All That In Such A Small Space?

I've been thinking a lot recently about what I want. Lately my head has been such a mess that it's been driving me crazy, thinking about what people are thinking about me not having a job yet and not having found a place to live next semester yet, etc, etc, ad infinitum. Sometimes I wonder if they think I'm just being lazy for the heck of it, "freeloading" off my grandparents, like my grandpa sometimes accuses me of doing. It boggles my mind to think that some people really think I enjoy being like this, or that I don't know just how much of a loser I'm being, and so feel compelled to point it out to me. Trust me, I am infinitely more intimately acquainted with the situation than anyone else. Except maybe God. But anyway.

So, I've been thinking about what I want. The thing is...I'm not sure what that is. I have long term goals - I want to have a family, I want to live in Korea, I want to help the people of the world somehow - but the problem is, I don't have short-term goals to act as stepping stones to get to those long term goals. I don't know what to do. I don't know where I'm heading, exactly. Honestly, beyond the desire to have a family, I don't really have any other specific goals at all, really.

Thinking about all this has been making my head spin around and around until it literally gives me a headache. One morning I was in the shower, and I started thinking about all the things I've been pondering the last month or so: getting a job, paying for school, paying off my loans, finding a place to live, my relationship with my grandparents, my complete lack of any romantic relationships (ever in my life), domestic politics, international politics, feeling almost guilty about being full when millions of people are starving, using running water so casually when millions don't even have it, various and sundry character flaws, graduate school, taking the GRE, studying for the GRE, whether or not I should go to Korea and work a year before starting graduate school, contemplating what the heck I'm going to do with my life...etc. After a half-hour+ of this (I take long showers), I was ready to scream and desperate to find a way to just SHUT IT OFF already. I told a friend once that I felt like all my worries were roped together, and every time I started trying to think about one in an effort to find a solution, it gave the whole string a tug and everything came crashing into my brain all at once. It's enough to make one go insane.

I think I could handle all of this a little better if it wasn't for the fact that in the last year my entire life has totally changed. I moved all the way across the country into a very different cultural setting, left behind all my friends and my comfort zone, radically changed my educational environment and my expectations for my future, and live in an environment fraught with emotional pitfalls and guilt trips. My response to it all hasn't really done a lot to make me love and admire myself, which in turns feeds the cycle of think-get overwhelmed-avoid-reap the consequences-self loathe-repeat. And yet, I don't think much of all of that shows on the surface, except for maybe as it manifests as a bad attitude, increased touchiness and sensitivity, and an increased penchant for snapping at people and using hurtful sarcasm.

I need to find my iPod and start running again. Maybe that will help me sort out my head a bit and give me a little motivation to be up and doing. Only, I haven't seen my iPod in two weeks...I hope it didn't get stolen. ~sigh~