Life Is So Confusing

The predominant emotion of the last few weeks of my life has been homesickness. That's right. I, a 25-year-old college graduate who hasn't lived at home for 6+ years, am homesick. I haven't felt this homesick in ages, actually. Not for this long, anyway. I get flashes all the time, of course, because I love my family and I'm missing most of the significant events in the lives of my youngest four siblings. But I'm usually busy and/or productive (they're not necessarily synonymous) and thus distracted.

I think the homesickness is the product of two other intense emotions in my life: confusion and frustration. And all that boils down to the real fact that I have no idea what the heck is going on in my life. It's not a comfortable feeling. (This is hardly the first time I've brought this up, so it's not a surprise to any of you, I'm sure.) I feel useless, under-qualified, scared, clueless, and confused.

I've finally had it (very painfully) brought home to me in the last few months just how thoroughly I threw myself under the bus when I moved here. (Metaphorically speaking, of course.) I allowed my fears, insecurities, and circumstances to keep me from getting a job and getting involved the way I should have. As a result, here I am without a car, without many connections, without solid job prospects, and without any savings to speak of. That makes doing much of anything difficult. Especially most of the things I'd actually like to do, like go to Korea, move back to the East Coast, or even just get out of Logan. I should take a lesson from this and get my butt in gear on this whole "finding gainful employment" thing.

I'm hoping that sometime in the next little while I'll figure out why I felt that I need to be in the place that I am - here in Logan, I mean. I wanted to move to SLC after my job ended a few weeks ago and I had to be out of my old place. To be honest, there are probably a lot more opportunities in areas I'd like to work in (not to mention better public transportation, even if it is more expensive than Logan's (which is free)), in SLC. I like Logan, but I've been craving city life recently, and if I can't live in Seoul or NYC or the DC area like I'd like to, by golly I want to live in SLC.