The End of Summer

Summer has never been my favorite season. I much prefer the milder temperatures and back-to-school bustle of autumn. But the thing I do love about summer is the long hours of sunlight, and sitting on the porch lazily watching the sun set and swinging my feet. Summer evenings are especially gorgeous here in Utah, when the sun sets in a blaze of red-orange-yellow-pink glory behind the mountains. I love the slight chill that creeps into the air as the sky gradually darkens, and the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch of the sprinklers as they spray arcs of water across the lawn.

My last year of undergrad starts Monday. The evenings are getting chillier, despite the 90+ degree weather we still have during the day. September is less than a week away. Autumn is right around the corner now.

The State of AnnMarie

Houses and businesses in the middle of Seoul

Still jobless. Still place-to-live-less. Still carless. BUT! Purposeless no longer.

A couple of days ago, Tuesday to be exact (that would be 9 August), I finally decided what I'm going to do after I graduate next year.

I'm going to Korea, people.

Crossing the Han River running through the middle of Seoul in the morning on the train

Ever since April, when the whole question of what I was going to do after I (finally!) graduate in May 2012 first presented itself to my mind, I've been worrying this like a dog with a bone. Should I go to graduate school in the fall? In America? In Korea? What about working for a year and paying off a good chunk of my student loans? In America? In Korea? What the heck would I go to graduate school for, anyway? Something to do with Korea, yes, but what? Literature? Language? International politics? Should I try to work for the government? Should I teach? What should I do? Underneath this whole debate was the fact that I very much want to start a family - preferably before I die of old age. Or, you know, I turn 30. And let's face it, the odds of finding someone to marry in Korea are much smaller than they are in Utah, or even in the DC area (which is where I was contemplating going to grad school).

Kimchi pots at the historical village Minseokcheon

I finally took the question to the temple when I went on Tuesday. As I sat in the celestial room after thinking about it from many different angles, I concluded that there were really two things I want in life: First, I want to have a family and live with them in such a way that we can be together forever. Second, I want to serve the people in Korea in some fashion. Right now, I don't have control over the first one. But I do have control over the second one. And honestly, I don't want to do the "responsible thing" and go to graduate school; I want to go to Korea. This whole debate was ultimately just that: a debate between what I wanted to do and what I thought I should do. When I finally decided to go with my heart over my head, I felt so much better. Of course, that doesn't mean that I'm not open to a change of plans. I still trust that God, possessing the Big Picture, knows what's best for me better than I can. And so I'm willing to make a course correction if I need to. But at the same time, who's to say that what's best for me isn't going to Korea? Just because the odds of finding someone to marry in Korea are small doesn't mean that I won't find someone; after all, if that person is in Korea, it doesn't matter how good my odds are here, because he's somewhere else.

So there you have it. That's my plan. I'm still not solid on any of the specifics, like when exactly I'll go, or if I'll teach English or go to grad school in Seoul, or even if I might end up doing something else entirely. But I'm going. And I feel good about that. ^_^

Looking down on Seoul from one of the surrounding mountains

Some Things I Am Passionate About

family

For someone who travels around as much as I do, the fact that I'm a huge homebody is a little surprising. But of all the things that matter to me, my family matters the most. Despite their flaws, they are good people who love and appreciate each other, and me.

 learning & knowledge

 From the time I was very little, my parents instilled in me a love for knowledge. To me, the world is an amazing place full of so many things to know and learn about.

solutions

I love working out problems, finding the answers to complicated questions. Logic puzzles, crosswords, and sudokus are only part of it; practical things like rock climbing also fascinate me. I love that feeling when things finally click into place and you experience a moment of pure understanding.

connections

The world is probably more interconnected than we can possibly imagine. I love exploring how things are connected, on the micro scale as well as the macro. I love the connections between people and discovering why things and people react the way they do.

Korea

This won't come as a surprise to anyone who knows me even a little bit. I love Korea. I love the people, I love the food, I love the culture, and I love the way I love Korea. I love my country, but I was born here without choosing it; to me Korea is the home I chose to love.

respect & understanding

I'm passionate about mutual understanding and respect. So many problems in this world are caused by making snap judgments about people and their actions based on how that person sees the world. The truth is that there's more than one "right" way to live, and most people do things for a reason - even if that reason or logic is not immediately apparent to you.

light

I love light. I love sunsets, the subtle glow of a sunlight-filled home, well-lit movie and drama sets, the way good lighting can make or break a picture. I love the warmth of the sun's rays, the twinkle of the stars in a pitch-black sky, the shy radiance of a quarter moon. I love how light can make my soul exult.

stories

Stories play an integral role in human existence. Stories can teach, can warn, can inspire and uplift, can be a way to express things too dangerous or too personal to express in any other way. The stories we tell ourselves tell us about ourselves; they can open a small glimpse into another world or another way of thinking. They offer us the opportunity to explore our lives and the possible consequences of our actions.

music

Of all the things humans do, I think music is the one that brings us closest to the divine. I love listening to music, and I love creating it; there is no other feeling quite like working together with others to bring to life something that makes you feel bigger than just the sum total of your disparate parts. The transcendence of Palestrina's gorgeous counterparts, the sheer triumph of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overature...with those as evidence, you could never convince me that there is no God.

Photo credits: books, solutions, understanding, stories

All That In Such A Small Space?

I've been thinking a lot recently about what I want. Lately my head has been such a mess that it's been driving me crazy, thinking about what people are thinking about me not having a job yet and not having found a place to live next semester yet, etc, etc, ad infinitum. Sometimes I wonder if they think I'm just being lazy for the heck of it, "freeloading" off my grandparents, like my grandpa sometimes accuses me of doing. It boggles my mind to think that some people really think I enjoy being like this, or that I don't know just how much of a loser I'm being, and so feel compelled to point it out to me. Trust me, I am infinitely more intimately acquainted with the situation than anyone else. Except maybe God. But anyway.

So, I've been thinking about what I want. The thing is...I'm not sure what that is. I have long term goals - I want to have a family, I want to live in Korea, I want to help the people of the world somehow - but the problem is, I don't have short-term goals to act as stepping stones to get to those long term goals. I don't know what to do. I don't know where I'm heading, exactly. Honestly, beyond the desire to have a family, I don't really have any other specific goals at all, really.

Thinking about all this has been making my head spin around and around until it literally gives me a headache. One morning I was in the shower, and I started thinking about all the things I've been pondering the last month or so: getting a job, paying for school, paying off my loans, finding a place to live, my relationship with my grandparents, my complete lack of any romantic relationships (ever in my life), domestic politics, international politics, feeling almost guilty about being full when millions of people are starving, using running water so casually when millions don't even have it, various and sundry character flaws, graduate school, taking the GRE, studying for the GRE, whether or not I should go to Korea and work a year before starting graduate school, contemplating what the heck I'm going to do with my life...etc. After a half-hour+ of this (I take long showers), I was ready to scream and desperate to find a way to just SHUT IT OFF already. I told a friend once that I felt like all my worries were roped together, and every time I started trying to think about one in an effort to find a solution, it gave the whole string a tug and everything came crashing into my brain all at once. It's enough to make one go insane.

I think I could handle all of this a little better if it wasn't for the fact that in the last year my entire life has totally changed. I moved all the way across the country into a very different cultural setting, left behind all my friends and my comfort zone, radically changed my educational environment and my expectations for my future, and live in an environment fraught with emotional pitfalls and guilt trips. My response to it all hasn't really done a lot to make me love and admire myself, which in turns feeds the cycle of think-get overwhelmed-avoid-reap the consequences-self loathe-repeat. And yet, I don't think much of all of that shows on the surface, except for maybe as it manifests as a bad attitude, increased touchiness and sensitivity, and an increased penchant for snapping at people and using hurtful sarcasm.

I need to find my iPod and start running again. Maybe that will help me sort out my head a bit and give me a little motivation to be up and doing. Only, I haven't seen my iPod in two weeks...I hope it didn't get stolen. ~sigh~

Gone

My family left this morning.



I miss them already. ~sigh~

Pink Martini - Aspettami