"Blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble"*

*Alma 32:16

Today I had one of those "compelled to be humble" moments. It was painful. And rather uncomfortable, too. And I feel monumentally stupid.

The thing about "compelled to be humble" moments is that you are usually fully aware of what it is you need to be humble about -- you're just not being humble about it. Such it was with my moment today. There was nothing new about the smackdown I got, nothing in it I hadn't told myself over and over again...except this time someone else was saying it. It's funny how hearing it all coming out of someone else's mouth has a way of making it all just that much more painful. And embarrassing. ~sigh~

The other thing about being compelled to be humble, besides it being decidedly less comfortable than humbling yourself, is that it's much harder to ignore the magnitude of what you need to be humble about than if you just give yourself a little lecture and then fix it. It also has a way of ruthlessly illustrating just how stupid you've been and how inane your excuses sound when you say them out loud.

The upshot of my being compelled to be humble is this: I'm going to stop wallowing in self-pity (because as much as I try to deny it, that's what it is), stop expecting things to magically go the way I want them to, stop turning my nose up at jobs that aren't quite (or at all, ~sigh~) what I want, and give myself a schedule each day. I'm going to only set goals that require my agency to achieve them -- things like "I will submit 20 applications this week" instead of "I will have a full-time, benefitted position by the end of August". And I'm going to get off my bum and get active instead of moping around and eating a lot of ice cream and cookies.

Here's hoping. ~crosses fingers~

A Sisterly Perspective

Yeah, the one where I'm taller than her? That was taken a loooooooong time ago.

I'm not going to lie. Life feels pretty tough right now. Tough, and maybe a little bit pointless. It isn't (pointless), of course, but it feels that way. And it feels hard. And challenging. As I was telling my sister earlier while we were talking on the phone, obstacles in life seem insurmountable when you've got your nose pressed right up against them, scraping the brick (or whatever else your obstacles are made out of). It takes backing up twenty feet and scrutinizing them to realize that they're really a stepping-stone to where you want to be. What I'm struggling for right now is that perspective.

That's why I'm grateful for my sister. She's not the only sister I've got, but she's the only grown-up sister I've got and she also has the dubious honor of being my best friend. She gives me a little of that perspective, coaxing me to step back from where I'm stubbornly rubbing my nose into the brick, trying to wear a hole through it, and see the bigger picture. I've got a lot of blessings, but I think she's one of the best. Thanks, sis, for being my perspective and my best friend. I couldn't do it without you.

Incredulous

You know a word I'm sick of hearing?

Intimidating.

I'm sick of hearing, "Oh, AnnMarie, the boys are just intimidated of you. You have such a big vocabulary." What? So guys don't want a girl with two IQ points to rub together? I don't think I'm overly optimistic of the male gender when I say I find that ridiculous. My father married a very intelligent woman, and all of my guy friends and cousins did, too, so clearly that excuse is bull hockey.

Live Simply, Love Lavishly

I was reading this book the other day when I ran across the above saying. It struck me as summing up a lot of other good advice in one pithy phrase. Of course, it would be asking too much of just four words to provide the guiding wisdom for every situation, but I don't think you'd go too wrong if you adopted it as your life philosophy. Within some parameters.

I made these four posters this morning on PicMonkey (yes, I'm obsessed). I was pointed in this direction for the backgrounds, and the words and the hearts are standard PicMonkey. I'm not quite sure which one I like best, though I do prefer the blue over the pink in general. Don't worry, I'm not going to go craft blog on you, but I do think stuff like this is a great way to class up what I normally do with sayings I want to keep around (that would be writing them on 3x5 cards). Find some frames, spend a few minutes (or hours *cough*) messing around, print it off, and bam! You're in business. Not literally, though, since the backgrounds that come free are for personal use only.

Look what I can do!

Seriously, why did no one tell me about PicMonkey sooner?! I'm not sure if everyone is using it, but if they are, it explains why so many bloggers have cute collages of pictures. I knew they must be using some kind of editing dealio, but I couldn't imagine everyone had Adobe Photoshop. PicMonkey makes them drag-and-drop easy! I'm sold. ~runs off to make more~

Oh, my poor readers. You're in for all kinds of collages now. If only a had a better camera than the 1 megapixel, medium-res one on my phone.

Resume Writing and the Atonement

I'm currently on the hunt for what seems like the world's most elusive prey: a good job.

It's been more than two months since the day that I walked out of my last (undergraduate) final and pumped my fist victoriously. At that moment I was on top of the world, and though my confidence was tinged with a little niggle of concern, I pushed it to the back of my mind and focused on savoring the moment it had taken me seven years to reach.

But Life has a harsh way of making its presence felt. So here I am: 25-going-on-26, newly graduated from college, out in the "real" world for the first time, anxious about finding a job that will afford me a little self-respect along with my paycheck and benefits (hopefully), worried about paying off my students loans and saving up for a car, and really just wanting to be in Korea. Suffice it to say that this is not exactly where I saw myself in five years five years ago. To be honest, it's not even where I saw myself in five months five months ago.

A few weeks ago I thought I'd found the solution to my employment woes, but it turned out that I wasn't offered the position. A while after that I came across the position at Utah State that I'm currently working up an application for. It's not exactly my dream job, but it's a good starting point, and I'm confident I can do it well and contribute as well as learn. The downside to being really excited about an opportunity is that I tend to freak out about making everything "perfect". In real life this translates into obsessing over every word, comma, and bullet point in my resume, and don't even get me started on my cover letter. Despite what some might say, resumes and the whole process of getting a job are 90% subjective. What one person advises another decries as the most ludicrous thing ever. It makes people like me get stress headaches from trying to reconcile it all and turn out the "perfect" resume, the "perfect" cover letter, and the "perfect" response to any conceivable interview question. This afternoon one such stress headache was in its early stages when I decided to walk away from my application and go make some ramyun. I was contemplating this whole crazy mess over a boiling pot of water when I had a quiet but profound realization.

This whole resume-writing experience is a microcosm of my whole approach to life. I stress myself sick trying to do everything "perfectly" while ignoring the fact that "perfect" is not within my capabilities. And it's not meant to be. The whole point of life is not to achieve perfection on my own merits, but to do the best I can and then leave the rest to the Lord. No matter how much I try, I'll never be perfect on my own. I can stress and spend as much time as I want on my resume for this position I want so badly, but no amount of stress or time or revising is going to guarantee me the job. At some point I have to consciously let go of my desire for minute control over everything, turn it all over to the Lord, and trust that if I do my best and live righteously it will all work out in the end. Maybe that means I don't get this job. Maybe that means that I will. In the long run it probably doesn't matter if I do or not; of far greater importance is learning the lesson to let go, trust the Lord, and seek perfection through my Savior and not my own strength.

Blah Blah Blah

Hello, world. How are you today?

I just recently discovered the easiness of Dropbox for myself. Goodness, why did I ever email anything to anyone? It's so nice to be able to give someone a file without worrying about attachment limits on emails. I know, I know. I'm soooo behind the times (my little brother in middle school had a Dropbox account before I did).

In other news, there's a wasps' nest in the chimney of our bathroom fan. Me + wasps = not happy me. I was stung once (at least, I'm pretty sure it was a wasp - it stung my back and I didn't see it, so I can't be 100% sure), which was not my favorite experience. I'm thinking about making my brother come over and take care of it. Someone suggested that wasn't very feminist of me, but I'm secure in my equality. I have no need to prove it by killing spiders or mowing lawns or getting rid of wasps' nests. I'll gladly trade doing laundry for any of those things.

In other other news, I'm applying for a job in USU's Office of Admissions, where I'd mostly be reviewing applications and helping out students and faculty and doing general office work. I'm okay with that. It seems that Logan is the place for me right now, as much I might wish otherwise at the moment. I honestly thought I'd move on quickly after graduating, but it's not working out that way. It's not that I hate Logan, I was just planning on living somewhere a little bigger and not cut off from the rest of the world by a canyon that's dangerous to drive through in the winter. Plus, I'm dying to travel the world. I guess that'll have to wait. Anyway, I've been spending an inordinate amount of my life the last few days working on my resume and cover letter for this application. I want to get this job. Not just because I'm weary of looking for one, but because I've literally grown up on college campuses and I genuinely the atmosphere. And I am passionate about learning and I believe in higher education. It's nice to be able to get behind what you do; in fact, I think it rather necessary. So here's hoping my time and prayers will bring me the result I think I want!

Since I'm on a bit of a Feist kick at the moment, have another song.

July Already?

A good description of how I feel these days. Plus, I just love Mute Math, 'cause they're awesome.

Is 2012 really, truly already halfway over?

I wish I had some interesting/significant news to share with you, but the truth is life is pretty much the same old same old. I'm still in Logan, still living with a friend and her family, still hunting for a full-time "grown up" job, still looking for a small house to rent with a friend.

I had a fun 4th of July holiday, though. I went to watch the fireworks with my Grandma Willis at her retirement community on the evening of the 3rd. (Logan has its fireworks on the 3rd, since the company who does our show also does the Stadium of Fire on the 4th.) I was getting all excited about the fireworks, clapping and cheering when they started. The residents all gave me strange looks. But isn't that what you're supposed to do when you watch fireworks? It seems boring to just sit there. Nevertheless, we had a good time even if it wasn't overly enthusiastic.

On the morning of the 4th I got a call from my little brother Stephen, who had just gotten back home from Paris (you know, the France one, not the Idaho or Tennessee one) early that morning. We decided to get some pizza for lunch and then go watch The Amazing Spider-Man in 3D together. It was his first 3D movie, and we had a blast and enjoyed the movie immensely. It was very well written and very well executed, and I'm a big fan of Andrew Garfield's portrayal of Peter Parker. (Not to mention he's pretty hot. It's shallow, but I own up to my shallowness.) We spent the rest of the afternoon lazing around his apartment. Rather, I spent the rest of the afternoon lazing while Stephen put away his groceries and did some unpacking. We had an interesting discussion about faith and reason, then headed out to meet our Grandma Saunders and our cousin Doug for Happy-Birthday-America celebratory ice cream at Charlie's, a local ice cream parlor that sells ice cream made right here in Cache Valley. Then we went back to Stephen's apartment and lit our $2 sparklers. (Just in case you were wondering...they were seriously lame. Probably we should have shelled out a little more than $2.) All in all it was a relaxing, fun holiday. It was great to see Stephen again. Who knew you could miss a little brother so much??