Stream of Consciousness

I wish I knew where my life was heading. Not in a specific sense, even. I feel a curious apathy about life these days; maybe it's because I spend most of my time in the house taking care of a little life form that doesn't talk. The days are ticking off, one by one, and all the sudden it's the end of September when it was just the beginning of September. All the sudden I'm 24, when I could have sworn it hasn't been that long since I was 19.

It's hard to get excited about much of anything these days.

I love fall!

Fall is the best time of the year.

I love the slight chill in the air, wearing sweaters, wearing jackets, wearing hoodies, wearing long sleeves, drinking hot cocoa, leaving my windows open at night, the smell of the cold, the sound of the leaves rustling in the trees, the vibrant colors.

I love fall!

"For when I am weak, then am I strong"

2 Corinthians 12:10

I would have to say that my mood recently would be more qualified classified as "brooding" (and not in a poetic sense) than anything else. I have a bad tendency to think too much about certain things, say for instance, my inadequacies or my failings. Or both. I'm an equal-opportunity brooder. But as the term "brood" implies, this habit of mine is neither constructive or productive. I may wallow in my weaknesses, but I never seem to get around to doing anything about them. I'm impatient, intolerant, sarcastic, and skeptical on occasion. I talk too much, too strongly. I hurt people's feelings, sometimes without even trying. I'm lazy and unmotivated. My priorities are messed up. You notice all these are still in the present tense.

Weaknesses aren't comfortable things. I don't think the Lord intended them to be. The fact is that weaknesses, shortcomings, and failings -- all those things that drive ourselves and others crazy -- as uncomfortable as they are, are an integral part of the human experiences. A vital part of the human experience. As in, we couldn't be human without them. We couldn't serve our purpose in life without them. We couldn't become more than we are without them. If we let them, they will teach us more than any number of strengths ever could. And not only us, but others as well. We will reach and touch people through our weaknesses that we never could through our strengths, whether those weaknesses be physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. They have a purpose.

I learned this lesson while serving on the mission, but I think over the last year and half since I've been home I've forgotten it. I've let my weaknesses take over me, instead of learning from them -- and the struggles to overcome them -- to become a better, stronger person. We will always have weaknesses, it's true; they will always serve a valuable purpose, it's true; but we cannot allow them to consume and rule us. The way we learn from weakness is by humbling ourselves and turning to God for helping in overcoming them, not by succumbing to them.

난 말인데... Or, Me

So, I'm 24 now. I passed into my 25th year of life on Monday. In honor of the day (though this is a bit belated), I present myself.

This is my cousin James, who's four months older, and myself as babies. Our moms were trying to do the cute thing, and what resulted is James eating my face.

This is me at about three or four years old, when we lived in Bountiful, Utah. I still have the pink blanket; in fact I am wrapped up in it at this very moment that I am typing this. My father is, I think, mortified by the fact that his RM daughter still sleeps with her baby blanket at night.

This picture was taken when I was about nine or ten, when we lived in Bozeman, Montana. I think this was my "I'm a cowgirl for Halloween" look.

High school, and an attempt at makeup. This must have been years ago, since Heidi hasn't been shorter than me in ages and ages. I think she looks older than me in this picture, despite being three years younger. People used to ask us if we were twins. I don't see it, personally.

After my second first year of college, the Sunday before I left on my mission to Seoul, South Korea. I look so young and innocent.

On my mission, in my second area. Good to know I didn't take life too seriously.

This picture was taken this last summer, back in Korea, at a World Cup viewing party in the heart of Myeongdong, Seoul. We lost the game against Argentina, but it was a great experience nonetheless.

Sometimes the events of my life seem very unreal to me. I'm not sure at what point that feeling of unreality started, but sometimes I stop and wonder at the fact that I've been out of high school longer than I was in it. I wonder what this next year of my life will bring?

101 Things That Make Me Happy

1. hugs from behind
2. notes from my friends
3. posts on my Facebook wall
4. comments on my blog
5. squealing like a high schooler over my Korean idols
6. hugs in general
7. being held
8. reaching a goal
9. a really good run
10. reading a good book
11. watching kdramas
12. singing
13. going to church
14. going to Institute
15. hanging out with my friends
16. eating grapes for breakfast
17. BLTs
18. cranberry juice
19. getting a call on the phone
20. watching matches burn
21. smelling woodsmoke
22. libraries
23. getting to go places other people don't
24. seeing a baby
25. playing with a little kid
26. that look on people's faces when I greet them in flawless Korean
27. taking pictures
28. getting a sincere compliment
29. discovering a new band I love
30. Disney movies
31. Pride and Prejudice
32. walking barefoot on lush grass
33. a pedicure/cute toenails
34. wearing a swishy dress
35. laughing
36. skipping
37. watching the numbers change on digital clocks, speedometers, or anything else where numbers change
38. being called by a pet name/term of endearment
39. sunsets
40. sunrises
41. wind in my hair
42. that little hint of crispness in the air that means that autumn is coming
43. waking up to birds singing
44. romantic endings
45. walks
46. the smell of new books
47. citrus smells
48. cuddling
49. taking naps
50. comfortable sweats
51. big, comfortable beds
52. making someone smile
53. doing secret nice things for people
54. foot massages
55. back massages
56. seeing my parents in the airport when I get home
57. waking up slowly, snuggled in my blankets
58. chapstick
59. laying in bed in the morning
60. flip flops
61. landing back in Korea
62. snuggling in bed and talking to Heidi
63. the smell of 김치찌개 and 참치김밥
64. listening to little kids talk to each other
65. setting things on fire
66. knowing my family loves me
67. having my hair brushed
68. neck massages
69. really cool words
70. making connections I hadn't noticed before
71. listening to rain fall on the roof
72. snow
73. a single red rose
74. getting mail
75. getting packages
76. kisses
77. playing dress up
78. late-night talks with girlfriends
79. cheddar cheese and pepperoni
80. counting my blessings
81. doing a good job on/at something
82. reading my scriptures
83. saying my prayers
84. telling people 'I love you'
85. feeling my hair loose on my bare shoulders and back
86. hot showers
87. long showers
88. big words
89. sunshine
90. blue skies
91. full moons
92. flying kites
93. slinkies
94. my pink blanket
95. knowing completely random facts about places, people, or things
96. driving really fast
97. watching people unwrap a present you know they're going to love
98. playing with my spikey blue ball
99. fuzzy socks
100. putting on lotion and having soft skin
101. lazy Sunday afternoons