Listen to This

I've never heard of this group Feist before, but I heard this song in a show I watched and I really liked this song.

 Feist - Caught a Long Wind

The Blues

"The Blues" by Switchfoot

I have a talent for wallowing in self-pity. I'm not totally sure if this little character quirk is a factory default, or if it's one of the bugs I've acquired sometime in the last quarter-century of life. In any case, it's mine to deal with now, and I've noticed I'm all too prone to it. Mopiness is something of an automatic reaction to difficulties in my life. It's as if, when the little avatar in your Nintendo game runs into a brick wall, it sits down and pouts rather than backing up and trying to find a way over, around, under, or through it.

At various times in my life I've handled it better than others. I usually do best when I have a clear goal in mind--a reason to scale that brick wall, if you will. But all too often I find myself (metaphorically, of course) sitting at its base, depressed about how I can't get over it. This point in my life is the latter. For the first time in my life I find myself without a clear goal or milestone toward which to work. I'm out of high school (thank heavens), I moved out of the house, been on a mission, finally finished college--now what? Obviously, the two big choices are a career and marriage. I can't make the second happen all on my own (something about other people having agency or some such crazy notion), and I'm surprisingly unsure about the first.

"All Blues" by Miles Davis

After moving past the "I want to be a ballerina! An astronaut! Robin Hood! The President of the United States! A movie director!" stage, I finally settled on one day becoming a college professor. Thanks to my father's career, my family has always lived in a college town, and I love the atmosphere of education and learning that imbues them. My family went to museums and libraries the same way other kids went to sports games and amusement parks. (Literally. Never once did my family go to an amusement park; I remember we went to a water park once, though, when I was five or so. But we went to plenty of museums and galleries and art fairs and libraries.) I'm confident I still want to live in such an environment, and perhaps one day it would be lovely to teach at a university, but I can't really see myself doing the five or six or eight more years of school necessary to get a degree and be qualified to teach. At least not right now. Plus, your chances of being hired fresh out of your Ph.D. program at the moment are dismal.

There are a few things I am confident about. First, I want to help people. Not necessarily large groups of people; I think I work best and feel most fulfilled when I work with people in small groups or one-on-one. I also would like to work with people who need opportunities, or opportunities to take advantage of opportunities. My experience in Korea and my studies have helped me see that I have the desire and perhaps the skills to work with immigrants and refugees, a group of people who definitely fall under the "people who need opportunities" heading. Second, I'm not too worried about making scads of money, which is lucky for me. I don't think working with immigrants and refugees will make you big bucks. What I really want out of a career is personal fulfillment. I've worked jobs just to make money, and almost always I was miserable. I don't need to be rich, I just need to eat, have a place to sleep, be able to do a few fun things, keep clothes on my back, and be able to pay off my student loans. Third, I'm pretty sure I want to somehow be able to use my Korean language skills and cultural experience at some point. I didn't spend all that time and shed all those tears learning Korean just to watch Korean dramas and rock out to Kpop. Lastly, I'd like to go into a field or at least develop skills that will allow me to eventually become a full-time mother, while also allowing me to still contribute and serve.

"Rhapsody in Blue" by George Gershwin

So you can see that my problem and my opportunity are exactly the same thing: a very broad idea of what I want to do with my life. It affords me an incredible amount of flexibility to pursue whatever might present itself, but at the same time it's so broad that trying to decide which direction to go feels rather like trying to drink out of a fire hydrant. There's lot of water to slake your thirst, sure, but it knocks you flat on your back in the process and not that much water ends up in your mouth, anyway. (Disclaimer: I have never actually attempted drinking from a fire hydrant, that's just what I imagine would happen if you did try.)

Back to the "wallowing in self-pity" thing. Being the Type A person that I am, I'm more prone to see my situation as a problem than as an opportunity. That part of me demands I find the "perfect" opportunity that will meet all my wants and needs and set me up for life. The realistic part of me rolls its eyes at the Type A part of me and sarcastically remarks that that's a load of bull and totally impossible in the bargain. That just makes the Type A part of me curl up in a metaphorical corner of my mind and start whimpering. This is about the time I start the "woe is me" song and dance. Then the self doubt part of me gets in on the party and starts a whole refrain about how I haven't really done anything and don't have a lot of experience and why would anyone want to hire me (etc, etc, ad infinitum)? By this time, just to get away from all the arguing and the massive pity party going on in my head, I've decided to give into another of my vices, procrastination, and deal with it "later" by going to watch a TV show or a kdrama. Thus dooming myself to a repeat performance sometime down the line, without ever solving anything.

"Blue" by Big Bang

I realize that some of you (if you've made it this far) are asking yourselves, "What is this woman's problem? Stop whining and just do something already!" Trust me, you're not thinking anything I haven't already thought myself, many times over. But just like you don't understand why I don't just "do something", I don't understand why some people can never remember when to use fewer instead of less. My point is, we all have our own struggles. I'm not debating that I should get out and do something--I'm really working on it. I'm working on not wallowing in self pity. I'm working on seeing things in a positive light and taking steps to do something. What I'm saying is overcoming this part of me is a real challenge in my life, just like trying to control your chocolate cravings or your swearing habit is a challenge in yours. It's not going to change overnight. Maybe not even in a few years. Maybe it'll take my whole lifetime, and I'll still struggle with it when I'm eighty. (I really, really hope not.) But I'm resolving to do better, from this point on.

Ten Things That Are Really Awesome About My Life

When I find myself contemplating how awful my life is, I know it's time to pull out the big guns. Because really, how awful can my life be, right? So here they are:

Ten Things That Are Really Awesome About My Life

1. I have a body that works.

Seriously! How awesome is that? It may not be Natalie-Portman-Kiera-Knightley-Emily-Blunt-gorgeous, but everything works pretty well. All my arms and legs move like they're supposed to, I don't have any illness or conditions, and aside from some fillings and glasses and some flabby abs, everything in pretty good condition.

2. I have a mind that works.

I have to be honest, I'm pretty stoked about this one. I'm not a genius, and I'm not claiming to be one, but I can usually learn things pretty easily. (Unless it involves math; then it's not so easy.) I can think through problems and come up with solutions and make rational, reasoned decisions.

3. I am passionate.

I think life would be pretty lackluster without things to be passionate about. They make life fuller and more exciting.

 4. I have an education.

And I have the student loans to prove it, too. Despite the fact that no one is beating my door down to hire me, I know that my education has helped me to grow tremendously as a person.

5. I wake up in a comfortable bed each morning; 

I go to bed in that same bed each night.

And that bed is safe and bug-free and the room is climate-controlled. This is a luxury that many people in the world don't get to enjoy.

6. My family is supportive and loving.

I didn't realize what an amazing thing this was until I got old enough to realize that not everyone had a family where this is true. My family isn't perfect, of course, but we all love each other.

7. I have friends that love me for who I am

It's taken a long for me to come to believe that there are people that actively seek out my companionship, but I am so grateful for the ones that do. I'm grateful for each person who knows me and still loves me anyway.

8. I find enjoyment in learning.
Which is not to say I love doing homework, but I'm grateful to be blessed with a natural sense of curiosity and a thirst for knowledge. You don't get to take much with you when you die, so I'm glad I don't have to learn to enjoy the only thing you do get to take.

9. Many, many amazing people have invested in me. 

I have been privileged to interact and serve with some truly extraordinary people. So many of them have taken the time to instruct me and teach me by their example. These many people have done a lot to make me a better person.

10. I have potential and a future.

Nothing but my own limitations really stand in the way of becoming what I want to be. I'm healthy, educated, and intelligent; I face no danger of being taken away from my family and friends and made to do something I don't wish to do. 

Stubbornness and Continents

I was a particularly stubborn child. I think my parents can attest to that. I've grown into a particularly stubborn adult. I think my parents can attest to that, too. I like to do things by myself. (Or get other people to do them for me. I'm okay with that, too.) I like to be in control and do things in a logical order - my order.

The funny thing about life is that it doesn't usually work that way.

Life is a collaborative effort. This has been reinforced to me over and over in the last year or so, in my experiences and in quiet moments of reflection. We can't do it alone, and we're not supposed to. Everybody needs somebody - multiple somebodies, actually. We need family. We need friends. We need members of the community. We even need complete strangers. None of us can reach our full potential without other people. It's ignorant, arrogant, and counterproductive to think that or act like we can. Try it. You'll fail.

I think John Donne's famous "No Man Is an Island" poem sums up the implications of this truth much better than I could.

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee. 

We don't have the luxury of ignoring what is happening to other people "far away", because their lives are tied up in ours. They need us, and we need them.

Life Is So Confusing

The predominant emotion of the last few weeks of my life has been homesickness. That's right. I, a 25-year-old college graduate who hasn't lived at home for 6+ years, am homesick. I haven't felt this homesick in ages, actually. Not for this long, anyway. I get flashes all the time, of course, because I love my family and I'm missing most of the significant events in the lives of my youngest four siblings. But I'm usually busy and/or productive (they're not necessarily synonymous) and thus distracted.

I think the homesickness is the product of two other intense emotions in my life: confusion and frustration. And all that boils down to the real fact that I have no idea what the heck is going on in my life. It's not a comfortable feeling. (This is hardly the first time I've brought this up, so it's not a surprise to any of you, I'm sure.) I feel useless, under-qualified, scared, clueless, and confused.

I've finally had it (very painfully) brought home to me in the last few months just how thoroughly I threw myself under the bus when I moved here. (Metaphorically speaking, of course.) I allowed my fears, insecurities, and circumstances to keep me from getting a job and getting involved the way I should have. As a result, here I am without a car, without many connections, without solid job prospects, and without any savings to speak of. That makes doing much of anything difficult. Especially most of the things I'd actually like to do, like go to Korea, move back to the East Coast, or even just get out of Logan. I should take a lesson from this and get my butt in gear on this whole "finding gainful employment" thing.

I'm hoping that sometime in the next little while I'll figure out why I felt that I need to be in the place that I am - here in Logan, I mean. I wanted to move to SLC after my job ended a few weeks ago and I had to be out of my old place. To be honest, there are probably a lot more opportunities in areas I'd like to work in (not to mention better public transportation, even if it is more expensive than Logan's (which is free)), in SLC. I like Logan, but I've been craving city life recently, and if I can't live in Seoul or NYC or the DC area like I'd like to, by golly I want to live in SLC.

Set Fire to the Rain

I was pretty late climbing on the Adele bandwagon, having only discovered her this last semester. (On a sidenote, I wonder how long it's going to take me to stop counting time in semesters. It took me a long time to stop referring to "transfers" after I got home from the mission.) This is my favorite song off her 21 album. I don't relate to the lyrics, and I'm not completely sure what she means by "set fire to the rain". I just know I love the evocative image the words create, and I'm totally in love with the music of the song.