Broaden Your Horizons

Tim - 그대여 (You)

I know that most of you don't speak Korean, but that's okay - tons of people listen to Korean music and love it without understanding a single word of Korean. This song has been on my favorites playlist now for months, ever since I was introduced to it at dramabeans.com. Don't worry, it's not Kpop, there are no dancing pretty boys or beat machines. Just one man's amazing voice, great instrumentals, and a mellow vibe that'll put you in a good mood and make you want to hit repeat.

Just a sampling of the lyrics (translated by me, so be nice):

The days when your heart is wounded and hurting,

Come to me.

The days when you want so much to cry,

Lean on me and cry.

---

The days when you're lonely and it seems you're all alone,

Take my hand.

The days when even smiling is hard,

Just cry out loud,

Don't just keep it all inside.

Even if you don't say anything, I understand.

Reflections on My Life at This Point

When faced with something challenging, or something I just don't want to do, I tend to put it off and off and off until I'm either forced to do it at the last minute or...well, yeah, until I'm forced to do it at the last minute.

Every day I live, and the more experience I gain in this world, brings me to a new appreciation of and respect for my parents. They're not perfect, but they do love me unconditionally and they did their best to raise me after the plan our Heavenly Father has outlined.  I know that they will always be there for me no matter what.

Similarly, I gain a new appreciation for my family. I've been incredibly blessed to have the brothers and sisters that I have. They are my best friends and I am so glad that we will be a family forever, even after we die.

Heavenly Father has blessed me with so many opportunities to develop my character, my talents, and my testimony. I look back on my life and I can see His hand guiding and directing me through some important choices and changes in my life.

And of course this opportunity at USU is just another one. There are a lot of things I'd like to accomplish here, but even if I don't learn to snowboard or rock climb, I hope that I learn the lessons that God would have me learn so I may be prepared for the next step in my life.

"For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened."

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Lately I've been feeling rather sorry for myself that I don't have any friends here at USU. I think it came to a peak this last Sunday morning. I'd made some not-so-good choices Saturday night (stayed up waaaaay too late), and when I'd gotten up to take my grandparents to church (their's is at 9 am and mine's at 12:45 pm), my grandfather refused to get ready in his passive-aggressive way and my grandma said her hair wasn't done so she would only go to Relief Society. So I stomped back down to my room in a temper to watch a Taiwanese melodrama that made me feel even worse because everyone was making themselves miserable through bad choices and miscommunication (such is the melodrama genre). I got ready and was headed out to church only to find that my grandpa was finally ready and determined to go to church. I tried telling him that church was over, but I think the dementia has taken away a lot of his logic and reasoning abilities, and I just couldn't convince him to stay home and wait for my grandmother, so I dropped him off on my way and hoped my grandma would find him (otherwise he would have walked down to the church himself).

Anyway, that morning as I was reluctantly pulling myself out of bed, I'd sent up a little prayer that someone would notice me at church. I wish I could be more outgoing and just integrate myself, and I have been trying, but it's not something I'm really good at. So I sat there as Relief Society was about to start, with an empty chair on either side of me, feeling sorry for myself. The lesson was definitely one I needed to hear, on Elder Scott's talk from October's conference, about building character. In it, I made a comment and said something about my mission, as did a few others. Well, at the end of the lesson, the girl sitting in front and to the left of me turned right around with a bright smile on her face and asked, "Hi! What's your name? Where did you serve, again?" My goodness. It felt like sunshine had flooded into my gloomy soul, and the first thing I thought was, "Thank you, God, for hearing my prayer."

Strangely enough, it turns out that this girl had also served a mission, but not just that -- she'd served in Hong Kong with my brother, and her last name was Sanders! I'd even heard of her before, since my brother had written to us one time about the Sister Sanders people kept asking him if he was related to. The conversation was short and she moved on to her friends almost right after that, but it made such a huge difference in my mood that day. It's amazing how such small things can make such big changes in our lives. I know it didn't mean much - or anything - to her, but it literally was an answer to a very desperate prayer of mine.

And that's not even the end! This morning when I woke up I asked the Lord to help me reach out to others and for others to reach out to me so I wouldn't feel so lonely at school. In my first class, a girl presenting remembered me by name and asked me to read something for her. Before my second class, I saw my cousin coming out of the classroom and got to say hi to him. As I was chatting before class with the one person I've managed to have more than three conversations with and add on Facebook, she invited me to a flapjack party at her boyfriend's apartment this Friday. Going out of that class, I saw my other cousin (his older brother) and got to say hi to him, too. Not five minutes later, on my way to my next class, I saw one of the three missionaries from my mission at USU and got to chat with him for a few minutes. Before today, the most interaction with other people I'd had on campus amounted to running across one of the other missionaries I served with and saying hi on our way to class. Coincidence that today should suddenly be so different? I doubt it.

I've had so many similar experiences with prayer -- lost things were found expeditiously, answers and guidance came, blessings were received, peace was granted, burdens were lifted. Truly, I know that if we but ask, we will receive; if we knock it will be opened to us (see Matt. 7:7-11). I love what the Bible Dictionary entry about prayer says: "As soon as we learn the true relationship in which we stand toward God (namely, God is our Father, and we are his children), then at once prayer becomes natural and instinctive on our part (Matt. 7:7–11). Many of the so-called difficulties about prayer arise from forgetting this relationship. Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work, and is an appointed means for obtaining the highest of all blessings" (emphasis added).

Prayer is one of the most precious gifts God has given us, and it is sadly underutilized by His children -- myself included. I hope that each of us can be more diligent in using this precious gift we've been given, for ourselves and in behalf of others.

So Much to Do, So Little Time

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I'm so proud of myself. Today I finally buckled down and did a lot of things I've been putting off for weeks now. I suppose it started last night, when I decided I should probably finally unpack. Three weeks after I moved in. But hey, it's done, right? Unfortunately, the next thing I accomplished should have been finished Saturday night: a paper for my 830 Intro to Islam class this morning. At only two pages, I thought I'd be just fine if I woke up at 530 to finish it. It turns out, if you have to learn APA style when you've never, ever before used it, and research a topic you know nothing about (evidences for Mohammad's prophethood), two hours is not enough time to write a two-page essay. So, needless to say, I did not end up going to class this morning (and I feel really guilty about it). I finished it about 1015, packed up my life, and made it on time to my 1130 class (Cold War in Asia -- we started on the Korean War today!).

During my one hour break before my Study of Language class, I ran over to the International Student Services office and signed up to be a volunteer English conversation partner for an international student. I don't know who it'll be, but I did ask them to give me a Korean if at all possible. I figured I owed it to the universe to pay it forward; this summer when I went to do my thing in Korea, I was blessed with an amazing peer tutor that I'm still friends with and adore to death. I learned more from her than I did from my four hours of class everyday, I swear. That volunteer opportunity is on top of the other two I've already signed up for -- the adult literacy initiative and the ESL outreach run by the community. Now if only I could find someone who would pay me for my time...~sigh~

As soon as I came home, I found a rep from the home care/hospice people talking with my grandparents (and a wonderful neighbor who came over to help interpret). So I sat down and had a talk with him about some options we can explore to help out my grandparents, and some insurance stuff, too. Tomorrow we're going to go talk to a social worker and try and get hooked up with someone who can help us get them enrolled in Medicaid and my grandpa matched up with the VA hospital. But I got the ball rolling on my taxes (thanks, Mom!) and the car's state inspection and registration renewable. And this afternoon I finally got ahold of the bank to request a replacement card for my expired debit card.

I still have so much homework to do, and I haven't had a chance to start on it yet. I really wonder if I'm going to make it through this semester alive sometimes. Or at least, make it through this semester all caught up on my dramas. But the two are practically the same.

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Getting back into the groove of being responsible and doing homework is not fun. It's like getting back into shape: you know it's for the best, but it hurts and you don't really want to do it.

Thank goodness that I find all my classes interesting and engaging. I enjoy going to class in a way that I haven't for...well, a really long time. Even predating SJC and UTM. Maybe the last time I enjoyed school this much was back when I thought kindergarten was the coolest thing ever.

Unfortunately, while the academic aspect of it all is a blast, the social side -- or lack thereof -- is killing me. One of the biggest cons of transferring to a new school was having to start all over again socially. I've never been terribly good at social things, especially when it involves new relationships of any kind. Probably I'm just lazy and complaining, right? Yeah, that's it. I need to get my head on straight and get out there and MAKE FRIENDS.



~sigh~

Things To Do Tomorrow

At least USU gives us MLK Day off. SJC never gives off, not even for Labor Day. Still, no teacher could let a perfectly good long weekend go by with assigning more homework to keep us busy, now could they?

Finish unpacking
Make 김치찌개 (kimchi stew) for lunch!! ^___^
Read textbook intro and Week 2 readings for Intro to Islam
Start researching presentation topic (how Islam views other books of scripture) for Intro to Islam
Read the five million readings I have for Cold War in Asia - US policy in post-war Japan, background on the buildup to the Cold War in Asia, more background reading... (it never ends!!)
Read textbook Chapters 1 and 2 for Chinese Government and Politics
Write 1-2 page position paper on what I know about China (not much) for CG&P
Start researching presentation topic (Liaoning Provence) for CG&P
Read textbook Chapters 1 and 2 for Study of Language
Do the Chapter 2 homework for SoL (which involves -- you guessed it! -- lots more reading)
Go sledding
Start looking over Grandma's family history records
Generally take care of, clean up after, and help out the grandparents

UPDATE
Put together bookshelf
Get the car inspected
Find my lost sanity ~sigh~

Off On A New Adventure

Old Main - Picture here

So.

Yeah.

Yesterday ended my first week of classes at USU. My first impressions went something like this: Wow, this campus is so big. Look at all that snow and they're still having classes! There are so many people! A syllabus? The classes are so big and hardly anyone ever talks...Man, I have a ton of reading to do. Blackboard? What? It's not that thing in the front of the room? Oh, you mean we get our homework online? Wow, we're actually talking about RECENT HISTORY! There are right answers to all the questions! I can bring my computer to class? People are calling me by my first name again. Weird. Taking notes...what? All the PowerPoints are on Blackboard so don't bother? Another six readings? ~sigh~


You wouldn't think there'd be much culture shock, coming back to Utah. I mean, I was born here in this very town. I've driven past the hospital I was born in at least ten times since I've been here. I lived here for most of the first half of my life. And yet...there is culture shock. When I walked into church last Sunday, into a room literally bursting with young, single LDS girls, I was...shocked? Not really shocked, I guess. Maybe overwhelmed. But it wasn't really that, either. It was just so different from what I've been used to for my whole adult life (I know, like it's been so long) that I was a little taken aback and didn't know what to think. And always before, I've either been with someone else, or been unique enough to stand out so people would go out of their way to find out who I was. This time, I'm pretty much just another girl in a room full of more than a hundred. Strange.

I think some of the reason I felt discomfited was that suddenly, most of the things that have defined me and made me unique over the last ten years were no longer unique or singular. Plenty of other people had been on missions, speak different languages, have five or more siblings, don't drink, smoke, or mess around, and go to church every Sunday. I'm not saying I lack other distinguishing qualities, just that those were the ones that stood out the most in people's minds. It's taking some getting used to, that's for sure. And the sheer number of people is just...overwhelming. I've never been good at making friends or good first impressions, and I literally know no one, not in my classes or my ward, or my extracurricular activities. How do I even go about making friends when I don't live on campus or have an in into the social scene? Thankfully, by the end of the first week, I know probably five people's names and have had at least a conversation with them. But the prospect of integrating myself into this system is sometimes enough to make me contemplate moving back home and becoming a hermit.

Seeing my grandparents again was a shock, too. I hadn't realized just how much their health -- both mental and physical -- had deteriorated in the few years since I had seen them last, my grandfather especially. I guess I had this idea that they were the grandparents I'd known ten or so years ago when we left for Tennessee, but of course that's absurd. I just didn't expect things to be this bad. I don't regret living here and helping to take care of them, but it's definitely a challenge. I have a feeling I'm going to learn a lot from this experience, even if all I learn is patience.

Two Years Ago Today*

*Note: Keep in mind that Korea is anywhere between 13-16 hours ahead of the US, depending on where you are and if it's Daylight Savings. So even though the date in the US is 5 January, "today" in Korea is 6 January.


This is what I wrote in my study journal two years ago today. At that time I was on my mission, in 서울 (Seoul) 강서구 (the district Gangseo), with Sister Kaitlan Marsden:

6 January 2009
Ether 6:4-12 --> This story is a clear illustration of the principle that "smooth sailing" (literally in their case) is not always the best thing for us; and the absence of it [smooth sailing] is not evidence that God doesn't love us or isn't taking care of us. The Jaredites faced many dangerous winds and waves, and yet, they were always safe, and they recognized that the Lord was guiding and blessing them. Yeah, it wasn't exactly a pleasure cruise, no matter what happened, but no matter how violently they were buffeted by the winds and waves, they were still safe, still being guided and protected by the Lord. Sometimes the fastest way to the "promised land" is not always the most pleasant; but if we, like the Jaredites, "thank and praise the Lord all the day long" and "not cease to praise the Lord [when the night comes]" we, too, can "set [our] feet upon the shores of the promised land" and know "the multitude of His tender mercies over [us]."

Nov 2007 Ensign, Elder Wirthlin ["The Greatest Commandment"] --> Love is a purifying, unifying, sanctifying power. When we love God, we love ourselves, because He loves us and not loving and respecting ourselves would hurt Him. When we loved God, we love our neighbors, for exactly the same reason -- because we want to serve Him and make Him happy, and we do that by loving and serving others. As we do that, the Lord ours out HIs Spirit and His blessings upon us, and we become gradually more like Him, and increase our capacity to love Him. And so it becomes a self-sustaining cycle, if we put in the work, the energy to keep it going. Thus, we are transformed by the gospel of Jesus Christ. "It takes us as men and women of the earth and refines us into men and women for the eternities."

Matthew 22:39 --> There is an idea here that gets overlooked, I think. The second [great] commandment is to "love thy neighbour as thyself [emphasis added]" -- obviously, this is meant to mean that we should love them greatly. But if this is meant to mean that...surely that implies that we should then love ourselves as much as we love our neighbours? The Gospel was never intended to degrade the individual, but instead to lift him up -- we are each, individually, God's work and glory [see Moses 1:39], and as such, we should have great love and respect for ourselves.