Why I'm Depressed and Not Lazy

Avoidance has long been my method for coping with overwhelming and/or difficult things. Things I didn't want to do. This list is long, but (part of) it looks something like this:

waking up in the morning

doing my homework

doing my chores

cleaning my room

paying my taxes

practicing (anything)

finding a job

making a decision about health insurance

deciding on a topic for my thesis

applying (for anything)

etc, etc, etc

Here's the thing about avoidance: It's not a great coping mechanism. It doesn't get things done, and it's not productive. (Though, to be both honest and fair, some times when I'm avoiding one thing (i.e. a final paper), I get a lot of those other things done, like cleaning my room.) It makes the last minute incredibly stressful. (Take, for example, the time ~cough~lastsemester~cough~ that I was finishing up my last week of classes, taking all my finals, writing all my final papers, and packing and preparing for a marathon cross-country drive home. All in the same week. Yeah, I didn't get much sleep and I was pretty much a wreck. It wasn't a good time.)

I had an epiphany just now, while boiling water to cook up some ramyun for my dinner. Two of my non-shared New Year's resolutions were to be more self-compassionate and to try to deal with hard things promptly instead of avoiding them. My epiphany involved the intersection of those two goals. Right now, I'm really struggling with that second goal. 

My life is exceptionally hectic-feeling right now. I'm trying to juggle making some professional contacts, nailing down a research question for my thesis (thankfully I think I've finally found a topic), dealing with getting the ball rolling so I can do research for my thesis, four classes (each with a not-insignificant number of expectations), homework, a new church calling, beginning research for important papers for each of my classes, new responsibilities in regard to a possible (unexpected) future career, finding something to do and some way to support myself this summer, and all the other mundane stuff like taxes and healthcare insurance and feeding myself. Honestly, I think at this point it might be a tender mercy from the Lord that I'm not in a relationship, because it would just be one more thing to juggle.

But...do you know what I did yesterday with my day off from school? Instead of catching up on all the things I'm responsible for, I went to Home Depot and dropped some cash on some materials to make myself a headboard. Yup. That happened.

Here's where my epiphany (finally -- were you getting bored? sorry) comes in:

I'm depressed.

Okay, that's not the huge epiphany. I've been struggling, off and on, in one way or another, with depression for a long time. The epiphany came when I realized, Maybe I'm not lazy. Maybe I can stop berating myself with that label and realize that my procrastination and avoidance are symptoms, not part of who I am.

That being said, there are definitely times when I deliberately make poor choices with my time. ~cough~all-nightkdramawatching~cough~ But right now? Struggling to finish or even start my Korean homework (normally a class I love)? Not answering emails for days and dreading checking my inbox? Starting decorating projects instead of catching up on work? Making ramyun and grilled cheese and eating cereal at almost every meal because I can't work up the motivation to cook? Falling off the wagon on my calorie-tracking and not even wanting to try to get back on? That's depression. Situational depression, yes, thank goodness, which means that at some point it's going to have to end. But what an amazing moment of self-compassion to realize that all that stuff I'm not doing? It's not me, it's my situation. And I can fix that. I can get help to fix it. And it can end.

How grateful I am to know that my Heavenly Father loves me, because lately, that's just about all that's getting me through the day.

(For more on this topic, I suggest reading Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk, "Like a Broken Vessel". It's marvelous, and gives me a lot of hope and strength.)

I Can Feel It Coming in the Air

In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins has been a favorite for a long time. There are a lot of reasons -- it's so singable, and the tune is so memorable, and maybe I heard it a lot growing up. 

Have you ever had that experience, when you knew something was going to happen? You're not sure when or what or why or how, but you know something's coming and it's going to change things -- if not everything? Maybe I'm biased because of Phil Collins, but it does feel almost like a change in the air. A strange feeling all along the skin, especially on my back and the back of my upper arms. I've been feeling that feeling, off and on and growing stronger, since November. 

The feeling has been so strong that it's forced me to think about some things. It's made me want to examine why things are the way they are in my life. I feel like things are changing, and I wanted something tangible to reflect that. I do a lot of things because I've always done them; I'm a creature of habit. That being said, looking back over the last year, I can see how I started subtlely changing even before this. I started wearing makeup regularly. I started trying to dress more like a graduate student. I bought new bedding. Last Saturday I went to Joann's, bought some gold craft paint, and painted a whole bunch of things gold. (Ever since I can remember I've been a staunch silver person, but in the last few months my taste began to change. I've finally realized that gold looks better with my skintone than silver does.) This last week I took off a bracelet (really a necklace wrapped around my wrist three times) I've been wearing since my sophomore year of high school. I bought a new CTR ring and tucked away my Korean one from my mission. Most seriously of all, I've actually, seriously considered putting away my comfort blanket for good. (That's still too big of a step, it seems. Maybe in a few more months.)

I'm not sure what is going to happen. Why I feel this way. Why I feel like I need to start making small changes right now (I'm still getting used to them). There are some other changes happening in my life, but I don't think now is the time to share them. I'll share when a few things have settled and I have more to report than vague, strange, and somewhat unsettling feelings. But I think the general consensus among all the various parts of my brain is that, while unsettling, yes, these changes feel good. Right. Like I'm more grounded and less anxious about where I'm going and how I'm going to get there. Let's hope this trend continues.

"A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc."

My friend Mary wrote a post today that gave me pause when I read it this afternoon. In it she talked about fear and the things that we fear the most, and not allowing those fears to overcome us. 

I am a fearful individual. I am afraid of a lot of things, everything from the usual spiders and grasshoppers to failing life. Over the years I've let my fear stop me from doing and accomplishing a lot of things: trying out for Honor Band, talking to people about the Gospel in Korea, telling that cute boy I had a crush on him...you get the idea. I have come to understand this about myself much more clearly in the last few years and regretted my timidity in the past, while at the same time trying not to fall into those same patterns in my life right now. 

This is Mary's suggestion for facing those deep, dark things that you fear: "If you have some fears either lurking in the back of your mind or filling up your whole being I encourage you to say them out loud or write them down. You will see that they are lies. Pray to Heavenly Father about your fears and He will help quiet them. Face the future with faith and not fear." In an effort to follow her example, here are a few of the things I fear most.

I fear being inadequate -- in school, in life, in relationships, in the eyes of my Heavenly Father and the plan He has for me.
I fear my weaknesses and imperfections will keep me from being with my family eternally because I will procrastinate repenting and changing until it's too late.
I fear the disapproval, censure, contempt, and indifference of others toward me.
I fear disappointing my earthly parents and ancestors, and my Heavenly parents.
I fear being lonely and alone the rest of my life because of my imperfections.
I fear finally having a husband and family and then losing them.

This list could go on for a very long time. Like I said, I'm afraid of a lot of things, though most of them fall under two larger headings: inadequacy and rejection. I think I am probably in good company, though, since I am sure I am not the only person who fears those things. I'm sure I wasn't born that way, but I've struggled with them almost as long as I can remember, and while I've made progress in overcoming them, I still have a long way to go. Overcoming them will require many hours on my knees seeking the Lord's help in prayer, as well as a lot of effort to forgive and love myself.

The Evolution of Me

You know those graphics that show the evolution of man from Neanderthal to homo sapiens, going from stooped to upright? The same general principle holds for the pictures below.

I'm not even sure what I want to say about this, but the general feeling is one of disappointment. Yes, a part of that is that my waist is no longer that tiny (I can't get over how small it looks in that second picture -- I don't remember being that slender). I can't lie; I'd like to look like that again. But there's more. What I see -- and what you reading this can't see -- is all the memories and emotions and circumstances and attitudes surrounding each of the split seconds in time these pictures represent.

While I'd love to be a size six again, what I really wish I could recapture is the excitement, the anticipation, the innocence, and the hope in my eyes in those first few pictures. I miss that about myself. When did I get so cynical and fatalistic? When did I start "fixing" my problems with a large bowl of ice cream instead of working out my frustrations by going for a run? I don't know that the person I was in the first picture would recognize the person I am in the last picture.

When did that happen?

And how do I change it?

Life and Timing and Lack of Control

Not long ago I was talking to my dad on the phone. With a very few, rare exceptions this is an activity I enjoy immensely. While I no longer think my dad knows everything, he has the advantage of years of experience and has struggled with many of the same things I do. On this particular occasion we were discussing life, and how it never seems to go the way I want/expect/hope/plan for it to. I am hard-pressed to come up with even a single example of life working out that way. On the other hand, the list of things that have gone in a completely different direction than I thought they would is long. 

During this talk with my dad, I brought up something a friend and I had been talking about previously, about how very little of what we want for ourselves seems to be what the Lord wants for us. We both confessed to being concerned about this -- are we too stubborn? too prideful? not in touch with the Spirit enough? Surely I should be concerned that every single big life-changing event in my life has included a long period of denial before I finally resigned myself to it, and that none of my life plans have unfolded remotely like I wanted them to.

Just a little while later, that same friend was teaching in church and shared this quote from this talk by Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles:

"How fundamentally different my life is than I had sought to plan. My professional life has changed. My personal life has changed. But the commitment I made to the Lord -- to put Him first in my life and to be ready for whatever He would have me do -- has carried me through these changes of eternal importance... It never ceases to amaze me that even when we plan out our lives to match up what we think would please our Heavenly Father we very rarely get the plan quite right. It's a good thing he is willing to make changes to our plans even when we don't understand the changes. It allows us to grow and become so much more than we ever would have made of ourselves had we stuck to our original plan."

It struck me upon rereading it today: If an apostle of the Lord hasn't had his life work out the way he expected, I'm certainly in good company.

The difference is, I'm sure he has handled it with much more grace and faith than I have. Particularly lately. I have been struggling so much with finding purpose and direction in my life when I know whatever plans I make will ultimately just get interrupted or derailed. I struggle with flexibility and adapting myself and my goals to situations that are thrust upon me. I feel overwhelmed with the magnitude of the choices facing me and paralyzed at the thought of somehow screwing up and loosing opportunities I desperately want, personally and professionally. But, as my father has told me repeatedly throughout my life, making no choice is still making a choice. The irony of the situation is that by procrastinating or shelving making decisions I end up losing all the opportunities before me I'm delaying having to decide on and am forced to choose things I would never have wanted for myself.

The truth is that no one's life works out exactly the way they thought it would, because no one can know what's waiting for them just ahead, invisible around the bend in the road. We cannot control the decisions of others or the Lord's timing, both of which have tremendous impact on our lives.

However, Elder Oaks addressed this in another version of those same remarks:

"Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ prepares us for whatever life brings. This kind of faith prepares us to deal with life's opportunities -- to take advantage of those that are received and to persist through the disappointments of those that are lost. In the exercise of that faith, we should commit ourselves to the priorities and standards we will follow on matters we do not control and persist faithfully in those commitments, whatever happens to us because of the agency of others or the timing of the Lord. When we do this, we will have a constancy in our lives that will give us direction and peace. Whatever the circumstances beyond our control, our commitments and standards can be constant."

As much as I'm resisting what I'm being taught, I know that this is what I'm supposed to be learning. To let go of my rigid, detailed expectations and trust that the Lord knows what is best for me, and the best time for those best things for me.

"It is not enough that we are going in the right direction. The timing must be right, and if the time is not right, our actions should be adjusted to the Lord's timetable." 

Not that that faith and trust is a passive thing. It requires me to make those preparations so that I can take the opportunities that the Lord would have me pursue. And I also need to remember something my father said wrote:

"The lesson for me is that, certainly the Lord shapes us, but he does so chiefly within the circumstances we are handed and we choose. He helps us make the best choices based on his vision and our willingness to be shaped and to be patient. The lesson is that “this is a test,” and that as a test, it will hurt sometimes. In the end, however, the atonement is large enough to “wipe away all tears.”"

Resume Writing and the Atonement

I'm currently on the hunt for what seems like the world's most elusive prey: a good job.

It's been more than two months since the day that I walked out of my last (undergraduate) final and pumped my fist victoriously. At that moment I was on top of the world, and though my confidence was tinged with a little niggle of concern, I pushed it to the back of my mind and focused on savoring the moment it had taken me seven years to reach.

But Life has a harsh way of making its presence felt. So here I am: 25-going-on-26, newly graduated from college, out in the "real" world for the first time, anxious about finding a job that will afford me a little self-respect along with my paycheck and benefits (hopefully), worried about paying off my students loans and saving up for a car, and really just wanting to be in Korea. Suffice it to say that this is not exactly where I saw myself in five years five years ago. To be honest, it's not even where I saw myself in five months five months ago.

A few weeks ago I thought I'd found the solution to my employment woes, but it turned out that I wasn't offered the position. A while after that I came across the position at Utah State that I'm currently working up an application for. It's not exactly my dream job, but it's a good starting point, and I'm confident I can do it well and contribute as well as learn. The downside to being really excited about an opportunity is that I tend to freak out about making everything "perfect". In real life this translates into obsessing over every word, comma, and bullet point in my resume, and don't even get me started on my cover letter. Despite what some might say, resumes and the whole process of getting a job are 90% subjective. What one person advises another decries as the most ludicrous thing ever. It makes people like me get stress headaches from trying to reconcile it all and turn out the "perfect" resume, the "perfect" cover letter, and the "perfect" response to any conceivable interview question. This afternoon one such stress headache was in its early stages when I decided to walk away from my application and go make some ramyun. I was contemplating this whole crazy mess over a boiling pot of water when I had a quiet but profound realization.

This whole resume-writing experience is a microcosm of my whole approach to life. I stress myself sick trying to do everything "perfectly" while ignoring the fact that "perfect" is not within my capabilities. And it's not meant to be. The whole point of life is not to achieve perfection on my own merits, but to do the best I can and then leave the rest to the Lord. No matter how much I try, I'll never be perfect on my own. I can stress and spend as much time as I want on my resume for this position I want so badly, but no amount of stress or time or revising is going to guarantee me the job. At some point I have to consciously let go of my desire for minute control over everything, turn it all over to the Lord, and trust that if I do my best and live righteously it will all work out in the end. Maybe that means I don't get this job. Maybe that means that I will. In the long run it probably doesn't matter if I do or not; of far greater importance is learning the lesson to let go, trust the Lord, and seek perfection through my Savior and not my own strength.

Stubbornness and Continents

I was a particularly stubborn child. I think my parents can attest to that. I've grown into a particularly stubborn adult. I think my parents can attest to that, too. I like to do things by myself. (Or get other people to do them for me. I'm okay with that, too.) I like to be in control and do things in a logical order - my order.

The funny thing about life is that it doesn't usually work that way.

Life is a collaborative effort. This has been reinforced to me over and over in the last year or so, in my experiences and in quiet moments of reflection. We can't do it alone, and we're not supposed to. Everybody needs somebody - multiple somebodies, actually. We need family. We need friends. We need members of the community. We even need complete strangers. None of us can reach our full potential without other people. It's ignorant, arrogant, and counterproductive to think that or act like we can. Try it. You'll fail.

I think John Donne's famous "No Man Is an Island" poem sums up the implications of this truth much better than I could.

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee. 

We don't have the luxury of ignoring what is happening to other people "far away", because their lives are tied up in ours. They need us, and we need them.

Some words I needed to hear

I read this this morning at my breakfast table, and I was struck by how much it applies to me at this point in my life.


"One of my favorite scriptural accounts that illustrates this important principle is found in Matthew chapter 14. As the disciples watched the Savior walk on the Sea of Galilee toward their boat, they thought they were seeing a ghost. Jesus assured them that it was He and that they need not be afraid. Peter declared, “Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water” (verse 28). Jesus said, “Come.” Matthew then records, “And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus” (see Matthew 14:24–29).

The rest of the story is what I find most significant. I can’t relate to walking on water, but I can relate to what Peter experienced next:

“But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

“And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

“And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased.

“Then they that were in the ship came and worshipped him, saying, Of a truth thou art the Son of God” (Matthew 14:30–33).

All of us have had, are having, or will yet have a Peter-like “sinking” experience in some way and will at some time (probably many times) cry out, “Lord, save me.” Even Peter’s strong fisherman arms were not strong enough to save him. He needed the rescuing arms of Christ, and so do we. Can you imagine Peter—choking, his head bobbing beneath the surface of the water—saying as the Savior extends His arms: “No, thank you. I will swim to shore. I sank myself, so I must save myself”? Of course not. How ridiculous! Yet we sometimes do just that.

We may know in our heads that our mortal arms and hands are deficient—in fact, utterly incapable of rescuing or redeeming us—but we sometimes resist, even recoil from, the outstretched arms of the Savior. Sometimes we spiritually drown ourselves because we won’t allow His arms to cradle us. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve eloquently stated:

“May I be bold enough to suggest that it is impossible for anyone who really knows God to doubt his willingness to receive us with open arms in a divine embrace if we will but ‘come unto Him.’ …

“I am convinced that none of us can appreciate how deeply it wounds the loving heart of the Savior of the world when he finds that his people do not feel confident in his care or secure in his hands.”"

From "The Loving Arms of Christ", April 2012 Engsin

Forget-Me-Not

"Let us not walk the path of discipleship with our eyes on the ground, thinking only of the tasks and obligations before us. Let us not walk unaware of the beauty of the glorious earthly and spiritual landscapes that surround us. ...[S]eek out the majesty, the beauty, and the exhilarating joy of the “why” of the gospel of Jesus Christ. The “what” and “how” of obedience mark the way and keep us on the right path. The “why” of obedience sanctifies our actions, transforming the mundane into the majestic. It magnifies our small acts of obedience into holy acts of consecration."

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Forget Me Not
(emphasis added)

Unfortunately, I think I have forgotten this. Oh, not on an intellectual level, but on the gut level - the level where knowing it fundamentally changes your life. I've let earthly concerns crowd my mind until I want to curl up in a ball and just shut out everything meaningful and important. I resent the time it requires to do anything that takes me away from a state of curled-up-shutting-out-everything~ness: eating, exercising, doing homework, going to class...and all the little things I need to do to keep myself in tune with the Spirit and on the right track. Fortunately for my grade point average, I'm enough of a perfectionist to do just enough to get by pretty well in school, but "just enough" and "pretty well" don't cut it when it comes to spiritual things. 

[Source]: Photo here

The Paradox of Man

"[W]hile we may look at the vast expanse of the universe and say, “What is man in comparison to the glory of creation?” God Himself said we are the reason He created the universe! His work and glory—the purpose for this magnificent universe—is to save and exalt mankind. In other words, the vast expanse of eternity, the glories and mysteries of infinite space and time are all built for the benefit of ordinary mortals like you and me. Our Heavenly Father created the universe that we might reach our potential as His sons and daughters.

This is a paradox of man: compared to God, man is nothing; yet we are everything to God. While against the backdrop of infinite creation we may appear to be nothing, we have a spark of eternal fire burning within our breast. We have the incomprehensible promise of exaltation—worlds without end—within our grasp. And it is God’s great desire to help us reach it."

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, You Matter to Him 
(emphasis added)

[Source]: Photo can be found here at universetoday.com

The Definition of Me

Why are we so quick to embrace the worst about ourselves? Where does it say that who we are at our worst is a more valid who I am than who we are at our best? Aren't we more often somewhere in between? Why is it that when I do something truly good or self-sacrificing, I brush it off as an anomaly, but when I lose my temper and yell at someone, I wallow in how horrible I am for days?

I've been rolling around this idea of identity for the last week or so. Is who I am defined by what I do? I balk at saying a child is "bad" simply because they misbehaved. But I think most would agree that Pol Pot or Stalin or Hitler were bad, if not downright evil. Obviously these are two sides of the extreme. Most of us fall somewhere in the middle.

I think the relationship is more complicated than a simple one-to-one correlation between being and doing. Intent has to weigh in there somewhere, too. Isn't intent the whole distinction between manslaughter and murder one? The outcome is the same no matter what you call it: someone is still dead. But in the eyes of the law, why you killed them is just as important as the fact that you did.

There's no denying that what you do impacts who you are, but I don't think it defines you. I'm not sure exactly what it is that does define you, but I'm sure it's not as simple as one aspect of life.

Boys and Girls Are Different

My cousin James and me when we were both babies

In my marriage prep class we've spent the last couple of weeks talking about how boys and girls are different. Is this really news to anyone? It shouldn't be, but I think what we do need reminding of is that our differences are meant to complement each other, not make us antagonistic towards each other. 

Today we were talking about how we think differently. And by "think", I don't mean your opinion on something, I mean it literally. This is something I never knew until I took this same class last semester, and I gather from my class's reaction that it was pretty much news to them, too. I remember a few months ago, I was talking to my little brother about some things that were bothering me. I can't remember exactly how the conversation went, but at some point he asked me if I ever just thought about nothing. I looked at him strangely and thought about it, and I realized that my brain never shuts off. I've never made a really concerted effort to not think about anything, but just normally, during the day, something's always knocking around in my brain. Usually several somethings at the same time. When I told him that, he looked at me sympathetically and said that that must be very exhausting.

And you know? It is. 

I think that that fact is one of the reasons I watch so many dramas and read so many books. With no "off" switch to keep myself from ODing on thinking, instead I've developed a strategy to switch my brain onto another track. Which is not a bad thing, per se. But it becomes a handicap when it turns into a crutch for not confronting and coping with my problems in healthier (and more effective) ways. Because as a friend of mine once pointed out to me, your problems are still there when you get back from your little "mind vacation", and now you have even less time to deal with them.

We also talked about how girls internalize things. That's a very true truth, too. Not all girls are the same in the extent to which they do this, but in extreme cases some girls take responsibility for everything - everything negative, that is. Rarely are girls with this problem as quick to internalize success as they are to internalize failure. It always seems like a very silly thing to do when you're talking about it in the abstract, but I've done my share of this, too. Every little critique, no matter how lovingly given, becomes the source of a major wound. And I think this results because of the third thing that we talked about today, which is that girls are very focused on what "I am" over what "I do". When you criticize what I do, I think the reason I take it so hard is because I feel like that critique - no matter how valid, no matter how nicely phrased, no matter how much praise accompanies it - is an attack on who I am. That every mistake I make is a flaw in my personality, that every failure to do something is a failure in who I am. 

There's a philosophical question for you - just how closely connected are what we do and who we are? Obviously, stubbing my toe is not an expression of how flawed I am - but is snapping at someone when I'm having a bad day? Not being a great cook shouldn't be a measure of what kind of person I am, but is it? The intellectual part of me scoffs at that, but there's another part of me that isn't quite so sure it isn't right. Like I said, not every girl struggles with this as much as some others, but I think it's a good thing to keep in mind. Hopefully it will make us more understanding of each other and more compassionate with each other when we make mistakes. Because once you've attacked someone for who they are, it's hard for that wound to heal and neither the wound or the hurt are easily forgotten. Sometimes this can lead to a strained relationship with the person who inflicted the wound, but I think the even scarier outcome is that the girl will internalize that relationship strain, as well, and hear a constant inner monologue of "If only I'd done better, this is all my fault, I should have done more, I should have done something different," etc for a long, long time.

Strengths and Weaknesses

The other day I was thinking about a friend of mine. This friend is a truly good person - she's kind, she loves people, she goes out of her way to make people feel welcomed and appreciated, she's smart, she's spiritual, she has a great grasp of the world and her place in it, and she's the kind of person you just want to be around all the time because she makes you feel like the world is a good place. And she has a killer smile and a ready laugh, not to mention she's very beautiful. Now, my own talents don't happen to lie in that direction at all. But as I started thinking about what my strong points are, that got me thinking about all the exceptions to those strengths.

The thing about strengths is that they always come with some kind of drawback attached. Think about it for a second: say you're really good at empathizing with people. That's a great thing, and it can really help you in interpersonal relationships. But think about this, too: sometimes being so empathetic can be completely overwhelming, or render you incapable of being objective about a situation or a person. Or being logical and rational - those are surely good, and they give you the ability to examine connections and weigh decisions carefully. But taking too-logical an approach to certain things - like religion or people's motivations - can be detrimental, not helpful. Let's take one of mine: perfectionism. This can be a great thing, because it can increase the overall quality of everything with which you're associated (like, for instance, how I just corrected my sentence so it wouldn't end with a preposition). On the flip side, it can also mean that nothing ever gets done to your specifications, or lead to a perpetual dissatisfaction with yourself and everyone else - because for sure this world is not a perfect place. It can lead to strife in personal and work relationships as your expectations for people's behavior and performance are unrealistically high. And the list continues, but I think I've made my point.

Every plus has its minus. I'd like to have perfect pitch, but I'd also have to live with knowing every time anyone was just a hair flat or sharp, and that might possibly ruin my enjoyment of some otherwise amazing performances.

So think about this the next time you're tempted to envy someone else's apparent strengths: Would you be willing to accept the drawbacks that come along with that strength you're coveting?

Life in a Bubble

Photo can be found here

When I was in school at St. John's, there was some talk of "the Johnnie bubble", as if there was an invisible forcefield surrounding our tiny little campus. And in a way, I think there was, a forcefield of ideas and lack of interest in what was happening in the world at large. Of course, there are always exceptions - not everyone was unaware of what was happening around us while we read the words of long-dead thinkers and talked about them in the shower, at dinner, and in class.

I admit I was firmly inside that bubble, not caring much about what was going on in the city outside SJC, let alone the state, country, and world outside of that. Inside a "bubble" there's a real sense that the things happening outside it are semi-dreamlike, a little unreal, and they certainly don't effect you or your world. Everything is distant and removed from you.

It wasn't until I was serving in my very last area in Korea on a mission - another very real type of bubble - that this view got substantially challenged. I started to think about that way of life, living like all the things outside your immediate sphere don't have much import or effect. And as with all other real thinking, it started snowballing into a reconsideration of how I'd fundamentally viewed the world to that point.

Bubbles are dangerous. Living in a bubble has disastrous effects on everything from your personal relationships to the economy of your country, depending on the size of that bubble you live in. When we cozily draw our comfortable, "normal" worldview around us and tuck ourselves into its warm, enveloping folds, we close our eyes and ears and hearts to the suffering and struggles of millions, even billions of people. We turn everyone outside it into "others" who become stereotypes and sometimes even less than human, or worst of all, simply vague concepts that aren't really that important in the grand scheme of things. We close ourselves off from new ideas, new ways of examining our problems, from the very experience we've been sent here to obtain. We rob ourselves of the opportunity to grow and become better people; we deny ourselves opportunities to love and serve our fellowmen. We do ourselves a horrible injustice, because what happens around us certainly does impact us. A web of choices and consequences connects your decision to purchase a certain item in one country to the dramatic altering of a person you've never met's life in another country. What you do matters. What other people do matters to you, or it should, because it effects you.

All you have to do to prove that is to examine history. Do you think people in America really gave much of a thought to an assassinated Archduke somewhere over in Europe in 1914? Probably not. Probably the majority of Americans didn't even know it had happened. And yet, the consequences of that one action - and all the actions that preceded that decision to act - had a terrible, tremendous impact on Americans then and are still effecting us even to this day. You have a stake in internal politics in China. The economic situation in Europe is effecting you right now. They may seem far off and remote, but life has a way of making a mountain out of a molehill.

Or maybe it's only our perception that makes one a mountain and another a molehill. The thing about bubbles is they have a disturbing tendency to pop.

Photo can be found here

Questions and Answers

I wrote a while back that I didn't know why I was here. Of course, no one can know all the reasons for everything - I'm a firm believer that everything serves more than one purpose, and that God never does anything for a single reason. But I think I know some of the answer to that question now, although the greater part of it goes unanswered.

This is the first time in recent memory that I've spent longer the four or five months in the same place, associating with the same people. In fact, at this point it's almost been twice that amount of time. And so, I think for the first time in a long time, I've learned something new about myself. Or rather, somethings. Putting yourself in a lot of new or different situations will teach you a lot about yourself, but I think I'd forgotten that remaining in the same place or situation for a while will also teach you about yourself. It's been awhile since I've had relationships with people that I didn't leave after just a few months. Being in the same place with the same people has given me the opportunity to examine myself in this context in a little more depth. Actually, I should be more accurate: it's not that I've learned anything really new about myself, per se, but that I've learned more about how those things are interconnected. I've (I think) come to see a little more clearly the whys of certain things, and how one thing influences another so that x result comes out. And it's never just one or two things. People - and especially their motivations and actions - are seriously complicated things.

To be honest, I'm not so happy with what I've discovered. But then, I've always been the type not to see the good in something for staring at its flaws, and that includes myself. Especially myself. It's like being unable to see the beauty of the whole forest for mourning over a few dead or dying trees. Or, when you finally do look around you, bemoaning that even the healthy, beautiful trees have their flaws. Of course they do. Nothing on this planet - human, animal, vegetable, mineral, or otherwise - is perfect, and expecting anything to be perfect will only result in disappointment. I think I've done a good job at embracing this in other people, but as of yet I struggle with allowing myself to make mistakes - to be human, in other words. Am I ever going to be perfectly patient? Not in this life. Perfectly understanding? Nope, not that either. Nor will I ever be perfectly honest or perfectly nice or perfectly full of love. But it's one thing to tell yourself that and know it intellectually, and quite another to forgive yourself and move on and let those imperfections and mistakes go. The gap between knowledge and true understanding can only be bridged with help, and no ordinary mortal help, at that. And is true with anything involving the divine and changes of human nature, that takes time and patience and a lot of work.

Half the Sky

Photo can be found here

A friend of mine is spending the summer in Uganda. She just posted this post about the thing she's found the hardest about being in Uganda. The whole post is very thought-provoking and interesting, but I'll just quote a little bit here:

"I may be in Africa right now, but still there is a separation between me and these people, as tangible as the glass pane separating me and these little boys.  It’s a weird feeling.  I wonder how long it takes in Africa to stop feeling like a philanthropic tourist.  I’ve wondered a lot since being here if I love Africa for the right reasons.  Or better, do I want to make changes in Africa for the right reasons?  There are over 8,000 NGOs registered in Uganda all trying to make a difference, some for the right reasons, some for other reasons.  It’s easy to get overwhelmed by the enormity of development here.  It’s different than I thought it would be.  It’s messy and disorganized and sometimes (often) ineffective.  I believe in it though.  And I believe that the sooner we’re on the same side of the glass the better it will be."

I just finished the book Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide yesterday. (I wrote a little about this before here, before the book came out. The authors had released excerpts as articles in the New York Times.) It's a sobering read, but a very eye-opening one as well. We, as humans, have a tendency to block out the uncomfortable things about life and the human existence. I find this tendency to be much stronger in America; the majority of us tend to turn cringing away from the homeless man on the streets of our own town, let alone from the suffering of millions in other countries. Safe in our little bubble of (tenuous and fragile) prosperity, we don't really want to spend a lot of time contemplating the plight of the uneducated, abused, malnourished, and impoverished "other" people that live all over the world. People that don't even have a real floor or running water, let alone the latest iPod or the newest smartphone.

And then, when we do finally look outside of our carefully constructed bubble world, we go into these people's countries and cultures and try to "solve the problem" with no reference to their situations within that culture. Which doesn't really solve anything and just takes a lot of money to achieve (usually) very minimal results. And so, for the last few days I've been thinking about that, and my friend's post just helped me articulate some of my thoughts. The authors of Half the Sky make the point that the kind of aid that countries like Uganda and Sudan, Pakistan and Afghanistan, etc really need is the grassroots kind - that is, locals helping locals, funded by foreigners when the locals don't have the resources. Reading Half the Sky has really gotten me thinking about how we're supposed to fulfill the commandment the Savior gave us when He said we need to love our neighbors as ourselves. Obviously, we need to spread the gospel, and obviously it's the only thing that's really going to fix the problems in this world; everything else is just some form of a stopgap measure, when you get right down to it, or treating the symptoms instead of the actual disease, if you will. But on the other hand, the Church (or its members) can't just waltz into places and start teaching the people and telling everyone to clean up their act without so much as a by-your-leave, and some kind of action must be taken in the interim. The question is, what is most effective? And how can I be part of the solution instead of part of the problem?

That's what I've been pondering. And no solution has readily presented itself. That's the thing about problems that confront half the population of the world - there are no easy solutions.

Things As They Are

Photo can be found here

 Recently I have been pondering on things as they are: our justice system, our food, our cars, our school systems, even the music industry. And though it isn't very profound, it's been occurring to me, over and over, that just because things are as they are right now, doesn't mean that they should be that way. We punish criminals in this society by sending them to jail. Our cars run on gasoline. We HAVE cars, as opposed to any other form of transportation. We eat flour as our primary staple. We send our kids to school starting when they're five and teach them in a certain way, expecting them to stay in school for the majority of their youth.

It's true enough that things as they are work well enough for the majority the majority of the time. But if there's one thing that SJC taught me, it's to question your underlying assumptions. And what I see is the penal system failing to actually improve the lives of those who are sent through it, pollution from all the millions of personal cars and a lack of adequate public transportation, rising education costs and fewer returns on the investment of so much time and money. I see a culture getting increasingly top-heavy, bloated, and stagnating. To my eyes, Americans have little experience with things as they are for other people and other cultures, and so are touting their own status quo loud and long as "the way things should be". And really, "things as they are" is really only "things as I see them from my point of view", since none of us are capable of seeing all the facets, nuances, and variations of life.

Not that I'm advocating radical social change here. I'm just voicing what's been rattling around in my head lately, and maybe suggesting that you take a little time yourself to contemplate what things you're doing in your life just because "it's always been that way" or "we've always done it that way". Tradition and habit are not sufficient reasons for doing anything; there should be thoughtful meaning and purpose in everything you undertake. So get out this week and maybe drive to work or the grocery store along another route and take the opportunity to see things from a different perspective.

Quote can be found here

Nothing and Too Much to Say

CN Blue - 사랑빛 (Lovelight)

Have you ever thought too much? I liken the feeling to trying to untangle a ball of yarn. The more you try to straighten everything out, the more tangled and complicated it all gets until you just want to hurl the whole mess as far away from you as you possibly can. The upshot of the whole thing is that even though I have so much on my mind, I really have nothing to say. Only old problems getting hashed and rehashed in my head until I just want to cover my ears, jump up and down, and scream. Unfortunately, that's not very productive. It doesn't accomplish much at all. Or anything, for that matter.

Recently I've been wondering why I'm here in Logan. Academically, obviously I'm here to finish school (finally!), but the thing about life is there's never just one reason for anything. Take SJC for example. Ostensibly I went to Annapolis to fulfill a dream I'd had since high school of attending St. John's. But I think the real reason I went there was to have the experiences I needed to decide to go on a mission, which was an important part of my development and growth as a person. And of course I met many wonderful people who have influenced me in many positive ways. Not to mention I gained a unique kind of education that I couldn't have gotten anywhere else or in any other way. And I fell in love with the East Coast and its sense of history. I learned a lot from my years in Annapolis. So...why am I here at USU? What am I supposed to be learning from this experience? Maybe it's too early to tell. After all, I didn't move to Annapolis expecting any of the outcomes that actually arose. Maybe my problem is that I moved here with certain expectations and those things haven't happened. I thought I was coming here for one reason and maybe that's not the reason at all. But then, what is it? I wish I knew. 

"For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened."

Picture here

Lately I've been feeling rather sorry for myself that I don't have any friends here at USU. I think it came to a peak this last Sunday morning. I'd made some not-so-good choices Saturday night (stayed up waaaaay too late), and when I'd gotten up to take my grandparents to church (their's is at 9 am and mine's at 12:45 pm), my grandfather refused to get ready in his passive-aggressive way and my grandma said her hair wasn't done so she would only go to Relief Society. So I stomped back down to my room in a temper to watch a Taiwanese melodrama that made me feel even worse because everyone was making themselves miserable through bad choices and miscommunication (such is the melodrama genre). I got ready and was headed out to church only to find that my grandpa was finally ready and determined to go to church. I tried telling him that church was over, but I think the dementia has taken away a lot of his logic and reasoning abilities, and I just couldn't convince him to stay home and wait for my grandmother, so I dropped him off on my way and hoped my grandma would find him (otherwise he would have walked down to the church himself).

Anyway, that morning as I was reluctantly pulling myself out of bed, I'd sent up a little prayer that someone would notice me at church. I wish I could be more outgoing and just integrate myself, and I have been trying, but it's not something I'm really good at. So I sat there as Relief Society was about to start, with an empty chair on either side of me, feeling sorry for myself. The lesson was definitely one I needed to hear, on Elder Scott's talk from October's conference, about building character. In it, I made a comment and said something about my mission, as did a few others. Well, at the end of the lesson, the girl sitting in front and to the left of me turned right around with a bright smile on her face and asked, "Hi! What's your name? Where did you serve, again?" My goodness. It felt like sunshine had flooded into my gloomy soul, and the first thing I thought was, "Thank you, God, for hearing my prayer."

Strangely enough, it turns out that this girl had also served a mission, but not just that -- she'd served in Hong Kong with my brother, and her last name was Sanders! I'd even heard of her before, since my brother had written to us one time about the Sister Sanders people kept asking him if he was related to. The conversation was short and she moved on to her friends almost right after that, but it made such a huge difference in my mood that day. It's amazing how such small things can make such big changes in our lives. I know it didn't mean much - or anything - to her, but it literally was an answer to a very desperate prayer of mine.

And that's not even the end! This morning when I woke up I asked the Lord to help me reach out to others and for others to reach out to me so I wouldn't feel so lonely at school. In my first class, a girl presenting remembered me by name and asked me to read something for her. Before my second class, I saw my cousin coming out of the classroom and got to say hi to him. As I was chatting before class with the one person I've managed to have more than three conversations with and add on Facebook, she invited me to a flapjack party at her boyfriend's apartment this Friday. Going out of that class, I saw my other cousin (his older brother) and got to say hi to him, too. Not five minutes later, on my way to my next class, I saw one of the three missionaries from my mission at USU and got to chat with him for a few minutes. Before today, the most interaction with other people I'd had on campus amounted to running across one of the other missionaries I served with and saying hi on our way to class. Coincidence that today should suddenly be so different? I doubt it.

I've had so many similar experiences with prayer -- lost things were found expeditiously, answers and guidance came, blessings were received, peace was granted, burdens were lifted. Truly, I know that if we but ask, we will receive; if we knock it will be opened to us (see Matt. 7:7-11). I love what the Bible Dictionary entry about prayer says: "As soon as we learn the true relationship in which we stand toward God (namely, God is our Father, and we are his children), then at once prayer becomes natural and instinctive on our part (Matt. 7:7–11). Many of the so-called difficulties about prayer arise from forgetting this relationship. Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work, and is an appointed means for obtaining the highest of all blessings" (emphasis added).

Prayer is one of the most precious gifts God has given us, and it is sadly underutilized by His children -- myself included. I hope that each of us can be more diligent in using this precious gift we've been given, for ourselves and in behalf of others.

"For when I am weak, then am I strong"

2 Corinthians 12:10

I would have to say that my mood recently would be more qualified classified as "brooding" (and not in a poetic sense) than anything else. I have a bad tendency to think too much about certain things, say for instance, my inadequacies or my failings. Or both. I'm an equal-opportunity brooder. But as the term "brood" implies, this habit of mine is neither constructive or productive. I may wallow in my weaknesses, but I never seem to get around to doing anything about them. I'm impatient, intolerant, sarcastic, and skeptical on occasion. I talk too much, too strongly. I hurt people's feelings, sometimes without even trying. I'm lazy and unmotivated. My priorities are messed up. You notice all these are still in the present tense.

Weaknesses aren't comfortable things. I don't think the Lord intended them to be. The fact is that weaknesses, shortcomings, and failings -- all those things that drive ourselves and others crazy -- as uncomfortable as they are, are an integral part of the human experiences. A vital part of the human experience. As in, we couldn't be human without them. We couldn't serve our purpose in life without them. We couldn't become more than we are without them. If we let them, they will teach us more than any number of strengths ever could. And not only us, but others as well. We will reach and touch people through our weaknesses that we never could through our strengths, whether those weaknesses be physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. They have a purpose.

I learned this lesson while serving on the mission, but I think over the last year and half since I've been home I've forgotten it. I've let my weaknesses take over me, instead of learning from them -- and the struggles to overcome them -- to become a better, stronger person. We will always have weaknesses, it's true; they will always serve a valuable purpose, it's true; but we cannot allow them to consume and rule us. The way we learn from weakness is by humbling ourselves and turning to God for helping in overcoming them, not by succumbing to them.