Things To Be Learned

For the last week and a half, I've been living with a friend of mine. She and her husband generously offered to let me live with them this year, giving me room and board in exchange for watching their baby a certain number of hours a week. It works out well for all of us, because I don't have to go into debt to pay for housing, and she gets some time to herself, which is always valuable when you're a new mom. Or an old one, for that matter.

Since school doesn't start until tomorrow, I've had a lot of time to hang out with B, their baby. He's just barely eight months, and definitely a handful -- the kind of baby that doesn't ever slow down or give you a break. Plus, for some reason that stumps us both, he's been off his eating and sleeping schedule, resulting in all of us being cranky and tired. Which is annoying, but not the point of this post. It's been awhile since I've spent this much time around a baby; the last time was when Nathan was born, almost five and a half years ago. Being at an age where B could be my baby, it makes me think. I've learned a lot in the last week and a half.

But I think what has come to me, over and over, is just how much our earthly relationship with our parents mirrors the one we have with our Heavenly Father. B's favorite thing to do is to find whatever he shouldn't be into and try his darndest to get into it. Whether it's dangerous (knives, electric outlets, heavy objects, etc) or just liable to be ruined by his overenthusiastic attempts at exploration (cell phones, books, computers) since he mostly explores with his mouth, when we take it away, his reaction is the same: full-on temper tantrum. "But I want it! I want it, and you don't love me because you took it away from me!" Seriously, you can almost hear him say it. It hit me one day, after I blocked Attempt No. 14,839,292 to dive headfirst off the arm of the couch, or eat a cellphone, or play on the stairs, and said in exasperation, "B! Will you just give it a rest and realize that that's not good for you?!" I wonder how many times our Heavenly Father feels like that in a day? If you think about it, compared to our Heavenly Father we're little more than babies ourselves; we lack the foresight and experience to know when something that seems irresistibly attractive -- that shiny knife, say, or that curiously-shaped electrical outlet -- could potentially hurt us. "But God, why can't I be rich? Why can't I drink as much alcohol as I want and not suffer the consequences? Why this, why that -- You must not love me because you won't let me do what I want!"

Last school year, we spent so much time exploring the question of who God is, and His nature. But really, He's not the big mystery that people think He is. If we really want to learn about Him and our relationship with Him, we have only to turn to our own earthly parents to find out.

Due to not falling asleep until three this morning, I woke up late and groggy to the sound of the baby (not mine, I'm living with a friend this year and she has an eight-month-old little boy) working himself into something of a frenzy. It was only just ten, and his mom had already had a bad day. The conversation that ensued after putting him down for his nap has made me ponder a few things today.

Communication. It's all-important to any kind of relationship, whether you're friends, employee-employer, or spouses. Or even parent and child, even up to and including our Heavenly Father.

Our lives really do revolve around our choices. There are a lot of things in life that you don't choose, it's true; but in every situation there is a choice, even if that choice is nothing more than deciding between having a good attitude or a bad one. And in the end, we will be held accountable for those choices.

I'm so glad that God is the final judge. I'm so glad that He knows everything about our circumstances and our hearts when we make those choices, and that we have a Savior who gives us the opportunity for second chances, so that He can be both merciful and just. And I'm so glad that's not my job. We humans are so imperfect and so limited; it is wonderful to have confidence in a perfect Heavenly Father who both loves us and wants us to be happy. I'm so glad that He will always do what will make us the happiest in the long run, and is patient enough to listen to our short-sighted rantings about how "life isn't fair" or "I can't believe this could happen to me". I don't always do a good job of showing my appreciation and gratitude by my actions, but I am grateful.

This all makes me realize how much I need to step up, fix my avoiding ways, and take responsibility for the choices I make. Because even making no choice is making a choice by default; only we forfeit the opportunity to do our best with the situation or the circumstances when we act that way.

One O'clock AM

I was trying to be good today. I made a special effort to be in bed before midnight. I even limited myself to one drama episode! I set my iPod on a timer (love my new toy ^_^) and snuggled down into my new sheets on my comfortable queen-sized bed (which I am very excited about) and waited to fall asleep. That was an hour ago. *sigh* One am is a good time to think, because there aren't too many things to distract you. Unfortunately, if you're thinking, you're not sleeping.

Today I've been reflecting on myself a little bit, and it has occurred to me anew that I am an avoider. Avoidance is my method of coping. If I don't like something, or it's too hard or too difficult, or I just don't want to do it, I just ignore it or put it off until "later"...but when "later" rolls around, it's that much more stressful and unpleasant for being put off. I wonder how long I've been this way? I don't remember how I was when I was little, but I've definitely been doing it since high school. It's not a healthy coping method.

The thing about me is, I really dislike asking for help. Unless it's about stuff I don't care about particularly, like anything to do with money or the government. But all the important stuff, the stuff that can really mess you up if you're not careful, if it's too big for me to deal with myself, or if I just don't like it, I shove it into a little corner of my brain and go humming off to read a book or watch a drama.

I've always liked to think that I was a brave person, but I think I'm not. There are a lot of things I'm afraid of, and I'm not good at facing those things in spite of my fear.

Today Was One of THOSE Days

THOSE days are the days where you wake up in a bad mood and everything seems to get worse from there on out. I was in a horrible mood all this monring and into the afternoon, but a little shopping (got a new book, yay!) and  hanging out with 경숙 (Kyoungsook, my tutor) thankfully brought a little sunshine into my disposition, if not into the actual sky (it rained all day).

I can't decide if I want to go home or not. I do want to go home because I'm ready to have my own space again, to be able to nest and spread out and just do things the way I want to. I'm funny that way. But on the other hand, I really don't want to leave Korea. I don't want to go back to school and have to deal with all that again. By "that", I mean real life. It's such a pain sometimes. Not to mention that I get treated like a princess and I eat like a king. That's always nice, too.

This is, in fact, my very own picture, taken by me at 민속촌 in 수원 when I was there a year ago.