"Blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble"*

*Alma 32:16

Today I had one of those "compelled to be humble" moments. It was painful. And rather uncomfortable, too. And I feel monumentally stupid.

The thing about "compelled to be humble" moments is that you are usually fully aware of what it is you need to be humble about -- you're just not being humble about it. Such it was with my moment today. There was nothing new about the smackdown I got, nothing in it I hadn't told myself over and over again...except this time someone else was saying it. It's funny how hearing it all coming out of someone else's mouth has a way of making it all just that much more painful. And embarrassing. ~sigh~

The other thing about being compelled to be humble, besides it being decidedly less comfortable than humbling yourself, is that it's much harder to ignore the magnitude of what you need to be humble about than if you just give yourself a little lecture and then fix it. It also has a way of ruthlessly illustrating just how stupid you've been and how inane your excuses sound when you say them out loud.

The upshot of my being compelled to be humble is this: I'm going to stop wallowing in self-pity (because as much as I try to deny it, that's what it is), stop expecting things to magically go the way I want them to, stop turning my nose up at jobs that aren't quite (or at all, ~sigh~) what I want, and give myself a schedule each day. I'm going to only set goals that require my agency to achieve them -- things like "I will submit 20 applications this week" instead of "I will have a full-time, benefitted position by the end of August". And I'm going to get off my bum and get active instead of moping around and eating a lot of ice cream and cookies.

Here's hoping. ~crosses fingers~

A Sisterly Perspective

Yeah, the one where I'm taller than her? That was taken a loooooooong time ago.

I'm not going to lie. Life feels pretty tough right now. Tough, and maybe a little bit pointless. It isn't (pointless), of course, but it feels that way. And it feels hard. And challenging. As I was telling my sister earlier while we were talking on the phone, obstacles in life seem insurmountable when you've got your nose pressed right up against them, scraping the brick (or whatever else your obstacles are made out of). It takes backing up twenty feet and scrutinizing them to realize that they're really a stepping-stone to where you want to be. What I'm struggling for right now is that perspective.

That's why I'm grateful for my sister. She's not the only sister I've got, but she's the only grown-up sister I've got and she also has the dubious honor of being my best friend. She gives me a little of that perspective, coaxing me to step back from where I'm stubbornly rubbing my nose into the brick, trying to wear a hole through it, and see the bigger picture. I've got a lot of blessings, but I think she's one of the best. Thanks, sis, for being my perspective and my best friend. I couldn't do it without you.

Incredulous

You know a word I'm sick of hearing?

Intimidating.

I'm sick of hearing, "Oh, AnnMarie, the boys are just intimidated of you. You have such a big vocabulary." What? So guys don't want a girl with two IQ points to rub together? I don't think I'm overly optimistic of the male gender when I say I find that ridiculous. My father married a very intelligent woman, and all of my guy friends and cousins did, too, so clearly that excuse is bull hockey.

Live Simply, Love Lavishly

I was reading this book the other day when I ran across the above saying. It struck me as summing up a lot of other good advice in one pithy phrase. Of course, it would be asking too much of just four words to provide the guiding wisdom for every situation, but I don't think you'd go too wrong if you adopted it as your life philosophy. Within some parameters.

I made these four posters this morning on PicMonkey (yes, I'm obsessed). I was pointed in this direction for the backgrounds, and the words and the hearts are standard PicMonkey. I'm not quite sure which one I like best, though I do prefer the blue over the pink in general. Don't worry, I'm not going to go craft blog on you, but I do think stuff like this is a great way to class up what I normally do with sayings I want to keep around (that would be writing them on 3x5 cards). Find some frames, spend a few minutes (or hours *cough*) messing around, print it off, and bam! You're in business. Not literally, though, since the backgrounds that come free are for personal use only.

Look what I can do!

Seriously, why did no one tell me about PicMonkey sooner?! I'm not sure if everyone is using it, but if they are, it explains why so many bloggers have cute collages of pictures. I knew they must be using some kind of editing dealio, but I couldn't imagine everyone had Adobe Photoshop. PicMonkey makes them drag-and-drop easy! I'm sold. ~runs off to make more~

Oh, my poor readers. You're in for all kinds of collages now. If only a had a better camera than the 1 megapixel, medium-res one on my phone.

Resume Writing and the Atonement

I'm currently on the hunt for what seems like the world's most elusive prey: a good job.

It's been more than two months since the day that I walked out of my last (undergraduate) final and pumped my fist victoriously. At that moment I was on top of the world, and though my confidence was tinged with a little niggle of concern, I pushed it to the back of my mind and focused on savoring the moment it had taken me seven years to reach.

But Life has a harsh way of making its presence felt. So here I am: 25-going-on-26, newly graduated from college, out in the "real" world for the first time, anxious about finding a job that will afford me a little self-respect along with my paycheck and benefits (hopefully), worried about paying off my students loans and saving up for a car, and really just wanting to be in Korea. Suffice it to say that this is not exactly where I saw myself in five years five years ago. To be honest, it's not even where I saw myself in five months five months ago.

A few weeks ago I thought I'd found the solution to my employment woes, but it turned out that I wasn't offered the position. A while after that I came across the position at Utah State that I'm currently working up an application for. It's not exactly my dream job, but it's a good starting point, and I'm confident I can do it well and contribute as well as learn. The downside to being really excited about an opportunity is that I tend to freak out about making everything "perfect". In real life this translates into obsessing over every word, comma, and bullet point in my resume, and don't even get me started on my cover letter. Despite what some might say, resumes and the whole process of getting a job are 90% subjective. What one person advises another decries as the most ludicrous thing ever. It makes people like me get stress headaches from trying to reconcile it all and turn out the "perfect" resume, the "perfect" cover letter, and the "perfect" response to any conceivable interview question. This afternoon one such stress headache was in its early stages when I decided to walk away from my application and go make some ramyun. I was contemplating this whole crazy mess over a boiling pot of water when I had a quiet but profound realization.

This whole resume-writing experience is a microcosm of my whole approach to life. I stress myself sick trying to do everything "perfectly" while ignoring the fact that "perfect" is not within my capabilities. And it's not meant to be. The whole point of life is not to achieve perfection on my own merits, but to do the best I can and then leave the rest to the Lord. No matter how much I try, I'll never be perfect on my own. I can stress and spend as much time as I want on my resume for this position I want so badly, but no amount of stress or time or revising is going to guarantee me the job. At some point I have to consciously let go of my desire for minute control over everything, turn it all over to the Lord, and trust that if I do my best and live righteously it will all work out in the end. Maybe that means I don't get this job. Maybe that means that I will. In the long run it probably doesn't matter if I do or not; of far greater importance is learning the lesson to let go, trust the Lord, and seek perfection through my Savior and not my own strength.

Blah Blah Blah

Hello, world. How are you today?

I just recently discovered the easiness of Dropbox for myself. Goodness, why did I ever email anything to anyone? It's so nice to be able to give someone a file without worrying about attachment limits on emails. I know, I know. I'm soooo behind the times (my little brother in middle school had a Dropbox account before I did).

In other news, there's a wasps' nest in the chimney of our bathroom fan. Me + wasps = not happy me. I was stung once (at least, I'm pretty sure it was a wasp - it stung my back and I didn't see it, so I can't be 100% sure), which was not my favorite experience. I'm thinking about making my brother come over and take care of it. Someone suggested that wasn't very feminist of me, but I'm secure in my equality. I have no need to prove it by killing spiders or mowing lawns or getting rid of wasps' nests. I'll gladly trade doing laundry for any of those things.

In other other news, I'm applying for a job in USU's Office of Admissions, where I'd mostly be reviewing applications and helping out students and faculty and doing general office work. I'm okay with that. It seems that Logan is the place for me right now, as much I might wish otherwise at the moment. I honestly thought I'd move on quickly after graduating, but it's not working out that way. It's not that I hate Logan, I was just planning on living somewhere a little bigger and not cut off from the rest of the world by a canyon that's dangerous to drive through in the winter. Plus, I'm dying to travel the world. I guess that'll have to wait. Anyway, I've been spending an inordinate amount of my life the last few days working on my resume and cover letter for this application. I want to get this job. Not just because I'm weary of looking for one, but because I've literally grown up on college campuses and I genuinely the atmosphere. And I am passionate about learning and I believe in higher education. It's nice to be able to get behind what you do; in fact, I think it rather necessary. So here's hoping my time and prayers will bring me the result I think I want!

Since I'm on a bit of a Feist kick at the moment, have another song.

July Already?

A good description of how I feel these days. Plus, I just love Mute Math, 'cause they're awesome.

Is 2012 really, truly already halfway over?

I wish I had some interesting/significant news to share with you, but the truth is life is pretty much the same old same old. I'm still in Logan, still living with a friend and her family, still hunting for a full-time "grown up" job, still looking for a small house to rent with a friend.

I had a fun 4th of July holiday, though. I went to watch the fireworks with my Grandma Willis at her retirement community on the evening of the 3rd. (Logan has its fireworks on the 3rd, since the company who does our show also does the Stadium of Fire on the 4th.) I was getting all excited about the fireworks, clapping and cheering when they started. The residents all gave me strange looks. But isn't that what you're supposed to do when you watch fireworks? It seems boring to just sit there. Nevertheless, we had a good time even if it wasn't overly enthusiastic.

On the morning of the 4th I got a call from my little brother Stephen, who had just gotten back home from Paris (you know, the France one, not the Idaho or Tennessee one) early that morning. We decided to get some pizza for lunch and then go watch The Amazing Spider-Man in 3D together. It was his first 3D movie, and we had a blast and enjoyed the movie immensely. It was very well written and very well executed, and I'm a big fan of Andrew Garfield's portrayal of Peter Parker. (Not to mention he's pretty hot. It's shallow, but I own up to my shallowness.) We spent the rest of the afternoon lazing around his apartment. Rather, I spent the rest of the afternoon lazing while Stephen put away his groceries and did some unpacking. We had an interesting discussion about faith and reason, then headed out to meet our Grandma Saunders and our cousin Doug for Happy-Birthday-America celebratory ice cream at Charlie's, a local ice cream parlor that sells ice cream made right here in Cache Valley. Then we went back to Stephen's apartment and lit our $2 sparklers. (Just in case you were wondering...they were seriously lame. Probably we should have shelled out a little more than $2.) All in all it was a relaxing, fun holiday. It was great to see Stephen again. Who knew you could miss a little brother so much??

Listen to This

I've never heard of this group Feist before, but I heard this song in a show I watched and I really liked this song.

 Feist - Caught a Long Wind

The Blues

"The Blues" by Switchfoot

I have a talent for wallowing in self-pity. I'm not totally sure if this little character quirk is a factory default, or if it's one of the bugs I've acquired sometime in the last quarter-century of life. In any case, it's mine to deal with now, and I've noticed I'm all too prone to it. Mopiness is something of an automatic reaction to difficulties in my life. It's as if, when the little avatar in your Nintendo game runs into a brick wall, it sits down and pouts rather than backing up and trying to find a way over, around, under, or through it.

At various times in my life I've handled it better than others. I usually do best when I have a clear goal in mind--a reason to scale that brick wall, if you will. But all too often I find myself (metaphorically, of course) sitting at its base, depressed about how I can't get over it. This point in my life is the latter. For the first time in my life I find myself without a clear goal or milestone toward which to work. I'm out of high school (thank heavens), I moved out of the house, been on a mission, finally finished college--now what? Obviously, the two big choices are a career and marriage. I can't make the second happen all on my own (something about other people having agency or some such crazy notion), and I'm surprisingly unsure about the first.

"All Blues" by Miles Davis

After moving past the "I want to be a ballerina! An astronaut! Robin Hood! The President of the United States! A movie director!" stage, I finally settled on one day becoming a college professor. Thanks to my father's career, my family has always lived in a college town, and I love the atmosphere of education and learning that imbues them. My family went to museums and libraries the same way other kids went to sports games and amusement parks. (Literally. Never once did my family go to an amusement park; I remember we went to a water park once, though, when I was five or so. But we went to plenty of museums and galleries and art fairs and libraries.) I'm confident I still want to live in such an environment, and perhaps one day it would be lovely to teach at a university, but I can't really see myself doing the five or six or eight more years of school necessary to get a degree and be qualified to teach. At least not right now. Plus, your chances of being hired fresh out of your Ph.D. program at the moment are dismal.

There are a few things I am confident about. First, I want to help people. Not necessarily large groups of people; I think I work best and feel most fulfilled when I work with people in small groups or one-on-one. I also would like to work with people who need opportunities, or opportunities to take advantage of opportunities. My experience in Korea and my studies have helped me see that I have the desire and perhaps the skills to work with immigrants and refugees, a group of people who definitely fall under the "people who need opportunities" heading. Second, I'm not too worried about making scads of money, which is lucky for me. I don't think working with immigrants and refugees will make you big bucks. What I really want out of a career is personal fulfillment. I've worked jobs just to make money, and almost always I was miserable. I don't need to be rich, I just need to eat, have a place to sleep, be able to do a few fun things, keep clothes on my back, and be able to pay off my student loans. Third, I'm pretty sure I want to somehow be able to use my Korean language skills and cultural experience at some point. I didn't spend all that time and shed all those tears learning Korean just to watch Korean dramas and rock out to Kpop. Lastly, I'd like to go into a field or at least develop skills that will allow me to eventually become a full-time mother, while also allowing me to still contribute and serve.

"Rhapsody in Blue" by George Gershwin

So you can see that my problem and my opportunity are exactly the same thing: a very broad idea of what I want to do with my life. It affords me an incredible amount of flexibility to pursue whatever might present itself, but at the same time it's so broad that trying to decide which direction to go feels rather like trying to drink out of a fire hydrant. There's lot of water to slake your thirst, sure, but it knocks you flat on your back in the process and not that much water ends up in your mouth, anyway. (Disclaimer: I have never actually attempted drinking from a fire hydrant, that's just what I imagine would happen if you did try.)

Back to the "wallowing in self-pity" thing. Being the Type A person that I am, I'm more prone to see my situation as a problem than as an opportunity. That part of me demands I find the "perfect" opportunity that will meet all my wants and needs and set me up for life. The realistic part of me rolls its eyes at the Type A part of me and sarcastically remarks that that's a load of bull and totally impossible in the bargain. That just makes the Type A part of me curl up in a metaphorical corner of my mind and start whimpering. This is about the time I start the "woe is me" song and dance. Then the self doubt part of me gets in on the party and starts a whole refrain about how I haven't really done anything and don't have a lot of experience and why would anyone want to hire me (etc, etc, ad infinitum)? By this time, just to get away from all the arguing and the massive pity party going on in my head, I've decided to give into another of my vices, procrastination, and deal with it "later" by going to watch a TV show or a kdrama. Thus dooming myself to a repeat performance sometime down the line, without ever solving anything.

"Blue" by Big Bang

I realize that some of you (if you've made it this far) are asking yourselves, "What is this woman's problem? Stop whining and just do something already!" Trust me, you're not thinking anything I haven't already thought myself, many times over. But just like you don't understand why I don't just "do something", I don't understand why some people can never remember when to use fewer instead of less. My point is, we all have our own struggles. I'm not debating that I should get out and do something--I'm really working on it. I'm working on not wallowing in self pity. I'm working on seeing things in a positive light and taking steps to do something. What I'm saying is overcoming this part of me is a real challenge in my life, just like trying to control your chocolate cravings or your swearing habit is a challenge in yours. It's not going to change overnight. Maybe not even in a few years. Maybe it'll take my whole lifetime, and I'll still struggle with it when I'm eighty. (I really, really hope not.) But I'm resolving to do better, from this point on.

Ten Things That Are Really Awesome About My Life

When I find myself contemplating how awful my life is, I know it's time to pull out the big guns. Because really, how awful can my life be, right? So here they are:

Ten Things That Are Really Awesome About My Life

1. I have a body that works.

Seriously! How awesome is that? It may not be Natalie-Portman-Kiera-Knightley-Emily-Blunt-gorgeous, but everything works pretty well. All my arms and legs move like they're supposed to, I don't have any illness or conditions, and aside from some fillings and glasses and some flabby abs, everything in pretty good condition.

2. I have a mind that works.

I have to be honest, I'm pretty stoked about this one. I'm not a genius, and I'm not claiming to be one, but I can usually learn things pretty easily. (Unless it involves math; then it's not so easy.) I can think through problems and come up with solutions and make rational, reasoned decisions.

3. I am passionate.

I think life would be pretty lackluster without things to be passionate about. They make life fuller and more exciting.

 4. I have an education.

And I have the student loans to prove it, too. Despite the fact that no one is beating my door down to hire me, I know that my education has helped me to grow tremendously as a person.

5. I wake up in a comfortable bed each morning; 

I go to bed in that same bed each night.

And that bed is safe and bug-free and the room is climate-controlled. This is a luxury that many people in the world don't get to enjoy.

6. My family is supportive and loving.

I didn't realize what an amazing thing this was until I got old enough to realize that not everyone had a family where this is true. My family isn't perfect, of course, but we all love each other.

7. I have friends that love me for who I am

It's taken a long for me to come to believe that there are people that actively seek out my companionship, but I am so grateful for the ones that do. I'm grateful for each person who knows me and still loves me anyway.

8. I find enjoyment in learning.
Which is not to say I love doing homework, but I'm grateful to be blessed with a natural sense of curiosity and a thirst for knowledge. You don't get to take much with you when you die, so I'm glad I don't have to learn to enjoy the only thing you do get to take.

9. Many, many amazing people have invested in me. 

I have been privileged to interact and serve with some truly extraordinary people. So many of them have taken the time to instruct me and teach me by their example. These many people have done a lot to make me a better person.

10. I have potential and a future.

Nothing but my own limitations really stand in the way of becoming what I want to be. I'm healthy, educated, and intelligent; I face no danger of being taken away from my family and friends and made to do something I don't wish to do. 

Stubbornness and Continents

I was a particularly stubborn child. I think my parents can attest to that. I've grown into a particularly stubborn adult. I think my parents can attest to that, too. I like to do things by myself. (Or get other people to do them for me. I'm okay with that, too.) I like to be in control and do things in a logical order - my order.

The funny thing about life is that it doesn't usually work that way.

Life is a collaborative effort. This has been reinforced to me over and over in the last year or so, in my experiences and in quiet moments of reflection. We can't do it alone, and we're not supposed to. Everybody needs somebody - multiple somebodies, actually. We need family. We need friends. We need members of the community. We even need complete strangers. None of us can reach our full potential without other people. It's ignorant, arrogant, and counterproductive to think that or act like we can. Try it. You'll fail.

I think John Donne's famous "No Man Is an Island" poem sums up the implications of this truth much better than I could.

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee. 

We don't have the luxury of ignoring what is happening to other people "far away", because their lives are tied up in ours. They need us, and we need them.

Life Is So Confusing

The predominant emotion of the last few weeks of my life has been homesickness. That's right. I, a 25-year-old college graduate who hasn't lived at home for 6+ years, am homesick. I haven't felt this homesick in ages, actually. Not for this long, anyway. I get flashes all the time, of course, because I love my family and I'm missing most of the significant events in the lives of my youngest four siblings. But I'm usually busy and/or productive (they're not necessarily synonymous) and thus distracted.

I think the homesickness is the product of two other intense emotions in my life: confusion and frustration. And all that boils down to the real fact that I have no idea what the heck is going on in my life. It's not a comfortable feeling. (This is hardly the first time I've brought this up, so it's not a surprise to any of you, I'm sure.) I feel useless, under-qualified, scared, clueless, and confused.

I've finally had it (very painfully) brought home to me in the last few months just how thoroughly I threw myself under the bus when I moved here. (Metaphorically speaking, of course.) I allowed my fears, insecurities, and circumstances to keep me from getting a job and getting involved the way I should have. As a result, here I am without a car, without many connections, without solid job prospects, and without any savings to speak of. That makes doing much of anything difficult. Especially most of the things I'd actually like to do, like go to Korea, move back to the East Coast, or even just get out of Logan. I should take a lesson from this and get my butt in gear on this whole "finding gainful employment" thing.

I'm hoping that sometime in the next little while I'll figure out why I felt that I need to be in the place that I am - here in Logan, I mean. I wanted to move to SLC after my job ended a few weeks ago and I had to be out of my old place. To be honest, there are probably a lot more opportunities in areas I'd like to work in (not to mention better public transportation, even if it is more expensive than Logan's (which is free)), in SLC. I like Logan, but I've been craving city life recently, and if I can't live in Seoul or NYC or the DC area like I'd like to, by golly I want to live in SLC.

Set Fire to the Rain

I was pretty late climbing on the Adele bandwagon, having only discovered her this last semester. (On a sidenote, I wonder how long it's going to take me to stop counting time in semesters. It took me a long time to stop referring to "transfers" after I got home from the mission.) This is my favorite song off her 21 album. I don't relate to the lyrics, and I'm not completely sure what she means by "set fire to the rain". I just know I love the evocative image the words create, and I'm totally in love with the music of the song.

Update

Hello, World. It's me, AnnMarie.

So, it may be that some of you are wondering, "What's going on with AnnMarie? I heard she graduated, but now what is she up to?" Well, I'll tell you.

It's true, I finally, finally, after seven years, graduated from college. I didn't march at the graduation ceremony, but my degree was formally posted to my transcript on 25 May, which means I'm a bona fide college graduate with a BA in Asian Studies. My job as an ESL aide for a local high school ended last Friday, the 25th, as well, which means I am now a jobless, unemployed college graduate with a BA in Asian Studies. Apparently Asian Studies isn't one of those majors that people are anxious to hire you on the spot for.

Since two of my roommates moved out in the middle of the month, and I wasn't sure if I was going to stay in Logan or not, my landlord decided to just rent her house to a family instead of trying to get three new tenants. I did end up deciding to stay in Logan, but at that point she'd already rented the house and we'd made other plans. So where am I now? A good friend of mine kindly invited me to come live with her and her family, and her family was kind enough to welcome me with open arms. I'm not sure how long I'll stay here, but probably not past the fall, since my friend is leaving on her mission the day before my birthday and her little sister is getting married in the fall, too.

Originally, my plan was to go to Korea this summer, and possibly even for longer (like a year) and teach English. That didn't quite work out, so I was hoping to move back to the D.C. area, my favorite of all the places I've lived in the States. I was too broke for that and not sure I could find a place to work after getting there, so I made less ambitious plans to move to SLC for a year or so and then move out to D.C. None of those proved to be what the Lord had in mind for me, since every time I prayed about it or took the question to the temple, I felt confident He wanted me right here for the time being. It's not that I don't like Logan, but it's not a place I want to stay in for an extended period of time, either. It's nice to have family and friends here, but the cold, hard truth is that there aren't very many job opportunities here, at least not in the kinds of jobs I want to pursue. I'm not totally sure why I'm still here, but I suppose I'll find out over the next weeks and months.