In Honor of the Day

A few songs that describe my current relationship status in honor of Valentine's Day:

Happy New Year!

So...somehow, without quite meaning to, it's been several months since I've written an actual post for my blog. I could blame it on being in graduate school, but the truth is I was just lazy. That's true of a lot of things I don't get done, actually.

But here it is, a new year -- 2014! I'm pretty sure I'm still stuck somewhere about 2009, 'cause it blows my mind to think I'll be turning 28 (!!), I'll soon have a one-year-old niece (!!!), and my baby brother will join the ranks of the double-digit age club (!!!!) this year. Not to mention my parents are steadily working their way through their 50s. And who knows? Maybe I'll finally get a sister-in-law this year, too!

This is the traditional time for a few resolutions, made with passion and well-intentioned vows to change. I'm not such a huge fan of resolutions; I always end up loosing steam about two weeks into January, and then I just feel guilty. I'm not immune to the impulse, I'm just too cynical to make a (public) attempt. Instead, this year I made a list of twelve experiences -- one for each month of the year -- I want to have in 2014.

shoot a gun

go to the ballet

visit LA

go camping

attend the symphony

learn to cook some Korean food

organize a service activity

get a massage

rock climb

run a 5k

spend an afternoon at a museum / planetarium

hike to the top of a mountain

I must make sure to take copious pictures and blog about each of them. I also want to make sure to do each of these with someone, and not just do them for the sake of crossing them off my list. I want to do them to make memories and experience something new. Basically, I want to force myself to leave my house at least once a month so I have some semblance of a social life.

Mannheim Steamroller = Christmastime

Happy V-Day to Me!

For someone who has no special someone, I sure did have quite an impressive V-Day haul.

And this isn't even counting two cupcakes and the three other cake balls I already ate before taking this picture.

It started this morning when I arrived at my nannying job. The woman I work for is a professor at the university, and she made cupcakes for her class for the holiday and left one for me in the fridge as a valentine from the little girl I take care of. Then, when she got home I had another because she had some left over. (Let me tell you, that cupcake is possibly the yummiest thing I've ever eaten. At least this morning, anyway.) Then I arrived at work to find my boss had left six delicious red velvet cake balls in a cute bag on my desk. After work, as I was on my way downtown to do a little pants shopping a random group of girls passing by handed me the yellow paper heart.

Then I arrived home to find this waiting for me on my bed!

I know I knock them sometimes (physically as well as verbally), but little brothers have a few redeeming qualities. I have to say, I'm not very good at expressing it, but I'm very grateful for mine.

Just a few minutes ago there was a loud knock at my door and these showed up, thanks to some awesome friends. I'm pretty sure the one on the top left is meant to be a zombie cupcake. I already ate it. It was delicious.

I know Valentine's Day is dreaded by some, but to be honest I didn't spend the day dwelling on it. I even managed to forget that today was even V-Day several times. As I was shopping after work I wondered why the stores seemed so deserted and under-staffed...only to realize that, Duh, it's Valentine's Day! Anyhoo, I'm grateful for all the people who have gone out of their way to make me feel loved and appreciated today. Right back atcha!

Hello, 2013

Do you remember when the US Mint started issuing the states quarters, way back in 1999? Like probably most every other family in the US with kids, our family started collecting them, albeit a little late -- maybe late 2000 or 2001. I remember my mom bought a case-book-thingy for each of us to keep ours in. I remember sitting on my bed in the attic of our house in Tennessee and looking at the slots for the year 2009 when the series would be complete and thinking it was so far away.

Oh, Time, how fast you fly! It's now been more than ten years since I was sitting on that bed, four years past so-far-away 2009. Just the other day while I was home for Christmas, my barely-8-year-old little brother announced, "People born in 2000 are old." My parents and I were sitting in the same room engaged in various other activities, and we all just laughed and laughed. But the evidence that the people around me are starting to be old is mounting. Both my grandfathers died in 2011. Neither of my grandmothers are as hale as they used to be, and both are facing ever-increasing health concerns. My father's beard has much more "salt" in it than it used to, and both he and my mother are a little more creaky than I remember. I have four younger brothers, but only the youngest can properly be called my "little" brother, and my youngest sister will probably stop being my "littlest" sister in just a few years. Craziest of all is that in just a few weeks my parents will be transformed into grandparents and my sister -- my baby sister, the one who is still always just barely 14 in my head -- will have a daughter.

Tomorrow marks two years since I moved to Utah, and that fact sets my head reeling, just a little bit. It seems impossible that it could have been that long. It seems like not too long ago that I anxiously prepared for my first day of "normal" college in more than four years, worried that somehow I wouldn't do very well or have problems adjusting. Now, two years later, I smile a little at my anxious past-self. I wish I could tell her she'd be fine, that she'd fall right back into the rhythm of class-homework-quiz-presentation-paper-test. I also wish I could tell her to start thinking beyond her all-consuming goal of just graduating and getting her undergraduate over with, and spend a little more time (seriously) planning for the future and discovering what exactly it is she wants out of life.

Which brings me to the cliched part of this post.

Ah, resolutions. They have such a bad rap, for an admittedly deserved reason: we're almost universally horrible at keeping them. We set lofty goals and then fall off the wagon by mid February. Sometimes we make it to March if we're diligent. I've been pondering off and on over the last few weeks how best to approach making the changes I want to make in my life. I've read a couple of great posts from some good friends (Autumn here and Kelsey here are lovely examples) that have inspired me to try approaching making resolutions from a different angle than I would normally. I've sat down and tried to work through things logically, attempting to hew to the wisdom that you need written goals broken down into manageable, accomplishable steps to actually change. I've tried just spontaneously writing down whatever came to me. The problem is that there are just too many darn things I'd like to change in my life.

I want to learn to enjoy cooking. I want to be more active and eat healthier. I want to improve my mind and learn new things. I want to take up new hobbies like photography and rock climbing. I want to be a  kinder person. A more organized person. A more financially responsible person. A more-fluently-Korean-speaking person. A better dressed person. A person who does her hair in more ways than just a ponytail. A person who can shower in less than half an hour. And I'd really like to finally not be the person that becomes paralyzed and gives up on any change in the face of feeling overwhelmed by all the things she thinks she needs to change.

Really, how do you choose only a few things to resolution-ize in that long and not-comprehensive list? Not to mention the discouraging reality that making permanent changes in our lives and habits takes an incredible amount of energy, time, and patience. It's almost enough to resign yourself to being a hoodie-and-jeans-wearing, ponytail-sporting, longer-than-20-minutes-showering, often-sarcastic person for the rest of your life. (At least if you're me.) Almost.

Honestly, I'll probably never really learn to shower in less than 30 minutes. I'll probably always prefer wearing a hoodie and jeans to wearing a blouse and skirt. I might never learn to French braid my own hair and wear a ponytail every day for the rest of my life. I might always have to grit my teeth a little when the time to make dinner rolls around each day. Thus I have decided to not resolution-ize any of those things -- not because I'm likely to fail, but because I see a larger theme in what I want in life.

My resolution -- or goal, if you'd rather -- for 2013 is to love myself. To forgive myself. To respect myself. To be kind to myself. To be understanding with myself when I make mistakes, and to encourage myself to do better next time. To rejoice with myself when I do succeed, even if the success is small. To not undermine myself and set myself up to fail. I want to be friends with myself, and to enjoy spending time with myself. After all, the one person you're stuck with the rest of your life is yourself, and if you're not particularly fond of yourself it won't be a very fun or rewarding rest of your life.

Of course, that's a pretty broad goal. To be honest, I'm not even sure how to go about tackling it. Any ideas or suggestions would be welcome, particularly if they're things you've discovered working in your own life. Right now I think I need to start with establishing good habits in place of old, entrenched bad ones: going to bed on time, waking up early to pray and read my scriptures daily, being more active, and eating more regularly and better. Not all at once, but one decision at a time. It's overwhelming to think about overhauling your entire life all at once, but deciding to make one good choice at a time, independent of past or future failures -- that I can do.

Presto Clean-o!

I spent my Halloween 2012 making this...

 ...into this.

If only the actual cleaning was as easy and instantaneous as the pictures make it seem. I still have my desk left to tackle, but first I have to figure out where to keep all my hoodies (which are currently draped over my desk chair). My closet is full to capacity; I certainly can't fit four bulky hoodies in there. The two peacoats in there already are pushing it.

You can't see in the first picture, but the bookcase that is now on the far wall used to be where the shoe crate is now. I liked it there better, but since I put my bed up on risers (which have a wider footprint than the bedframe) it doesn't fit in that space anymore. Boo. But I need the storage space under the bed more than I need my bookcase within arm's length.

July Already?

A good description of how I feel these days. Plus, I just love Mute Math, 'cause they're awesome.

Is 2012 really, truly already halfway over?

I wish I had some interesting/significant news to share with you, but the truth is life is pretty much the same old same old. I'm still in Logan, still living with a friend and her family, still hunting for a full-time "grown up" job, still looking for a small house to rent with a friend.

I had a fun 4th of July holiday, though. I went to watch the fireworks with my Grandma Willis at her retirement community on the evening of the 3rd. (Logan has its fireworks on the 3rd, since the company who does our show also does the Stadium of Fire on the 4th.) I was getting all excited about the fireworks, clapping and cheering when they started. The residents all gave me strange looks. But isn't that what you're supposed to do when you watch fireworks? It seems boring to just sit there. Nevertheless, we had a good time even if it wasn't overly enthusiastic.

On the morning of the 4th I got a call from my little brother Stephen, who had just gotten back home from Paris (you know, the France one, not the Idaho or Tennessee one) early that morning. We decided to get some pizza for lunch and then go watch The Amazing Spider-Man in 3D together. It was his first 3D movie, and we had a blast and enjoyed the movie immensely. It was very well written and very well executed, and I'm a big fan of Andrew Garfield's portrayal of Peter Parker. (Not to mention he's pretty hot. It's shallow, but I own up to my shallowness.) We spent the rest of the afternoon lazing around his apartment. Rather, I spent the rest of the afternoon lazing while Stephen put away his groceries and did some unpacking. We had an interesting discussion about faith and reason, then headed out to meet our Grandma Saunders and our cousin Doug for Happy-Birthday-America celebratory ice cream at Charlie's, a local ice cream parlor that sells ice cream made right here in Cache Valley. Then we went back to Stephen's apartment and lit our $2 sparklers. (Just in case you were wondering...they were seriously lame. Probably we should have shelled out a little more than $2.) All in all it was a relaxing, fun holiday. It was great to see Stephen again. Who knew you could miss a little brother so much??

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig

This was me, 25 Christmases ago.

I'm hoooooooome!

Not jiggity jig, though. Stephen and I left Logan Saturday morning (after pulling a late night doing laundry, packing, and cleaning) with my cousin and his wife. We stayed the weekend at my aunt and uncle's house and had a fun time visiting with the cousins we don't get to see as often. I also got to go to church with my trainer - she goes to the Korean magnet ward in SLC, and so we went to Sunday School in Korean. I was thrilled to realize that I could follow the lesson on the book of Revelation; there were only about twelve words that I didn't know. Radically different from when I used to go to church in Korean, whew! My mission president and his wife only live about a half-mile from my aunt and uncle, so I was able to go over there Sunday evening and have a nice chat with them, too. All in all, a good weekend.

Monday morning we woke up long before the crack of dawn to go to the airport and catch our 7:10am flight. Everything went smoothly until we were on the approach to Albuquerque, New Mexico, where our flight was scheduled to land before we got off in Houston to catch our flight to Nashville. We made the approach, but weren't able to land because visibility was so bad. They rerouted us into El Paso, where they had us switch planes to a flight going from El Paso to Nashville, while our first flight flew back to Albuquerque. Thankfully, that meant that we didn't have a layover and landed in Nashville only a half-hour later than we were originally scheduled to land. On the downside...we had no layover and landed a half-hour later than we were originally scheduled to land. Which meant that all we had to eat between 5am and 3pm was juice and peanuts. Suffice it to say, we were very, very hungry.

The worst part of getting home is never flying, though. It's the three-hour drive home after we've already been on the plane for six hours. By that time you're just impatient and tired of sitting, plus, let's face it: driving the highway in the dark in Tennessee is not the most interesting thing to do. Thankfully, though, Heidi came to pick us up, so the company and the conversation was good. And of course, actually getting home and having all your little siblings run out of the house screaming your name with joy and launching themselves into your arms more than makes up for not eating for ten hours.

It's good to be home.

"Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig"

Increasingly often, I get this feeling that my life is speeding by and I have yet to do anything. How is it the end of another year? Let alone the end of the decade? Ten years ago, our family had just moved into a new house two months previous, and to a new town only a few months before that. It was our first holiday season away from our family, and I was bitterly bitter about it. Ten years ago I was my second younger sister's age, almost-fourteen. Ten years ago I only had five siblings instead of seven. Ten years ago I had no idea my family would still be here; ten years ago I would have never dreamed in a million years that I'd be who I am today. Ten years ago, if I'd bothered to think about it, I'd probably have thought I'd be married with a kid or have one on the way. I never could have guessed that I'd be sitting in my living room, listening to Korean indie rock music and typing a blog post on my very own Macbook, very much not married, with no kid (but wanting one), a Korean-speaking return missionary on the way to my third college in six years. Isn't it funny how life happens to you?

It's wonderful to be home. Every time I come home, though, it gets slightly more unreal. I'm home, but this house isn't really my home anymore. It's my parents'. But at the same time, I don't have a home anywhere else, either. I'm homeless in a non-homeless way, if that makes sense. It's rather disorienting at times. But all that being said, it is wonderful to be home. For the first time in a long time, my whole family was at the same church at the same time last Sunday. I'm looking forward to Christmas coming up in a few days, and more family-togetherness time. We'll open our stockings, have ice cream on our waffles for breakfast, open the presents slowly (and one at a time -- my dad insists), oh and ah over everyone's new stuff, sit around doing nothing much of anything, make perogies, eat those yummy perogies. Traditions involving food are always the best traditions.

On the third day of Christmas...

Did you know, the twelve days of Christmas actually START on Christmas? They end on 6 January, or Epiphany, the day that tradition says the Wise Men came to see Jesus. Of course, it didn't actually happen like that...but then again, Jesus wasn't born on 25 December, either.

It's been so wonderful this last week to be home! I've missed it. And Christmas was even better! Not because of the presents, though I was excited to get a really awesome mixing bowl, but because for the first time in over two years my whole family was under the same roof at the same time. Well, the whole family plus Doug. :)

What great weather we've had lately

Mom and I finally figured out my financial aid situation, and frankly, it's not all that hot. Mom submitted all the paperwork that was required before I even came home, but it wasn't until about five months later -- in the middle of June -- that they calculated my award and sent it to me. I'm not sure why that is, but sadly, even though tuition and housing costs have risen and our family has more kids in college now (three! plus my dad's doing his doctorate), they gave me less aid than my original award my freshman year. That leaves me with about a $6000 gap between my aid and my expenses, and I have to find it before August. I might end up just having to take out a personal loan and start working two jobs to cover everything. If you could spare a couple of seconds to send up some prayers on my behalf, I would greatly appreciate it. 

This week marks the fifth week of work, with two more left in the summer program (it ends the last Friday in July). School doesn't start at SJC until the end of August, so I'm seriously thinking about going out to Annapolis a couple of weeks early, crashing on someone's couch, and spending that time hunting for a job -- or two. Mom and I haven't talked about it yet, really. For sure, though, I won't have a job here after the 24th. I can't believe how fast June went, and now July is speeding along, too! Speaking of July, this last weekend was the Fourth of July. As much as I love Korea and want to go back, it sure was nice to celebrate the Fourth in the good ol' US of A. :D Our family, at the invitation of (and with the generous support of) a couple in our ward, spent a wonderful three-day vacation at Reelfoot Lake, about 45 minutes from home. They went last year, too, but as I was in Korea, I didn't get to go. We went on a three-hour pontoon boat tour of the lake and got to see lots of herons, egrets, some turtles and ducks and even a copperhead! Some of the braver among us (not me, in other words) had froglegs for breakfast one morning. Surprisingly, they're really huge! I thought they'd be little and spindly, but these frogs much be the size of small chickens -- either that, or they did a lot of leg presses prior to being cut off and fried. We went swimming in the lake, went fishing, and watched part of a History Channel documentary on the Revolutionary War, and Friday night we had an awesome time shooting off lots and lots of fireworks. Growing up in Utah, you associate fireworks that explode in the sky with stadiums and big crowds, and only get to shoot the ground-bound ones off with your family or neighborhood. But when you live in a state that is 3/4 water, they let you shoot off all kinds of fireworks! And of course, I got completely devoured by mosquitos despite liberally applied amounts of bug repellant. (I think at last count I was over 30.) Thankfully, I've avoided sunburn for the last couple weeks, so at least I didn't have to suffer that.

Last night we had the missionaries and my boss over for dinner. It was a really great time. I'd been warning Mr. Robert about the craziness of dinner at our house...only to bring him home to perfectly behaved children. I swear, it's a first for our entire existence, and I know they did it out of spite. My mom made a great meal, and the elders shared a message that really seemed to touch Mr. Robert. He even chimed in after Elder Teuscher (that's too-shur) had finished presenting his message about serving Christ as we serve others (Mosiah 2:17) with a great insight of his own, and we had a lovely discussion about changing our attitudes towards the efforts we make for other people. My dad even sang part of "A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief" a cappella. I'm grateful for the member missionary opportunities this job has given me. My testimony of the importance of member missionary work is growing every day -- and now that the mission president has whitewashed the ward next to us and put in sisters, maybe I'll even get to go on exchanges with them! It's only an hour drive, after all. :)

That's about all there is of interest, really. Rick came home at the last transfer, so we FINALLY, after almost two years, get to talk on the phone to each other without obtaining permission from President. It's been fun to hear the latest news from the mission and hear about his experiences with some of the people I got to serve with as well. Interestingly enough, I'm having just as hard a time transitioning back into calling him "Rick" again as I did trying to remember to call him "Elder Murphy" when we first went to the MTC. I am sad to admit, though, that he knows more Korean vocab than I do -- probably due to four transfers with a native companion instead of my one and only. I spell better, though, so it's not a complete loss. :)

우리 한식 아침 식사 (Our Korean breakfast)

My family (minus the two kids right under me) sit down for a Memorial Day Korean breakfast!

Becca had a bit of a hard time of it, learning to use chopsticks. Daddy gives her a quick crash course.

Marianne eats some 김치 (kimchi).

Danny pauses his delicious meal to make an adjustment to his chopsticks-holding style.

Even Nathan (the littlest) thought it was tasty, as evidenced by his empty bowl.

This is what was left of an entire jar of 김치 (kimchi), a whole package of 김 (seaweed), and two cans of 참치 (tuna).

My mom and dad went up to Springfield, Illinois for a Mormon History Association convention this last weekend. While they were there, my mom stopped off at the Asian market and picked up some ingredients I need to make Korean food. Half in jest, I asked them last night if they'd like a Korean breakfast...only to be woken up this morning by my two youngest siblings clamoring for me to make them a Korean breakfast. Of course, I'm not sure if they knew that meant eating rice, kimchi, seaweed, and tuna for breakfast...but I've got to give them credit, they ate it well and pretty cheerfully. David didn't like it much (I think mostly because he can't use chopsticks and was too embarrassed to give it a proper go), and my mom wasn't a very big fan, but the little kids, and Daddy especially, really liked it. They ended up eating a whole jar (a small one, but still) of kimchi and an entire package of seaweed! They did much better than I did the first time I had the same meal, that's for sure. I guess it's a good thing my mom bought a whole gallon of kimchi -- it looks like we're going to need it!