In Honor of the Day

A few songs that describe my current relationship status in honor of Valentine's Day:

I Can Feel It Coming in the Air

In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins has been a favorite for a long time. There are a lot of reasons -- it's so singable, and the tune is so memorable, and maybe I heard it a lot growing up. 

Have you ever had that experience, when you knew something was going to happen? You're not sure when or what or why or how, but you know something's coming and it's going to change things -- if not everything? Maybe I'm biased because of Phil Collins, but it does feel almost like a change in the air. A strange feeling all along the skin, especially on my back and the back of my upper arms. I've been feeling that feeling, off and on and growing stronger, since November. 

The feeling has been so strong that it's forced me to think about some things. It's made me want to examine why things are the way they are in my life. I feel like things are changing, and I wanted something tangible to reflect that. I do a lot of things because I've always done them; I'm a creature of habit. That being said, looking back over the last year, I can see how I started subtlely changing even before this. I started wearing makeup regularly. I started trying to dress more like a graduate student. I bought new bedding. Last Saturday I went to Joann's, bought some gold craft paint, and painted a whole bunch of things gold. (Ever since I can remember I've been a staunch silver person, but in the last few months my taste began to change. I've finally realized that gold looks better with my skintone than silver does.) This last week I took off a bracelet (really a necklace wrapped around my wrist three times) I've been wearing since my sophomore year of high school. I bought a new CTR ring and tucked away my Korean one from my mission. Most seriously of all, I've actually, seriously considered putting away my comfort blanket for good. (That's still too big of a step, it seems. Maybe in a few more months.)

I'm not sure what is going to happen. Why I feel this way. Why I feel like I need to start making small changes right now (I'm still getting used to them). There are some other changes happening in my life, but I don't think now is the time to share them. I'll share when a few things have settled and I have more to report than vague, strange, and somewhat unsettling feelings. But I think the general consensus among all the various parts of my brain is that, while unsettling, yes, these changes feel good. Right. Like I'm more grounded and less anxious about where I'm going and how I'm going to get there. Let's hope this trend continues.

Mannheim Steamroller = Christmastime

Where Am I?

On Repeat

K.will - 이러지마 제발 (Please Don't)

박지윤 (Park Ji-yoon) - 나무가 되는 꿈 (Tree of Life)

Ailee - Heaven

B1A4 - 걸어 본다 (Tried to Walk)

Hello, 2013

Do you remember when the US Mint started issuing the states quarters, way back in 1999? Like probably most every other family in the US with kids, our family started collecting them, albeit a little late -- maybe late 2000 or 2001. I remember my mom bought a case-book-thingy for each of us to keep ours in. I remember sitting on my bed in the attic of our house in Tennessee and looking at the slots for the year 2009 when the series would be complete and thinking it was so far away.

Oh, Time, how fast you fly! It's now been more than ten years since I was sitting on that bed, four years past so-far-away 2009. Just the other day while I was home for Christmas, my barely-8-year-old little brother announced, "People born in 2000 are old." My parents and I were sitting in the same room engaged in various other activities, and we all just laughed and laughed. But the evidence that the people around me are starting to be old is mounting. Both my grandfathers died in 2011. Neither of my grandmothers are as hale as they used to be, and both are facing ever-increasing health concerns. My father's beard has much more "salt" in it than it used to, and both he and my mother are a little more creaky than I remember. I have four younger brothers, but only the youngest can properly be called my "little" brother, and my youngest sister will probably stop being my "littlest" sister in just a few years. Craziest of all is that in just a few weeks my parents will be transformed into grandparents and my sister -- my baby sister, the one who is still always just barely 14 in my head -- will have a daughter.

Tomorrow marks two years since I moved to Utah, and that fact sets my head reeling, just a little bit. It seems impossible that it could have been that long. It seems like not too long ago that I anxiously prepared for my first day of "normal" college in more than four years, worried that somehow I wouldn't do very well or have problems adjusting. Now, two years later, I smile a little at my anxious past-self. I wish I could tell her she'd be fine, that she'd fall right back into the rhythm of class-homework-quiz-presentation-paper-test. I also wish I could tell her to start thinking beyond her all-consuming goal of just graduating and getting her undergraduate over with, and spend a little more time (seriously) planning for the future and discovering what exactly it is she wants out of life.

Which brings me to the cliched part of this post.

Ah, resolutions. They have such a bad rap, for an admittedly deserved reason: we're almost universally horrible at keeping them. We set lofty goals and then fall off the wagon by mid February. Sometimes we make it to March if we're diligent. I've been pondering off and on over the last few weeks how best to approach making the changes I want to make in my life. I've read a couple of great posts from some good friends (Autumn here and Kelsey here are lovely examples) that have inspired me to try approaching making resolutions from a different angle than I would normally. I've sat down and tried to work through things logically, attempting to hew to the wisdom that you need written goals broken down into manageable, accomplishable steps to actually change. I've tried just spontaneously writing down whatever came to me. The problem is that there are just too many darn things I'd like to change in my life.

I want to learn to enjoy cooking. I want to be more active and eat healthier. I want to improve my mind and learn new things. I want to take up new hobbies like photography and rock climbing. I want to be a  kinder person. A more organized person. A more financially responsible person. A more-fluently-Korean-speaking person. A better dressed person. A person who does her hair in more ways than just a ponytail. A person who can shower in less than half an hour. And I'd really like to finally not be the person that becomes paralyzed and gives up on any change in the face of feeling overwhelmed by all the things she thinks she needs to change.

Really, how do you choose only a few things to resolution-ize in that long and not-comprehensive list? Not to mention the discouraging reality that making permanent changes in our lives and habits takes an incredible amount of energy, time, and patience. It's almost enough to resign yourself to being a hoodie-and-jeans-wearing, ponytail-sporting, longer-than-20-minutes-showering, often-sarcastic person for the rest of your life. (At least if you're me.) Almost.

Honestly, I'll probably never really learn to shower in less than 30 minutes. I'll probably always prefer wearing a hoodie and jeans to wearing a blouse and skirt. I might never learn to French braid my own hair and wear a ponytail every day for the rest of my life. I might always have to grit my teeth a little when the time to make dinner rolls around each day. Thus I have decided to not resolution-ize any of those things -- not because I'm likely to fail, but because I see a larger theme in what I want in life.

My resolution -- or goal, if you'd rather -- for 2013 is to love myself. To forgive myself. To respect myself. To be kind to myself. To be understanding with myself when I make mistakes, and to encourage myself to do better next time. To rejoice with myself when I do succeed, even if the success is small. To not undermine myself and set myself up to fail. I want to be friends with myself, and to enjoy spending time with myself. After all, the one person you're stuck with the rest of your life is yourself, and if you're not particularly fond of yourself it won't be a very fun or rewarding rest of your life.

Of course, that's a pretty broad goal. To be honest, I'm not even sure how to go about tackling it. Any ideas or suggestions would be welcome, particularly if they're things you've discovered working in your own life. Right now I think I need to start with establishing good habits in place of old, entrenched bad ones: going to bed on time, waking up early to pray and read my scriptures daily, being more active, and eating more regularly and better. Not all at once, but one decision at a time. It's overwhelming to think about overhauling your entire life all at once, but deciding to make one good choice at a time, independent of past or future failures -- that I can do.

Skyfall

I went and saw Skyfall this afternoon. And it was awesome. I think Casino Royale has a better story, but Skyfall is definitely more epic (we won't worry about that other movie). The cinematography was fantastic, and I loved the lighting, too. Plus I enjoy how Daniel Craig plays Bond - much more restrained and dryly humorous than any of the previous actors. Not quite so smarmy as Pierce Brosnon (but I'll always love him nonetheless), but still suave. I thought the opening credits were fantastic, and the titular title track [is that redundant?] was an instant hit with me.

All in all, it might be a movie I have to see twice in theaters. Yes, it will come out on DVD and still be awesome...but not as awesome as seeing Daniel Craig's face five or six times as tall as a man on the big screen.

We interrupt your Friday evening for an important news flash...

So every once in a while I get on a kick. An obsession kick. Where I listen/watch/eat/read one thing over and over and over again. These last few days it's been SHINee, specifically their latest music video (see above - sorry, no English subs, since I couldn't find any good ones). It's called Sherlock. But it's catchy. And SHINee always has great choreography. When I watch their MVs I almost want to stop being lazy and ignore my abject fear of looking stupid and learn to dance like that.

Blah Blah Blah

Hello, world. How are you today?

I just recently discovered the easiness of Dropbox for myself. Goodness, why did I ever email anything to anyone? It's so nice to be able to give someone a file without worrying about attachment limits on emails. I know, I know. I'm soooo behind the times (my little brother in middle school had a Dropbox account before I did).

In other news, there's a wasps' nest in the chimney of our bathroom fan. Me + wasps = not happy me. I was stung once (at least, I'm pretty sure it was a wasp - it stung my back and I didn't see it, so I can't be 100% sure), which was not my favorite experience. I'm thinking about making my brother come over and take care of it. Someone suggested that wasn't very feminist of me, but I'm secure in my equality. I have no need to prove it by killing spiders or mowing lawns or getting rid of wasps' nests. I'll gladly trade doing laundry for any of those things.

In other other news, I'm applying for a job in USU's Office of Admissions, where I'd mostly be reviewing applications and helping out students and faculty and doing general office work. I'm okay with that. It seems that Logan is the place for me right now, as much I might wish otherwise at the moment. I honestly thought I'd move on quickly after graduating, but it's not working out that way. It's not that I hate Logan, I was just planning on living somewhere a little bigger and not cut off from the rest of the world by a canyon that's dangerous to drive through in the winter. Plus, I'm dying to travel the world. I guess that'll have to wait. Anyway, I've been spending an inordinate amount of my life the last few days working on my resume and cover letter for this application. I want to get this job. Not just because I'm weary of looking for one, but because I've literally grown up on college campuses and I genuinely the atmosphere. And I am passionate about learning and I believe in higher education. It's nice to be able to get behind what you do; in fact, I think it rather necessary. So here's hoping my time and prayers will bring me the result I think I want!

Since I'm on a bit of a Feist kick at the moment, have another song.

July Already?

A good description of how I feel these days. Plus, I just love Mute Math, 'cause they're awesome.

Is 2012 really, truly already halfway over?

I wish I had some interesting/significant news to share with you, but the truth is life is pretty much the same old same old. I'm still in Logan, still living with a friend and her family, still hunting for a full-time "grown up" job, still looking for a small house to rent with a friend.

I had a fun 4th of July holiday, though. I went to watch the fireworks with my Grandma Willis at her retirement community on the evening of the 3rd. (Logan has its fireworks on the 3rd, since the company who does our show also does the Stadium of Fire on the 4th.) I was getting all excited about the fireworks, clapping and cheering when they started. The residents all gave me strange looks. But isn't that what you're supposed to do when you watch fireworks? It seems boring to just sit there. Nevertheless, we had a good time even if it wasn't overly enthusiastic.

On the morning of the 4th I got a call from my little brother Stephen, who had just gotten back home from Paris (you know, the France one, not the Idaho or Tennessee one) early that morning. We decided to get some pizza for lunch and then go watch The Amazing Spider-Man in 3D together. It was his first 3D movie, and we had a blast and enjoyed the movie immensely. It was very well written and very well executed, and I'm a big fan of Andrew Garfield's portrayal of Peter Parker. (Not to mention he's pretty hot. It's shallow, but I own up to my shallowness.) We spent the rest of the afternoon lazing around his apartment. Rather, I spent the rest of the afternoon lazing while Stephen put away his groceries and did some unpacking. We had an interesting discussion about faith and reason, then headed out to meet our Grandma Saunders and our cousin Doug for Happy-Birthday-America celebratory ice cream at Charlie's, a local ice cream parlor that sells ice cream made right here in Cache Valley. Then we went back to Stephen's apartment and lit our $2 sparklers. (Just in case you were wondering...they were seriously lame. Probably we should have shelled out a little more than $2.) All in all it was a relaxing, fun holiday. It was great to see Stephen again. Who knew you could miss a little brother so much??

Listen to This

I've never heard of this group Feist before, but I heard this song in a show I watched and I really liked this song.

 Feist - Caught a Long Wind

The Blues

"The Blues" by Switchfoot

I have a talent for wallowing in self-pity. I'm not totally sure if this little character quirk is a factory default, or if it's one of the bugs I've acquired sometime in the last quarter-century of life. In any case, it's mine to deal with now, and I've noticed I'm all too prone to it. Mopiness is something of an automatic reaction to difficulties in my life. It's as if, when the little avatar in your Nintendo game runs into a brick wall, it sits down and pouts rather than backing up and trying to find a way over, around, under, or through it.

At various times in my life I've handled it better than others. I usually do best when I have a clear goal in mind--a reason to scale that brick wall, if you will. But all too often I find myself (metaphorically, of course) sitting at its base, depressed about how I can't get over it. This point in my life is the latter. For the first time in my life I find myself without a clear goal or milestone toward which to work. I'm out of high school (thank heavens), I moved out of the house, been on a mission, finally finished college--now what? Obviously, the two big choices are a career and marriage. I can't make the second happen all on my own (something about other people having agency or some such crazy notion), and I'm surprisingly unsure about the first.

"All Blues" by Miles Davis

After moving past the "I want to be a ballerina! An astronaut! Robin Hood! The President of the United States! A movie director!" stage, I finally settled on one day becoming a college professor. Thanks to my father's career, my family has always lived in a college town, and I love the atmosphere of education and learning that imbues them. My family went to museums and libraries the same way other kids went to sports games and amusement parks. (Literally. Never once did my family go to an amusement park; I remember we went to a water park once, though, when I was five or so. But we went to plenty of museums and galleries and art fairs and libraries.) I'm confident I still want to live in such an environment, and perhaps one day it would be lovely to teach at a university, but I can't really see myself doing the five or six or eight more years of school necessary to get a degree and be qualified to teach. At least not right now. Plus, your chances of being hired fresh out of your Ph.D. program at the moment are dismal.

There are a few things I am confident about. First, I want to help people. Not necessarily large groups of people; I think I work best and feel most fulfilled when I work with people in small groups or one-on-one. I also would like to work with people who need opportunities, or opportunities to take advantage of opportunities. My experience in Korea and my studies have helped me see that I have the desire and perhaps the skills to work with immigrants and refugees, a group of people who definitely fall under the "people who need opportunities" heading. Second, I'm not too worried about making scads of money, which is lucky for me. I don't think working with immigrants and refugees will make you big bucks. What I really want out of a career is personal fulfillment. I've worked jobs just to make money, and almost always I was miserable. I don't need to be rich, I just need to eat, have a place to sleep, be able to do a few fun things, keep clothes on my back, and be able to pay off my student loans. Third, I'm pretty sure I want to somehow be able to use my Korean language skills and cultural experience at some point. I didn't spend all that time and shed all those tears learning Korean just to watch Korean dramas and rock out to Kpop. Lastly, I'd like to go into a field or at least develop skills that will allow me to eventually become a full-time mother, while also allowing me to still contribute and serve.

"Rhapsody in Blue" by George Gershwin

So you can see that my problem and my opportunity are exactly the same thing: a very broad idea of what I want to do with my life. It affords me an incredible amount of flexibility to pursue whatever might present itself, but at the same time it's so broad that trying to decide which direction to go feels rather like trying to drink out of a fire hydrant. There's lot of water to slake your thirst, sure, but it knocks you flat on your back in the process and not that much water ends up in your mouth, anyway. (Disclaimer: I have never actually attempted drinking from a fire hydrant, that's just what I imagine would happen if you did try.)

Back to the "wallowing in self-pity" thing. Being the Type A person that I am, I'm more prone to see my situation as a problem than as an opportunity. That part of me demands I find the "perfect" opportunity that will meet all my wants and needs and set me up for life. The realistic part of me rolls its eyes at the Type A part of me and sarcastically remarks that that's a load of bull and totally impossible in the bargain. That just makes the Type A part of me curl up in a metaphorical corner of my mind and start whimpering. This is about the time I start the "woe is me" song and dance. Then the self doubt part of me gets in on the party and starts a whole refrain about how I haven't really done anything and don't have a lot of experience and why would anyone want to hire me (etc, etc, ad infinitum)? By this time, just to get away from all the arguing and the massive pity party going on in my head, I've decided to give into another of my vices, procrastination, and deal with it "later" by going to watch a TV show or a kdrama. Thus dooming myself to a repeat performance sometime down the line, without ever solving anything.

"Blue" by Big Bang

I realize that some of you (if you've made it this far) are asking yourselves, "What is this woman's problem? Stop whining and just do something already!" Trust me, you're not thinking anything I haven't already thought myself, many times over. But just like you don't understand why I don't just "do something", I don't understand why some people can never remember when to use fewer instead of less. My point is, we all have our own struggles. I'm not debating that I should get out and do something--I'm really working on it. I'm working on not wallowing in self pity. I'm working on seeing things in a positive light and taking steps to do something. What I'm saying is overcoming this part of me is a real challenge in my life, just like trying to control your chocolate cravings or your swearing habit is a challenge in yours. It's not going to change overnight. Maybe not even in a few years. Maybe it'll take my whole lifetime, and I'll still struggle with it when I'm eighty. (I really, really hope not.) But I'm resolving to do better, from this point on.

Set Fire to the Rain

I was pretty late climbing on the Adele bandwagon, having only discovered her this last semester. (On a sidenote, I wonder how long it's going to take me to stop counting time in semesters. It took me a long time to stop referring to "transfers" after I got home from the mission.) This is my favorite song off her 21 album. I don't relate to the lyrics, and I'm not completely sure what she means by "set fire to the rain". I just know I love the evocative image the words create, and I'm totally in love with the music of the song.

Jane Eyre

Growing up, Jane Eyre was one of my favorite books. I don't remember how old I was when I first read it; probably about 12 or 13, since I was a voracious reader at that point. I read my mother's copy, one that was probably much older than I was. It had a dark pink cover and a painting of Jane running away from Thornfield Hall on the front. It's probably out of print now; anyway, I can't seem to find a picture of it online.

I saw the new movie with Mia Wasikowska as Jane and Michael Fassbender as Mr. Rochester over break, but I've been wanting to watch it again. I picked it up at the library when I was there the other day and rewatching it has confirmed that I'm pretty much in love with it. I loved Mia Wasikowska as Jane, and the soundtrack by Dario Martinelli (the same man who scored Pride and Prejudice with Kiera Knightley and Matthew Macfadyen) is superb. The track above is one of my favorites off the soundtrack. I think it suits the tone of the book exactly, capturing Jane's intelligence, passion, and restraint all at the same time, as well as her frustration at being trapped by her role as a women at her level of society.

Jane Eyre and Elizabeth Bennett and Anne Shirley were the heroines of my childhood, and still are today. There are many film adaptations of each of these women, but I hope that my girls - and maybe even my boys - will get to know them as I did, curled up on the couch with a book.

A Few Musings on Beauty

As if anyone needs a reminder how genius John Williams is. The Memoirs of a Geisha soundtrack is one of the most beautiful I've ever heard in my entire life. Of course, it doesn't hurt that Yo-Yo Ma and Itzhak Perlman, arguably two of the greatest musicians alive, are playing the solo cello and solo violin parts. 

The whole concept of beauty is one that has fascinated me since I can remember. It's one of those things like justice we all agree exists, but we all have such different opinions about what actually constitutes it.  We say music is beautiful, we say people are beautiful, we say a view is beautiful. Why don't we have different words for objects and people and views? Socrates theorized about the Forms, the perfect embodiment of a virtue that exists in another place, of which everything that has that virtue here partakes. So the Japanese vase and the English countryside and the African woman all partake of the Form of Beauty - somehow. 

As with most things Socrates, I don't know if I buy that, but it's an interesting idea. 

I suppose the boring, "correct" answer is that we're conditioned to it based on our cultural norms and values and world views, etc, etc. But those don't spring from nowhere, so from where do they come? And is beauty truly a virtue to be sought after, or just something nice to look at and we're all wasting our time trying to pin it down? Why is one thing "beautiful" but another isn't? Why can ten people look at the exact same thing and come up with ten different answers to the questions, "Is it beautiful? Why?" Why does beauty even matter to us at all? Is beauty strictly a mortal matter, or does it exist (and matter) in the eternal scheme of things?

Good questions. Can't say I have the answers.

The Zombie Song

I feel like everyone needs to see this, because it's genius. 

Chapstick, Chapped Lips, and Things Like Chemistry

Not That Today Was A Rainy Day At All

비오는 날 (Rainy Day) by 김사랑 (Kim Sarang)

I love this song. I don't know that I've ever even listened to the lyrics, I just love the sound of his voice singing, the simple guitar accompaniment in the beginning, and the mellow, flowing melody. It captures perfectly the feel of a rainy day for me. And there's something about that first breath he takes before he starts singing, and every other intake of breath we hear throughout the track, that makes me love this song. Usually you don't get to hear the genesis of a song, but I think it's a good reminder that there are two sides to everything, and that we cannot just give continuously, but need to pause every once in a while to be refreshed.

Pink Martini - Aspettami

Nothing and Too Much to Say

CN Blue - 사랑빛 (Lovelight)

Have you ever thought too much? I liken the feeling to trying to untangle a ball of yarn. The more you try to straighten everything out, the more tangled and complicated it all gets until you just want to hurl the whole mess as far away from you as you possibly can. The upshot of the whole thing is that even though I have so much on my mind, I really have nothing to say. Only old problems getting hashed and rehashed in my head until I just want to cover my ears, jump up and down, and scream. Unfortunately, that's not very productive. It doesn't accomplish much at all. Or anything, for that matter.

Recently I've been wondering why I'm here in Logan. Academically, obviously I'm here to finish school (finally!), but the thing about life is there's never just one reason for anything. Take SJC for example. Ostensibly I went to Annapolis to fulfill a dream I'd had since high school of attending St. John's. But I think the real reason I went there was to have the experiences I needed to decide to go on a mission, which was an important part of my development and growth as a person. And of course I met many wonderful people who have influenced me in many positive ways. Not to mention I gained a unique kind of education that I couldn't have gotten anywhere else or in any other way. And I fell in love with the East Coast and its sense of history. I learned a lot from my years in Annapolis. So...why am I here at USU? What am I supposed to be learning from this experience? Maybe it's too early to tell. After all, I didn't move to Annapolis expecting any of the outcomes that actually arose. Maybe my problem is that I moved here with certain expectations and those things haven't happened. I thought I was coming here for one reason and maybe that's not the reason at all. But then, what is it? I wish I knew.