Friday, May 20, 2011

Kaleidoscope

Photo here
 Have you ever noticed that other people's lives are a lot easier to live than your own? By that I mean that everything is so much clearer to you when it's someone else's problem. As a general rule of thumb. You can tell yourself all kinds of things, things you'd say to your friends if they came to you and asked you for advice, but they're not very motivating or clarifying when you tell them to yourself.

I'm not sure about the rest of the world, but I think that happens to me because I get locked into a feedback loop of overthinking the situation. Something seems like a great solution until you're lying awake in bed at night, staring at the ceiling or the wall, with all the variables (real or perceived) running through your head on repeat. For me, it feels kind of like a kaleidoscope looks - the same basic pieces, tumbling over and around each other, morphing into a thousand different patterns as they twirl around at the end of a tube. Every time you look at it it's different, but somehow it's still the same.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Monday, Monday

The plan for today involved getting the job hunt started in earnest. After sleeping in, of course.

Instead, what happened was a knock on my door shortly before eight this morning. It was my grandma, asking me to take her to the ER. Now, I admit that I was a little bit "Oh, stop being such a baby" about the whole thing, especially since my grandma is just a bit of a hypochondriac. But she told me that she'd called our neighbor (who's a retired doctor) and asked him what she should do, and he told her to go to the ER. So we got into the car and drove to the ER on this dreary, cold, rainy Monday morning after finals.

It turns out that my grandma has some sort of gall bladder problem, which has given her gall stones (and a lot of pain and nausea) and caused pancreatitis. Since she can't eat lest she aggravate her pancreas, she'll have to stay in the hospital for a few days until she stabilizes enough to do the surgery to remove her gall bladder. On an unrelated tangent, it amazes me how quickly news spreads. Already half my grandma's friends and people from church have called asking for an update on her condition; two people had brought her flowers by the time I got back to the hospital after I ran home to check on my grandpa and eat some food.

I'm so grateful that this didn't happen last Monday. Or the Monday before that, even. That would have probably ended me. I would have croaked from the stress of too many things going on in my life. I think now I've finally managed to process - on an initial level - that my grandpa is really gone. I've gotten all my final papers in and that stress out of the way. If this had come on top of those two, I don't know if I'd have made it. I might have just curled up in a ball and stayed catatonic for a while until it all went away. Too bad that doesn't actually solve any problems. Now I need to tackle finding a job for the summer, finding a way to get to that job, and finding a place to live this autumn. And finding out what the heck I'm going to do with my life after next May.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Summer Goals

My Goals for the Summer

make a baby quilt with my grandma

take up rock climbing

learn to longboard

pass the Korean language aptitude test

do a lot of family history

make new friends

 run a 5k

get lots and lots of sleep

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Stream of Conciousness

I did it. Remember those two 10+-page papers I had to write in just three days? I did it. I blows my mind just a little bit. With the first paper, the paper I wrote for my Intro to Islam class (fascinating, by the way) on comparing and contrasting the concept of God in Islam and in my religion, I felt such a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction when I turned it in Friday night. I spent half of Saturday at my grandfather's memorial and with my family; the other half I spent cramming all I could about Sino-North Korean relations since 1949 into my head. I don't do homework on Sundays. Believe me, I was anxious about that. I mean, that left me with just one day to write (and finish researching) a whole paper on a massive topic. But I woke up at five am on Monday and wrote the first 3.5 pages in under four hours -- which is a miracle for me. Then I went to take the one final I had. I came back and wrote a little more, but I couldn't concentrate. I took a break from just after three pm to about six-thirty pm. Watched Bones, checked my Facebook, went and had dinner at a friend's place. I came back, said a little prayer that I could stay focused, and knocked out the rest of the paper. It was in before ten pm, two hours before it was due. The whole experience was completely anti-climatic. There wasn't any sense of accomplishment or relief. Mostly I just felt like I'd written a crap paper. I woke up Tuesday morning and checked Blackboard and there it was: a 19.5/20. Maybe I was too hard on myself. Maybe my teacher wasn't holding me to the standard I thought she was. Maybe she just read it late at night and wanted to just get it out of the way. Maybe she read it after someone's paper that was actually crap. I don't know. I still don't know what I made on my other paper. And I've got one more left. This one's about the Korean War, Vietnam, and Afghanistan. Not the current war in Afghanistan. The one with the Soviets. And I have to find a job. A car. A place to live. A purpose for the rest of my life.

I said before that I've been listening to Mutemath a lot recently. This is from their song "Clipping".

Feeling overload
Carrying bottled skies around
I've been drowning all along
Wearing out in a faltered sea
And I give up

Common sense failed again
Meddling in a foreign scene
Foreign dream
Oh, Time won't spare another sun
Daring me with another choice, another choice

Anymore, I don't know who to fight anymore
I don't know what is right anymore, anymore

Friday, April 29, 2011

A Music Moment (in Haste)

Photo here
I'm currently trying to cram writing two papers of 10+ pages each (on vastly different topics, I might add) into just three days. This song, "Better" by the Blue Shoes, I discovered on Bones, on the episode "Mayhem on a Cross" (4x21), and it's currently playing on repeat. I do love a show with a good music director. Just one more reason Bones is amazingly awesome. I'd try to be a little more descriptive than that, but my powers of good writing are being channeled in another direction at the moment.

And why would you not watch Bones, especially this amazing episode, when STEPHEN FRY makes a guest starring appearance as a psychiatrist who used to be a glam rocker in six-inch platforms? You don't want to miss it. It's on Netflix InstantPlay with no commercials!

Photo here

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

MUTEMATH



Photo here

I've been going through a MuteMath phase recently, listening to their albums all day long. They seem to fit my mood recently. Check out some of my favorite tracks: 


Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

One of my favorites, Lost Year, I can't seem to find on playlist.com, but I would recommend going to YouTube to check it out. It goes along quite nicely with my last post about love and choices.

Life and Love and Choices

On the walk back to my car this afternoon (which was lovely, by the way - the weather has cycled out of the constant rain-snow-sleet-and-gloomy-clouds phase into blue-skies-and-fluffy-clouds phase; we'll see how long it lasts), I was thinking about love and relationships, all kinds of them. I was thinking about how people get divorced citing "irreconcilable differences", about how people say they "fall out of love" or just "stop loving" someone else. And it reoccured to me that really all that is is laziness and shifting the blame onto to Fate or the Cosmos or whatever. Love is a matter of choice. Attraction is another matter, but love really is about choices, just like life is. The fact of the matter is that God has given all the priceless gift of agency. No one, not ever, can force you to do something. Your ability to choose exists outside of and independent from anyone else's influence, even God's. What you do is your choice, no matter what anyone else may be doing, to you or around you.

Now, there are mitigating circumstances, of course, but in general the principle applies to everyone. Your choice to smoke pot is still your choice, no matter how many people are pressuring you to do it. It was your choice to be in a place where someone would pressure you to smoke pot, in the first place. Your choice to divorce your spouse because you can't agree about how the money should be spent is a choice that means one or both of you have decided that money or the things it buys is more important than the person you've promised to spend the rest of life (and maybe eternity) with, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health - in short, through everything. It's your choice. No one else can make it for you, and no one else will have to live with the consequences of that choice. You will. If someone threatens you with a gun to your head and tells you to rob a bank or jump off a cliff, you still have a choice. If someone has something on you and threatens to reveal everything if you don't pay them off or do them a "favor", you still have a choice. There is always a choice. To say otherwise is to attempt to pass the responsibility to someone or something else. In the end, you're going to be the one held accountable for your choices. And it strikes me that, unlike most mortal judges and juries, God might not be persuaded that "it wasn't my fault" by pleas of "but I had no choice!"

Which is why I'd better stop procrastinating and get to work on writing these papers.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Maybe

Maybe it's the fatigue of the end-of-the-semester rush to write all my final papers (no final tests, thank goodness). Maybe it's that I'm not too terribly patient and I've found one too many dirty spoons in the clean plate cupboard. (Or maybe it's one too many empty yogurt containers in the fridge.) Maybe it's that my room never really gets any sunlight. Maybe it's that after four months here at a new school I still don't have any friends. (Okay, I have one or two, I exaggerate.) Maybe it's the location change, from one side of the US to the other. Maybe it's that many of my friends are getting engaged, married, or pregnant. Maybe it's the recent upheavals in my family. Maybe it's because I'm spending too much time watching old Angel episodes (mmmmmm, David Boreanaz! ^_^).

Or maybe it's because I just like to wallow. I like a good wallow just as much as the next person.

Picture here

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Finals Are a Fun Time for All

I know I've been absent in the blogosphere for a while now. Along with all the craziness inherent in the last few weeks of the semester, some personal and family things have cropped up, as well. I have three final (and long) papers to write this week, a job to find, and I need to start researching what in the world I want to do next summer after graduation. And what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Where Do I Go From Here?

I've become increasing more anxious over the last month or so, as I've been thinking about the future. I always thought I knew what I wanted to do, but I'm finding out as I'm studying at USU that I'm less and less sure. I've been so focused on just graduating from college for the last six years that I'd never really worried about what would happen after. Or I just assumed I'd be married by the time I graduated so I'd transition naturally into what I really want to do with my life: being a mother. Well, graduation is getting closer and my marital prospects are still in the "extremely slim to nonexistent" category, and I find myself faced with having to do something after graduation. The problem is, now I'm not so sure what that is.

Should I go to graduate school? If so, which one? And for what? And what's my end goal, that I'd go to graduate school to become or accomplish? Should I take a year off and work? Where? Should I go to Korea and teach English and gain more cultural and language experience while paying off my school loans? Should I go to Korea for graduate school? And how do I avoid becoming too focused on my career in the interim before I get married and start a family, while at the same time working hard and providing for myself and my family's future?

All of this makes me just the teensiest bit anxious. Or more than a teensy bit.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Baby Don't Cry

Daesung is my favorite member of Big Bang. G-Dragon and TOP are too flashy and their music is too much like its raunchy American counterpart to be appealing to me, and Seungri and Taeyang just irritate me and come off as arrogant (in my opinion). But Dae-sung is both adorable, funny, and unassuming, all while have an amazing, smooth, warm voice. And so I'm linking to his single off of Big Bang's SPECIAL EDITION album, Baby Don't Cry.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

사랑은 비를 타고 (Love Rides the Rain) - CN Blue

I'm really enjoying CN Blue's first album. They've already released two mini-albums, of which I really like Bluetory. This album isn't really a big change in their sound, but since they composed and wrote almost all of the songs on the album, I'd say it's a pretty decent effort. Here's one of my favorite songs, which features 종현 (Jong-hyun) on lead vocals instead of 용화 (Yong-hwa) as usual. As much as I do like Yong-hwa...I'm really in love with Jong-hyun's voice. It fits the tone of this sad rock ballad perfectly.

Here are the first two verses and the chorus. The whole thing is really poetic and beautiful in Korean, but my translations leave something to be desired. Song lyrics are actually not as easy to translate as you would think. (The last two lines have stumped me, so I will consult someone more knowledgeable than me and fix it later.)

창가에 흐르는 빗물에
In a song, in the falling rain
숨겨놓은 그댈 떠올리고
The hidden memories of you come to my mind
가슴에 흐르는 눈물로
And through the tears spilling from my heart
그대를 지워보곤 하죠
I'm trying to forget you.
이 소리를 듣고 있죠
You're listening to this, right?
비를 좋아하던 그대도
You, who loved the rain, 
나를 기억하나요
Do you remember me, too?
비가오면 나는 그댈 그려요
When it rains, I miss you.

사랑은 비를 타고 내려
Loves rides the rain and falls,
추억은 비를 타고 흘러
Memories ride the rain and flow,
내리는 빗소리에 또 그댈 떠올려요
In the sound of the falling rain, you come to my mind.
눈물은 비를 타고 내려
Tears ride the rain and fall,
기억은 비를 타고 흘러
Memories ride the rain and flow,
굳은 가슴 적셔 놓고
Soaking my hardened heart,
떠나가네요 비를 타고
And you're leaving, riding the rain.

그댄 비를 보면 비를 닮아
You said that when you watch the rain
슬퍼진다고 말했죠
Like the rain, you become sad.
우리의 사랑도 이젠
Now, our love too
비를 닮아 버린 얘기이죠
Has become a story like the rain.
그댄 떠나갔어도 나를 기억해줘요
Even though you left, please remember me.
(나를 기억해줘요)
(Please remember me.)
그리움이 많아서

차오를 때 비가 부를 테니까

(Chorus)

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Books I Love

To me, the most interesting stories are the ones that are character-driven. I'm willing to forgive an author a lot of stupid plot twist if her characters are fleshed out and relatable, if they draw me in and make me sympathize with them.

L. M. Montgomery is one of those authors that can write a book where really nothing much happens but make it compelling because of her characters. Her Anne books, the Emily books, and The Blue Castle have been some of my favorite books for well over a decade now. At the center of each of them is a heroine who is neither perfect nor perfectly beautiful, who is more flawed than not -- someone who is, in short, rather like you and me. 

In an age where most books for young adults seem to all be set in dystopian worlds and offer prime examples to how not to be in a relationship (overprotective sparkly stalking vampires, anyone?), L. M. Montgomery explores the beauty of everyday life and relationships. After following Anne from the time she came to Avonlea as a skinny, red-haired, unloved orphan through schooling, friends, college, a few heart-aches and embarrassments, through college and first love, discovering true love and true heart-break in short order, into motherhood and the quite contentment of watching her children grow up, she feels just like a friend. The only friend that's been with me through everything since I was a child.

And The Blue Castle is the kind of story that proves that you can have a captivating love story that doesn't have to include either crazy hijinks or buckets of tears. Though fairly short, I guarantee you'll fall in love with Valancy and her journey from the mousy, insignificant girl she is at the beginning to the confident, loved-and-loving woman she is at the end. Here's an excerpt for you (you can find the source here):


“We’ll just sit here,” said Barney, “and if we think of anything worth saying we’ll say it. Otherwise, not. Don’t imagine you’re bound to talk to me.”
“John Foster says,” quoted Valance, ” ‘If you can sit in silence with a person for half an hour and yet be entirely comfortable, you and that person can be friends. If you cannot, friends you’ll never be and you need not waste time in trying.”
“Evidently John Foster says a sensible thing once in a while,” conceded Barney.
They sat in silence for a long while. Little rabbits hopped across the road. once or twice an owl laughed out delightfully. The road beyond them was fringed with the woven shadow lace of trees. Away off to the southwest the sky was full of silvery little cirrus clouds above the spot where Barney’s island must be.
Valancy was perfectly happy. Some things dawn on you slowly. Some things come by lightning flashes. Valancy had had a lightning flash.
She knew quite well now that she loved Barney. Yesterday she had been all her own. Now she was this man’s. Yet he had done nothing – said nothing. He had not even looked at her as a woman. But that didn’t matter. Nor did it matter what he was or what he had done. She loved him without any reservations. Everything in her went out wholly to him. She had no wish to stifle or disown her love. She seemed to be his so absolutely that thought apart from him – thought in which he did not predominate – was an impossibility.
She had realised, quite simply and fully, that she loved him, in the moment when he was leaning on the car door, explaining that Lady Jane had no gas. She had looked deep into his eyes in the moonlight and had known. In just that infinitesimal space of time everything was changed. Old things passed away and all things became new.
She was no longer unimportant, little old maid Valancy Stirling. She was a woman, full of love and therefore rich and significant – justified to herself. Life was no longer empty and futile, and death could cheat her of nothing. Love had cast out her last fear.
Love! What a searing, torturing, intolerably sweet thing it was – this possession of body, soul and mind! With something at its core as fine and remote and purely spiritual as the tiny blue spark in the heart of the unbreakable diamond. No dream had ever been like this. She was no longer solitary. She was one of a vast sisterhood – all the women who had ever loved in the world.
Barney need never know it – though she would not in the least have minded his knowing. But she knew it and it made a tremendous difference to her. Just to love! She did not ask to be loved. It was rapture enough just to sit there beside him in silence, alone in the summer night in the white splendour of moonshine, with the wind blowing down on them out of the pine woods. She had always envied the wind. So free. Blowing where it listed. Through the hills. Over the lakes. What a tang, what a zip it had! What a magic of adventure! Valancy felt as if she had exchanged her shop-worn soul for a fresh one, fire-new from the workshop of the gods. As far back as she could look, life had been dull – colourless – savourless. Now she had come to a little patch of violets, purple and fragrant – hers for the plucking. No matter who or what had been in Barney’s past – no matter who or what might be in his future – no one else could ever have this perfect hour. She surrendered herself utterly to the charm of the moment.
“Ever dream of ballooning?” said Barney suddenly.
“No,” said Valancy.
“I do – often. Dream of sailing through the clouds – seeing the glories of sunset – spending hours in the midst of a terrific storm with lightning playing above and below you – skimming above a silver cloud floor under a full moon – wonderful!”
“It does sound so,” said Valancy. “I’ve stayed on earth in my dreams.”
She told him about her Blue Castle. It was so easy to tell Barney things. One felt he understood everything – even the things you didn’t tell him. And then she told him a little of her existence before she came to Roaring Abel’s. She wanted him to see why she had gone to the dance “up back”.
“You see – I’ve never had any real life,” she said. “I’ve just – breathed. Every door has always been shut to me.”
“But you’re still young,” said Barney.
“Oh, I know. Yes, I’m ‘still young’ – but that’s so different from young,” said Valancy bitterly. For a moment she was tempted to tell Barney why her years had nothing to do with her future; but she did not. She was not going to think of death tonight.
“Though I never was really young,” she went on – “until tonight,” she added in her heart. “I never had a life like other girls. You couldn’t understand. Why” — she had a desperate desire that Barney should know the worst about her — “I didn’t even love my mother. Isn’t it awful that I don’t love my mother?”
“Rather awful — for her,” said Barney drily.
“Oh, she didn’t know it. She took my love for granted. And I wasn’t any use or comfort to her or anybody. I was just a — a — vegetable. And I got tired of it. That’s why I came to keep house for Mr. Gay and look after Cissy.”
“And I suppose your people thought you’d gone mad.”
“They did — and do — literally,” said Valancy. “But it’s a comfort to them. They’d rather believe me mad than bad. There’s no other alternative. But I’ve been living since I came to Mr. Gay’s. It’s been a delightful experience. I suppose I’ll pay for it when I have to go back — but I’ll have had it.”
“That’s true,” said Barney. “If you buy your experience it’s your own. So it’s no matter how much you pay for it. Somebody else’s experience can never be yours. Well, it’s a funny old world.”
“Do you think it really is old?” asked Valancy dreamily. “I never believe that in June. It seems so young tonight – somehow. In that quivering moonlight – like a young, white girl – waiting.”
“Moonlight here on the verge of up back is different from moonlight anywhere else,” agreed Barney. “It always makes me feel so clean, somehow – body and soul. And of course the age of gold always comes back in spring.”
It was ten o’clock now. A dragon of black cloud ate up the moon. The spring air grew chill — Valancy shivered. Barney reached back into the innards of Lady Jane and clawed up an old, tobacco-scented overcoat.
“Put that on,” he ordered.
“Don’t you want it yourself?” protested Valancy.
“No. I’m not going to have you catching cold on my hands.”
“Oh, I won’t catch cold. I haven’t had a cold since I came to Mr. Gay’s – though I’ve done the foolishest things. It’s funny, too – I used to have them all the time. I feel so selfish taking your coat.”
“You’ve sneezed three times. No use winding up your ‘experience’ up back with grippe or pneumonia.”
He pulled it up tight about her throat and buttoned it on her. Valancy submitted with secret delight. How nice it was to have some one look after you so! She snuggled down into the tobaccoey folds and wished the night could last forever.

Friday, March 25, 2011

The Minor Third

Photo here

I've always been fascinated by the fact that one, small half strep down for the third takes the entire chord from major to minor. The interesting thing is that nothing really changes in the chord -- it's still made up of a fifth composed of a major third and a minor third. Only the arrangement of those smaller chords changes.

I'm not exactly sure what that says about music, or about life, or about attitude. It's just so interesting to me that one small little shift in the makeup of something can change its entire tone and our perception of it. It's even more fascinating to me that we understand many of the 'hows' of music, the "rules" that we've learned through thousands of years of experimentation, and yet we're not any closer to the 'whys' of music. Nobody really knows why music works the way it does. Nobody knows why it has the effect on the human brain and body that it does. And yet...it does have a profound effect on us. Music moves us in ways that nothing else can. And so much of that is the tiny little difference of a half-step in the middle of a fifth.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Things I Want to Learn How to Do

skateboard
speak Chinese
play the guitar
rock climb
take pictures
cook Korean food
sing
dance
horseback ride
do things without procrastinating them first
sketch
write poetry