KNOW THYSELF

How much can I really say about myself? How much do I really know about myself to begin with? I think I know things, but then I think of other things that seem to contradict the first things. Maybe personalities function, not in a 2D world like I thought, but rather in a 3D world where the interactions of the various elements that make us up tangle and twist around and through each other.

The question of what exactly "I" is is such a fascinating one, and so complex. So many things have gone into who "I" is: my parents, my siblings, my teachers, where I lived, my friends, what I was like in the preexistence... I used to marvel, when I was younger, that Heavenly Father knew us better than we know ourselves, but as I've gotten older, I've come to understand how that can be -- and why it needs to be. Sometimes you just don't understand yourself, whether it be because your perspective is too tied up in the situation, or because you're too complex even for yourself to comprehend or make sense of. Isn't that a great comfort, knowing that He knows you? All of you. What a mercy and a blessing that is.

That being said, I've been thinking about myself lately, trying to get a handle on myself. Think of the staggering number of roles I play in my life, all simultaneously: I am myself, I am my father's daughter, my mother's daughter (those are different, I think), my sisters' sister, my brothers' sister, friend to some, indifferent acquaintance to others, roommate, that girl in seminar who won't be quiet, employee, colleague, confidant, that friendly salesgirl from that one shoe store, the person walking down the other side of the street, student, teacher, potential wife, future mother, childhood playmate, the girl waiting at the bus stop with a book and an iPod, return missionary, no one at all to many, many people. Am I what I am, or the sum of what people see me as? I'm inclined to believe the first, but people's perceptions of me still must be taken into account, surely, in the definition of who I am. The only one who really sees the who of me is God -- I certainly don't. Fascinating. Will we know someday?

I Love Lists

I have noticed this about myself. I think it is due to my Type A~ness, but I just can't resist making lists of things. In fact, I often spend more time making lists than actually doing the things on them...but anyway. Here's another one for you.

Stuff I'd Like to Do

write and record a hit song

run a marathon

actually learn how to apply make-up and do hair well

be the model for a photoshoot 

form a rock band called Palestrina and release our first album under the title Cacophony 

climb a mountain (a big one)

direct a movie

design and create a really classy outfit

write a best-selling novel 

(but not like Twilight best-selling - more like a combination of Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings)

make a complete stoneware dinner set myself

also, a complete tea set

learn to dance ballroom really well

decorate my home tastefully

write the screenplay for a Korean drama

(a successful, critically acclaimed one, of course)

There are more, of course. There always are when you're a perfectionist, but this is what's on the top of my head right now. What some things you'd like to do?

It Seems Like All I Ever Write About Is Snow

Yep, that's right: it's snowing. Again. That makes three snowstorms of fairly major proportions (at least for this neck of the woods) in a week and a half. A week and a half! When some winters it doesn't even snow at all! And if you remember, there was another big snowstorm here back in the middle of December. Four snowstorms in one season? 말이 돼?!?

So what have I been doing with this windfall of extra time? Given that I can't go to work and classes are canceled, surely I've been doing something productive like finding a cure for cancer, right? Wrong. The most productive thing I've accomplished since last Thursday has probably been shaving my legs.

I know, I know. I'm hopeless.

But now, to spice things up, I thought I'd compile a short list for you, entitled:

Some Reasons Why I Watch Kdramas

1. The men are hot. (I never claimed this would be a meaningful list of reasons.)

2. I like romance. Kdramas are usually full to overflowing with romantic cliches. 

3. I'm a snob. I like that I can (mostly) understand Korean.

4. Did I mention the men are hot? And always doing romantic things for the girl?

5. I like that family ties are strong and meaningful to many of the story-lines. It's an aspect of life that is often missing in popular American television.

Perspective

It's been awhile since I've been in the same place as a legitimate snow storm, but I think this one qualifies. It's been snowing now for more than twelve hours, and I hear it's not supposed to stop until tonight around ten. We're already knee-deep in snow (literally) -- how much more are we going to get? At least they finally closed the mall. Now I can spend today writing my logic paper and starting on my sophomore essay.

The real reason I wanted to write today was because of something that popped into my mind while I was perusing my logic book, trying to come up with a topic for this paper. I'm not sure why this wiggled its way into my consciousness, but I remembered one particular instance that happened when I was still a greenie in Anyang. At this point in my mission, talking to anyone took an enormous amount of courage, and my poor trainer was probably at her wits' end trying to get me to do it. We were out on the streets not too far from our apartment, in an area that was fairly busy with foot traffic. It must have been sometime in my second transfer, I think, because I was talking to people on my own. I approached an older woman, maybe in her late 50s or early 60s, and 인사'd to her -- in other words, I bowed and asked her 좋은 하루 보내세요?, something along the lines of, "Are you having a good day?"  The woman looked at me kinda funny and said the Korean equivalent of, "What?", so I tried again. 좋은 하루 보내세요? No luck. Once more, a little more clearly and slowly: 좋은 하루 보내세요? She waved her husband over, made him listen, too: 좋은 하루 보내세요? "I can't understand even one word she's saying, what's she trying to say?" she asked her husband. My face burned with shame and embarrassment.

It's funny, but I don't remember how this encounter ended. I think I gave up after a point, just bowed and said, 안녕히 가세요, Good-bye, have a good day, and retreated.

This was really a unique experience on my mission. Even when I was very young and still learning Korean (young in the missionary sense, I mean), I didn't have too much trouble making myself understood, at least so far as my accent was concerned. I have a good accent, I know I do. People (Korean people) have told me that I sound like a native speaker at times, and at all the other times, I'm certainly understandable. I think this case was a function of 1) my saying something that's not really a common way of greeting someone in Korea, 2) her surprise at being addressed by a foreigner, in Korean no less, and 3) her not knowing what to expect from me. There are so many reasons communication breaks down, but I think these three are pretty universal, even if you're speaking the same language. It's funny, too, how dismayed and depressed I was about this experience while I was living it, but now, two years later -- has it really been two years? -- I look back and laugh.

눈이 또 왔어

It's snowing again. Apparently it's supposed to be a major storm; they've even canceled all the public transit after four today and all day tomorrow. From other reports people have been cleaning out the grocery stores and probably racing to get gas and other such things. Seriously, what better argument do you need to have a food storage? Of course, here I am, a college student living in the dorms -- my food storage consists of half a jar of peanut butter, some seaweed, a package of saltine crackers, and some craisons. Oh, and I have some ramyeon. And tea. And a summer sausage, from Christmas...so I probably won't starve, but I can't say I'll be very nourished, either.

This week has not been a good one. I would think that going to the temple twice in the last two weeks would improve the quality of my life, but strangely I think I've been stupider than usual this week. Not even the thick curtain of falling snow coating all the trees and turning campus into a life-size snowglobe can improve my mood right now. Not even not having to go into work today can improve my mood -- mostly because I actually bothered to put on make-up, and now I'm miffed that I have nowhere to wear it.




Actually, I think I'm just miffed at everything. Everything I can think of seems annoying right now, even watching kdramas. *gasp*

I miss my family. I wish I was home. *sigh*

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