Sometimes I Don't Make Sense to Myself

Korean indie band 10cm - I'm Scared of the Dark Tonight (오늘밤은 어둠이 무서워요)

When I reflect on what I know about myself, I realize that it's not really all that much. "Know thyself", one of the only useful things Socrates ever said in a life and career that was unfortunately verbose, is a much harder thing than people understand sometimes, I think. I don't know why it is that sometimes I'm happy in certain circumstances, and in similar circumstances sometime else can't be bothered to be pleasant or polite. Why is it that one person has me all aflutter and another doesn't even cross my mind when they're out of sight? Why do I love riding the subway so much but yet want to live in the country? Why do I love Korea so much? Why is it music and not sports that gets my heart racing? Why don't I like chocolate? Why am I so much like my dad?

The older I get, the more complicated the world seems to be. I don't think that that's necessarily what's actually happening, despite some rather sobering developments socially, religiously, internationally, etc; rather, it's a function of me getting old enough to comprehend the complications that have always been there. And they have always been there, it's just that at one time or another they might have been buried below the surface of the social awareness. I doubt there are very many truly unique problems troubling us today. Those problems and challenges might have manifested themselves in different ways or through different channels, but the at their root, I think most of the challenges facing us today are ones that all of our ancestors faced as well. 

Things I Should Really Stop Doing

ㄱ.  Immediately assuming people don't like me


ㄴ.  Telling myself I'll start exercising in earnest "tomorrow"


ㄷ.  Watching kpop videos and wanting to move to Korea to become a member of a boy band


ㄹ.  Trying to convince myself that I don't need to study Korean any other way than by watching dramas


ㅁ.  Putting things off until the last minute


ㅂ.  Eating too many of my favorite treats


ㅅ.  Staying up until long past midnight watching kdramas for no discernible reason


ㅇ.  Doing just enough to "get by" when I should really put in a little more effort


ㅈ.  Worrying about things I can't change

Learning to Walk

For the last week and a half or so, B has been learning to walk. We really started working with him in earnest two Sundays ago, and since then he's made explosive progress. Whereas we used to have to coax him to walk even one step, which was about all he could manage as his balance wasn't the best, almost two weeks later he's walking halfway across the living room at one go. We used to have to initiate the walking attempts by bribing him with toys, affection, or whatever else would get his attention; now, as long as he can pull himself up on something, he'll give walking a shot all on his own. It's amazing to see how quickly he's learning. His first birthday is coming up in about four weeks; it wouldn't surprise me at all if his primary mode of transportation by that point was walking.

But the reason I was really thinking about this is not the actual walking he does, but rather his attitude when he falls down. When you're learning to walk, falling down is a given. When he does inevitably introduce his bum to the floor rather forcefully, he doesn't whine, or frown, or even get very upset. Oh, there are times where he hits his head on a wall or a toy on the floor, or the table legs, or even faceplant into the rungs of the stair rails. He cries. But he doesn't have a bad attitude about the whole thing. Failing once doesn't make him want to give up forever. Failing a hundred times hasn't stopped him from getting up and trying again.

http://www.wordle.net/show/wrdl/2760645/Failure

I know what you're thinking: "AnnMarie, hello, that's not really anything extraordinary, babies all learn like that." That's exactly my point! Every child learns every single thing they do -- walking, talking, eating, running, crawling, reading, you name it -- by failing over and over and over and over, hundreds and probably thousands of times in some cases. Up to a certain age, that doesn't seem to discourage or dishearten most kids at all. They just get up (literally or metaphorically) and try again. It's not until we get older, and see that some kids don't fail as much or as often as we do, that we start letting failure get us down. Failing becomes something dirty, even evil, and definitely something looked down on. But what fundamental changes take place between infancy, childhood, and adulthood? Nothing, really. We still learn by failure. Failure teaches us things that success can't, and yet the great majority of us are afraid of it, vilify it, even refuse to do things because of it.

I'm not claiming that I'm not one of those people, because I very definitely am. I think my fear of failing is one of the defining traits of my personality. It has kept me from doing many, many things. I need to get over the feeling that failing is a bad thing. It is in some cases, of course, but most of the time, failing is a chance to learn something. As long as you learn something from your failure, it's not worthless. The real shame in failing is when you let that failure stop you from doing something that you want or need to do. There have been many stories and examples illustrating this principle told to me in my lifetime, but I think the one that has made the biggest impact on me thus far is learning to walk.

Monday, Monday

Today started off very Monday-ish. My phone strangely broke this last Saturday for no reason that I can determine; I had left it on my bed, went upstairs for dinner, and when I came back down again, both screens would only show white. Also, apparently, no functions except calls work on it, either -- I had set an alarm to remind me to register for classes at USU this morning at 201 am (midnight in Utah), and it never went off, resulting in me being waitlisted for the only class I actually really wanted to take. I had strange dreams last night about a Korean boy band, but the funny thing is, it's wasn't even one that I particularly like or care about. I woke up groggy and to a whiny baby B, and then suddenly remembered about how I hadn't registered yet and had a fun half-hour of panic as I tried to figure all that out. And to top it off, after a weekend of absolutely gorgeous, warm weather, it's back to being cold and overcast today.

On the other hand, I'm on the waitlist for the class I want to take, and there are only two of us; hopefully I can still get in. I did get in to the other class I really wanted to take, and all of the other classes I need I was able to get in to, as well. B went down for his nap without too much fuss, and the leaves on the trees are still pretty even if the sky isn't blue, and I don't have to go outside if I don't want to, so it doesn't matter if it's cold today. I got to sleep in, and my new favorite drama airs episodes today. So things aren't too horrible.

What Is to Come

Fall has been lovely this year. It's hard to believe that it's the middle of November; it's been unusually warm and bright this year. Green leaves have lingered on the trees far longer than I can ever remember them doing so before. Of course, I've mostly experienced it through the window, since I spend the majority of my time at home with B, but I still appreciate the sunny days and the splendid view outside.

It's hard to imagine that five weeks from now I'll be leaving this area for good, at least for the foreseeable future. (What a funny phrase that is -- how much of the future is actually foreseeable? None of it, really.) I'm not really thrilled about starting all over -- again. In the last five years, since I left home to come to SJC, I haven't lived in the same four walls for longer than six or seven months. Moving yet again isn't exactly thrilling, as I said, but hopefully I can stay in one place for at least a year and a half this time, while I (finally!!) finish up my undergraduate degree. I've even decided not to reapply for the CLS program and try to go back to Korea next summer, which I would love.

I'm nervous about starting over, honestly. I don't think I'm good at making good first impressions, or friends, for that matter. I think I am a good friend, at least I try to be, but I always find the initial stages very difficult. I think part of it is that I lack confidence that I'm an interesting person, someone that other people would voluntarily choose to be around. It's amazing how far-reaching the effects of a few years and some bad experiences in elementary and middle school can have. Plus, being a 24-year-old junior in college, when most people my age have already graduated and gone on to jobs or graduate school or families, doesn't exactly make me feel better.

But I am grateful to be moving closer to my extended family. It's been a decade since I've lived in Utah, and almost four years since I've been back; it will be good to see my cousins, uncles and aunts, and grandparents again, and more regularly. And I'm grateful for the opportunity to save money and help my grandparents out at the same time, as well as the chance to be in a place where the influence of the Church is strong, learn about my family history, and take the time to learn about Church history more thoroughly. Not to mention, I have the chance to study what I want to study. (Though sadly, despite Korean being in the USU catalog, they don't actually offer those classes at the moment.) Who knows what other opportunities lie waiting for me to discover them?

DLS iz nawt kewl

Daylight Savings is messing with me big time this year. Worse, it's messing with B's sleeping schedule, which makes life difficult all around. My whole circadian rhythm is totally messed up, and that does not make for a happy AnnMarie.

빛

Picture can be found here

I want to live in a house full of light. 

Maybe it's because of my father's continuous reminders to "turn that light off and open the window" in my childhood. Maybe it's just because. But there's something about natural light flooding through an open window and filling a room that makes my soul feel like singing. Good lighting makes everything better, from movies and television to pictures and even your mood.

November 4th

Picture by Mexicanwave and can be found here

It's November, and some of the leaves on the trees are still green. Just a testament to the warm autumn Maryland has had this year; as recently as two weeks ago it was still in the 70s during the day, and didn't fall below 60 degrees at night. This last week I don't think it's gotten above 55. It seems "real autumn" is settling in to stay. Today's the perfect mid-autumn day -- a little chilly, leaves in variations of red, green, orange, and yellows still on the trees, overcast skies, and a little bit of rain. It's the kind of day you wish you had a fire, a blanket, a good book, and nowhere to be.

Things I'd Like to Accomplish with My Life

I'd like to be the kind of mom that kids go to when they have problems, questions, or even just something on their mind. Ten years ago, I never would have guessed that my mom and I would be such good friends, but I'm happy to say that we are.


I don't know if I'll ever forget how it felt to be in a strange, foreign land with no real grasp of the language or culture of the place that's suddenly become your new home. I'd like to reach out to those people who have come to America because it represents opportunity and a place to fulfill their dreams. I'd like to help them learn both the language and the culture of their new home.


I'd like to be fit and active my whole life, going strong until the day I shuffle off this mortal coil. Which obviously means I should get started, since it's been years since I was in any kind of shape that wasn't squishy. 


I'd like to be the kind of person that is constantly improving their talents and finding new ones. Or at least trying new things.


There's so much of this world I haven't seen yet. I'd like to be the kind of person that is always exploring new places and new cultures, and broadening their perspective and understanding. 

Randomness of the Kdrama Persuasion

(All screencaps from dramabeans.com and ockoala.wordpress.com.)

Pak Min-young as Kim Yoon-hee in Sunkyunkwan Scandal

It's hard to imagine that anyone would be foolish enough to think that the person above was a boy after she had appeared in front of you wearing those clothes.  And yet, somehow, someone (the guy in the second picture below) still did...and even if you don't quite buy that, the tension of "the boy liking the very pretty girl that he thinks is a very pretty boy"...mmmmm, well. It's a lot of fun. And the drama is well-directed and well-acted, and absolutely beautiful to behold. Shall I picspam you with some of the yummy male leads?

Yoo Ah-in as Moon Jae-shin, the bad-boy protector type who falls for Yoon-hee 

Pak Yoo-cheon, also known as Micky Yoo-cheon from DBSK, as Lee Seon-joon, her one true love

Song Joong-ki as Gu Yong-ha, resident playboy and my personal favorite

In other news, my latest crack drama, 장란스러운 키스 (Playful Kiss), just ended last Thursday, and now I am very sad. It wasn't the best drama I've ever seen, but it was still pretty darn captivating. It doesn't hurt that Jung So-min as Oh Ha-ni was completely convincing and utterly adorable and relatable.  Also, it didn't hurt that Kim Hyun-joong as Baek Seung-jo was utterly delectable and yummy-looking, either. Add in romantic hijinks, an excellent group of second leads, and some good camera work, and voila you have the recipe for bona fide drama crack. And lots of squeeling and awwwing.

Jung So-min as Oh Ha-ni and Kim Hyun-joong as Baek Seung-jo in Playful Kiss

And just because I love this drama and think it's adorable, more pictures!

Nothing in Particular

I wish there was something interesting to say about my life at this point. But there's not. I'm at home most of the time, watching either B or kdramas. Not the most exciting life.

Speaking of B, the monitor just went off; he's up from his nap. If I don't go get him, he'll start chewing on his crib.

A Lot of Catching Up

I haven't posted much in the last few weeks, have I? Not for lack of news, but more for lack of motivation, I think.

The biggest news is that I was accepted to Utah State University for the spring 2011 semester, meaning that I will be moving out to Utah in January and (hopefully!) graduating three semesters after that. If not, well. There are worse things than taking eight years to finish your undergraduate, I suppose. I try to ignore the fact that some of my friends will be graduated with their Master's degrees before I even get my undergraduate. Life isn't a race, right?

I'm sad to leave Annapolis. I'm even sad to leave St. John's. I have to admit, it pains my pride a little to graduate from USU. SJC would have looked better, but after I humbled myself some, I realized that there are more important things in life. Like, spending time with my family. Or getting married and starting a family. Or even, just doing what you want to do and not paying to do something you don't. But I do love this place; I'll miss the water, the gorgeous fall leaves, the sense of history and the quaintness that is here. And the people. The people most of all.

I do feel very good about this decision, however. At first, back at the beginning of September, when I was still in school but hating it and contemplating withdrawing, I was so worried about the decision and its implications that I could barely sleep. I waffled between I can't take another minute of this I have to withdraw NOW and But what if I don't get accepted anywhere else? I'll be stuck and unable to graduate, with loans to pay for and no place that will hire me. The worry and indecision followed me around like a cloud, a cloud with wispy fingers that curled around every thought. I labored under the cloud for a few days, until I was almost crazy from the uncertainty of my future. And then one morning, someone randomly said something offhandedly, and the answer to my prayers came all at once, rather like the proverbial sun breaking through the clouds. It's funny how the Lord works like that; so often the answers we need come through other people at the time we're least expecting it. My testimony of prayer and the fact that the Lord answers prayers has been strengthened considerably through that experience; and so it serves a double purpose, not only as the answer I needed but also as a testimony to me that the Lord hears and answers my prayers. The Lord's nothing if not efficient.

Stream of Consciousness

I wish I knew where my life was heading. Not in a specific sense, even. I feel a curious apathy about life these days; maybe it's because I spend most of my time in the house taking care of a little life form that doesn't talk. The days are ticking off, one by one, and all the sudden it's the end of September when it was just the beginning of September. All the sudden I'm 24, when I could have sworn it hasn't been that long since I was 19.

It's hard to get excited about much of anything these days.

I love fall!

Fall is the best time of the year.

I love the slight chill in the air, wearing sweaters, wearing jackets, wearing hoodies, wearing long sleeves, drinking hot cocoa, leaving my windows open at night, the smell of the cold, the sound of the leaves rustling in the trees, the vibrant colors.

I love fall!

"For when I am weak, then am I strong"

2 Corinthians 12:10

I would have to say that my mood recently would be more qualified classified as "brooding" (and not in a poetic sense) than anything else. I have a bad tendency to think too much about certain things, say for instance, my inadequacies or my failings. Or both. I'm an equal-opportunity brooder. But as the term "brood" implies, this habit of mine is neither constructive or productive. I may wallow in my weaknesses, but I never seem to get around to doing anything about them. I'm impatient, intolerant, sarcastic, and skeptical on occasion. I talk too much, too strongly. I hurt people's feelings, sometimes without even trying. I'm lazy and unmotivated. My priorities are messed up. You notice all these are still in the present tense.

Weaknesses aren't comfortable things. I don't think the Lord intended them to be. The fact is that weaknesses, shortcomings, and failings -- all those things that drive ourselves and others crazy -- as uncomfortable as they are, are an integral part of the human experiences. A vital part of the human experience. As in, we couldn't be human without them. We couldn't serve our purpose in life without them. We couldn't become more than we are without them. If we let them, they will teach us more than any number of strengths ever could. And not only us, but others as well. We will reach and touch people through our weaknesses that we never could through our strengths, whether those weaknesses be physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. They have a purpose.

I learned this lesson while serving on the mission, but I think over the last year and half since I've been home I've forgotten it. I've let my weaknesses take over me, instead of learning from them -- and the struggles to overcome them -- to become a better, stronger person. We will always have weaknesses, it's true; they will always serve a valuable purpose, it's true; but we cannot allow them to consume and rule us. The way we learn from weakness is by humbling ourselves and turning to God for helping in overcoming them, not by succumbing to them.