ.  Doing just enough to "get by" when I should really put in a little more effort


ㅈ.  Worrying about things I can't change

Learning to Walk

For the last week and a half or so, B has been learning to walk. We really started working with him in earnest two Sundays ago, and since then he's made explosive progress. Whereas we used to have to coax him to walk even one step, which was about all he could manage as his balance wasn't the best, almost two weeks later he's walking halfway across the living room at one go. We used to have to initiate the walking attempts by bribing him with toys, affection, or whatever else would get his attention; now, as long as he can pull himself up on something, he'll give walking a shot all on his own. It's amazing to see how quickly he's learning. His first birthday is coming up in about four weeks; it wouldn't surprise me at all if his primary mode of transportation by that point was walking.

But the reason I was really thinking about this is not the actual walking he does, but rather his attitude when he falls down. When you're learning to walk, falling down is a given. When he does inevitably introduce his bum to the floor rather forcefully, he doesn't whine, or frown, or even get very upset. Oh, there are times where he hits his head on a wall or a toy on the floor, or the table legs, or even faceplant into the rungs of the stair rails. He cries. But he doesn't have a bad attitude about the whole thing. Failing once doesn't make him want to give up forever. Failing a hundred times hasn't stopped him from getting up and trying again.

http://www.wordle.net/show/wrdl/2760645/Failure

I know what you're thinking: "AnnMarie, hello, that's not really anything extraordinary, babies all learn like that." That's exactly my point! Every child learns every single thing they do -- walking, talking, eating, running, crawling, reading, you name it -- by failing over and over and over and over, hundreds and probably thousands of times in some cases. Up to a certain age, that doesn't seem to discourage or dishearten most kids at all. They just get up (literally or metaphorically) and try again. It's not until we get older, and see that some kids don't fail as much or as often as we do, that we start letting failure get us down. Failing becomes something dirty, even evil, and definitely something looked down on. But what fundamental changes take place between infancy, childhood, and adulthood? Nothing, really. We still learn by failure. Failure teaches us things that success can't, and yet the great majority of us are afraid of it, vilify it, even refuse to do things because of it.

I'm not claiming that I'm not one of those people, because I very definitely am. I think my fear of failing is one of the defining traits of my personality. It has kept me from doing many, many things. I need to get over the feeling that failing is a bad thing. It is in some cases, of course, but most of the time, failing is a chance to learn something. As long as you learn something from your failure, it's not worthless. The real shame in failing is when you let that failure stop you from doing something that you want or need to do. There have been many stories and examples illustrating this principle told to me in my lifetime, but I think the one that has made the biggest impact on me thus far is learning to walk.

Monday, Monday

Today started off very Monday-ish. My phone strangely broke this last Saturday for no reason that I can determine; I had left it on my bed, went upstairs for dinner, and when I came back down again, both screens would only show white. Also, apparently, no functions except calls work on it, either -- I had set an alarm to remind me to register for classes at USU this morning at 201 am (midnight in Utah), and it never went off, resulting in me being waitlisted for the only class I actually really wanted to take. I had strange dreams last night about a Korean boy band, but the funny thing is, it's wasn't even one that I particularly like or care about. I woke up groggy and to a whiny baby B, and then suddenly remembered about how I hadn't registered yet and had a fun half-hour of panic as I tried to figure all that out. And to top it off, after a weekend of absolutely gorgeous, warm weather, it's back to being cold and overcast today.

On the other hand, I'm on the waitlist for the class I want to take, and there are only two of us; hopefully I can still get in. I did get in to the other class I really wanted to take, and all of the other classes I need I was able to get in to, as well. B went down for his nap without too much fuss, and the leaves on the trees are still pretty even if the sky isn't blue, and I don't have to go outside if I don't want to, so it doesn't matter if it's cold today. I got to sleep in, and my new favorite drama airs episodes today. So things aren't too horrible.

What Is to Come

Fall has been lovely this year. It's hard to believe that it's the middle of November; it's been unusually warm and bright this year. Green leaves have lingered on the trees far longer than I can ever remember them doing so before. Of course, I've mostly experienced it through the window, since I spend the majority of my time at home with B, but I still appreciate the sunny days and the splendid view outside.

It's hard to imagine that five weeks from now I'll be leaving this area for good, at least for the foreseeable future. (What a funny phrase that is -- how much of the future is actually foreseeable? None of it, really.) I'm not really thrilled about starting all over -- again. In the last five years, since I left home to come to SJC, I haven't lived in the same four walls for longer than six or seven months. Moving yet again isn't exactly thrilling, as I said, but hopefully I can stay in one place for at least a year and a half this time, while I (finally!!) finish up my undergraduate degree. I've even decided not to reapply for the CLS program and try to go back to Korea next summer, which I would love.

I'm nervous about starting over, honestly. I don't think I'm good at making good first impressions, or friends, for that matter. I think I am a good friend, at least I try to be, but I always find the initial stages very difficult. I think part of it is that I lack confidence that I'm an interesting person, someone that other people would voluntarily choose to be around. It's amazing how far-reaching the effects of a few years and some bad experiences in elementary and middle school can have. Plus, being a 24-year-old junior in college, when most people my age have already graduated and gone on to jobs or graduate school or families, doesn't exactly make me feel better.

But I am grateful to be moving closer to my extended family. It's been a decade since I've lived in Utah, and almost four years since I've been back; it will be good to see my cousins, uncles and aunts, and grandparents again, and more regularly. And I'm grateful for the opportunity to save money and help my grandparents out at the same time, as well as the chance to be in a place where the influence of the Church is strong, learn about my family history, and take the time to learn about Church history more thoroughly. Not to mention, I have the chance to study what I want to study. (Though sadly, despite Korean being in the USU catalog, they don't actually offer those classes at the moment.) Who knows what other opportunities lie waiting for me to discover them?

DLS iz nawt kewl

Daylight Savings is messing with me big time this year. Worse, it's messing with B's sleeping schedule, which makes life difficult all around. My whole circadian rhythm is totally messed up, and that does not make for a happy AnnMarie.

빛

Picture can be found here

I want to live in a house full of light. 

Maybe it's because of my father's continuous reminders to "turn that light off and open the window" in my childhood. Maybe it's just because. But there's something about natural light flooding through an open window and filling a room that makes my soul feel like singing. Good lighting makes everything better, from movies and television to pictures and even your mood.

November 4th

Picture by Mexicanwave and can be found here

It's November, and some of the leaves on the trees are still green. Just a testament to the warm autumn Maryland has had this year; as recently as two weeks ago it was still in the 70s during the day, and didn't fall below 60 degrees at night. This last week I don't think it's gotten above 55. It seems "real autumn" is settling in to stay. Today's the perfect mid-autumn day -- a little chilly, leaves in variations of red, green, orange, and yellows still on the trees, overcast skies, and a little bit of rain. It's the kind of day you wish you had a fire, a blanket, a good book, and nowhere to be.